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What is Narcissism?

-With so much confusion around the meaning of the word narcissism, is there any wonder that Narcissistic Personality Disorder was nearly pulled from the last edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the DSM V)?

A Brief History of the Word Narcissism . . .

What is Narcissism?

Back in the days when the word ‘gay’ described happiness, narcissism meant ‘showman-like’ and a narcissistic individual was likely to be in big demand. Liberace and Marylin would each have fit this bill and (quite rightly) no one saw anything sinister in their twinkling eyes and smiles.

Psychiatrists always look deeper however (and like relating things to sex) and so they defined narcissism as the (very normal and healthy) human tendency to choose a sexual partner that looks similar to our self.

Later when Narcissistic Personality Disorder first appeared in the DSM, it was not a phrase people in decent society were likely to hear, instead it was a term you only learned when you set out seeking professional help for a lying and cheating spouse. Narcissism, describing the traits of this disorder, now gave psychologists a more professional term for the behavior 90% of country music songs had traditionally been written about.

Because if you are talking about narcissistic personality disorder, a charming, lying and cheating spouse is really what the word narcissism means.

Next stop on our time-line in the confused history of this word, we meet the psychopath (diagnosed on camera for a TV documentary), who, with too much time on his hands while in jail for securities fraud, decided that Narcissistic Personality Disorder was what he was suffering from. Self-diagnosed, he picked up a PHD as cheap and fast as he could to become the new ‘online expert’ on what he coined “malignant narcissism”. This self created position would not only produce an income for him but also an easy source of victims when vulnerable codependent women looking for help dealing with their narcissistic husbands eagerly sought his advice.

This man’s lengthy and seductive descriptions of his own twisted and psychopathic mind soon became popular reading and the term narcissism now began its use by journalists and psychologists alike (deceived by this man’s false credentials) describing the full gamut of psychopathic behavior from serial killers to kidnappers and rapists.

Already light years from Liberace and Marylin (the narcissistic showmen), the confusion had really set in . . .

People diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder and their kin were scared badly by this ‘doctor’s’ writing and came to believe narcissists were much more evil and their situation much more hopeless than was likely the case. Our psychopathic pseudo doc reveled in this fear while holding sway over an army of codependent spouses flocking to his website looking for help. Once there he convinced many that their lying, cheating partners were plotting and scheming psychopaths out hunting in the woods at night, rather than simply avoiding their responsibilities by blaming others for their problems and hanging out in bars. He ran online forums where he played with these women’s emotions and minds making them emotionally dependent on him while he emotionally and mentally abused them semi publicly.

Meanwhile back in the marriage counseling camps, therapists and clients alike – with little to go on about what a narcissistic person really looked like – were turning to the DSM looking to find out more about what this disorder was really all about. The description they found was useful, except that it mostly left out the fact that these people are ‘two faced’.

The cult classic ‘Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy’ could have helped with this. It’s narcissistic captain Zaphod Beeblebrox was clearly two faced and in the TV series version of this epic, this famous narcissist even had two heads!

Meanwhile, those looking to identify a narcissistic character from the DSM were ticking boxes when witnessing arrogant and grandiose behavior which lacked empathy, and it wasn’t long until some decided narcissism must be caused by a baby being fed too often with a silver spoon.

They did not understand that a true narcissist would only let their haughtiness and arrogance show with their intimates. Hence unpopular, insecure and pompous types, rather than charming, two-faced controlling manipulators, tended to get branded with the NPD label.

Then along came the TV psychologist, quite rightly warning that we might be breeding narcissism in our society from celebrity worship and a general lack of emotionally mature role models in the media and on TV.

Well meaning certainly – but soon every older person with the slightest fear of the younger generation began ranting about Facebook and social media causing narcissism and how irredeemably self interested all young people have become. As this is apparently a new trend caused by modern technology we can only assume that as teenagers they had never been the slightest bit self-centered or immature.

Meanwhile, many desperate individuals, when consulting better educated professionals, are still hearing the term narcissism used to describe the chaos of a home life with an egotistical, two faced partner who despite dishing out put downs and aggression also makes it nearly impossible to divorce.

Domestic abuse is usually considered something that occurs in poorer suburbs, perpetrated by poorly educated men, as an old fashioned and brutal means of getting their way. The real story of domestic abuse however lies hidden in the question, ‘what is narcissism?’ and knows no social or educational barriers.

Control may be the issue certainly, but insults and put downs will generally be the weapon of choice. A person with the characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, while certainly causing their family despair, will also cause so much chaos in their own and their family’s lives (while also hiding possible addictions and immoral behavior) that the abuse can be very hard to pick.

Pity the police called in to investigate domestic disputes, because the narcissistic personality will be a professional at playing the victim, and often an expert at provoking anger and violence in others to better hide their own crimes.

In fact a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder will have a greater than average risk of being injured or killed by a partner who finally decides they have had enough of being lied to, scapegoated, cheated and conned.

The Future

Whether the confusion causes NPD to eventually be pulled from the DSM or not, the two faced, skirt chasing, back stabbing, manipulative charmers this disorder describes will hardly be going away.

Words grow and change over time and naturally take on a life of their own. For the sake of members of dysfunctional families however, already torn by confusion at the hands of their partners two faced charming/aggressive behavior, maybe narcissism has become too confusing a word.

Victims of domestic abuse have enough on their plate already, living with a manipulative partner (and the public perception that what they are experiencing must be because of their own stupidity that they don’t, “just leave”) that really the least we can do is clear up the confusion or find a new and better term.

This Post Has 3 Comments

  1. Thanks, Kim. I’ve been reading your posts for quite some time, reluctant to invest as I was never sure what label to put on my partner. Now I think it’s Borderline Personality Disorder, rather than Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but there are so many overlapping issues it’s hard to be sure. Incidentally, he’s been diagnosed by two psychiatrists as Bi-polar cyclothymic, but I live with him and he doesn’t quite fit that either…
    So. What I’m really writing to say is how much I totally appreciate your work and new website – you have really grown over the years, both in knowledge and in skills of setting down that knowledge, all with a splash of modesty, humility and plain simple kindness! What a woman!

    1. Thank you so much Jill, I really appreciate your kind words.

      This website rebuild has been a very steep learning curve and more work than I ever anticipated. I have been getting up before 6am and working until 10pm fairly consistently for nearly 2 months. It was a shock at first to see how much I have written over the years and then it became an obligation to myself that I give my work credit by organising and presenting it in a format that will hopefully be indexed by Google and also hopefully endure.

      Our family needs to move above and beyond system dysfunction and branch out into new areas in the coming year but I hope that people will keep adding their stories here so what we have started can continue to grow.

    2. I believe the borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder in part can be classed or seen as being in the same continuum (possible the same cause) where one is expressed more inward (BPD) and the other outward (NPD) I know of few with any of these diagnosis that do not have some elements of all the Cluster B personality traits (my opinion)

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