Or maybe someone has suggested that you are a narcissist?
Kim: When you first learned about narcissism, I wonder if you felt a sense of relief, like at last you had found a diagnosis to explain all of the heartache and chaos in your life?
Steve: And if, once you began reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you became incredibly anxious to find a cure for narcissism?
Kim: And if instead of finding a cure for narcissism, angry people began telling you there was no cure for narcissism and your situation was hopeless?
Steve: If so, we feel for you and can imagine how desperate this may have made you feel.
We know because we have helped thousands of people feeling similar to how you may be feeling right now. People are all searching for a cure for narcissism because they need better answers for their marriage.
Kim: I also know because I was in the same situation once.
Sadly, all the professional advice I received then only encouraged me to feel sorry for myself, blame Steve, and cut off all communication with him.
As parents of three beautiful children, I was shocked anyone could pretend this advice was even possible—without forcing our children to become go-betweens, which would have made their lives, and ours, even more miserable.
What the Narcissism Cured Story is About
Steve: Our story is how Kim was once told that I was a narcissist and that she had no choice but to leave me; it is the story of how this beautiful woman, who remains my wife and equal partner in life, resisted the temptation to call herself a victim and instead searched for a cure for narcissism, and when she didn’t find it began working on the problem herself.
While facing incredible criticism for questioning the “No Contact” approach to dealing with my selfish and heartless behaviour, Kim followed her gut instincts that the problem was not as simple as most people were pretending.
And by refusing to put all of the blame for our marriage conflict on me, she came to see the problem from a new perspective.
Kim: Our story is certainly not an easy cure for narcissism, but it will offer you a new way of understanding love, with simple, practical steps (that are simple but not easy) that may or may not save your marriage–but will improve your life in ways you may not imagine possible right now.
Steve: My constant criticisms and judgments once filled Kim’s life with fear and insecurity, but despite how hard it became for her to know how to deal with me and hold her confidence together, Kim somehow found the courage to face her own part in our problems. Changing her responses opened a dialogue between us that cutting me off or blaming me never could have.
Kim: Do you worry sometimes that the fighting might partially be your fault?
Many women in abusive relationships are told they have a psychological problem if they don’t just leave their husbands. This psychological problem—no longer classified as a mental disorder—is called codependency.
Narcissists are relentlessly demonized in our society, but the truth is that codependents are also guilty of most forms of abuse.
Steve: No matter how angry Kim’s statement makes some people, there is real power in accepting your role in the problems you now face.
The psychology that puts all the blame for your relationship problems on another person, labelling that person as a toxic narcissist, etc., is bad advice.
Kim facing her role in our marriage conflict allowed her to claim her power back, with actions that forced me to start meeting my responsibilities. The steps she took also made me love and respect her better.
Protect Your Treasure!
Kim and I offer ourselves as guides in protecting the greatest treasure in your life. A treasure that money can’t buy. That treasure is a loving and peaceful home.
Kim: Steve and I are not psychologists, and we do not want to claim our life is any better than anyone else’s, but with no hope to guide us, we found a way. We had to learn these lessons the hard way and have also experienced many pitfalls and mistakes, some of which have brought us criticism and cost us our reputation. There were even times when the people who had told us our situation was hopeless appeared to have been correct. Yet here we are, still together today, with our love for each other stronger than ever.
And despite our struggles, I have no regrets because leaving is not the easy answer that people pretend it to be.
All those years ago, I was asking myself these questions about leaving;
- How could I safely manage shared custody of our children when the conflict had not been resolved?
- Or afford the expense of running two households while also providing for our children’s care?
- Or manage the mess if our next relationships turned out the same?
Steve and I both came from broken homes and had first-hand experience of the hurtful mess our separation might cause our children. A situation that neither of us wanted for them.
But Steve had given up on our family, so I was desperate for answers and began devoting all my spare time to research.
Emotional intelligence first caught my attention. It promised something I knew I lacked. Back then, no one on the internet was talking about emotional dysregulation, which, in layperson’s terms, means not being able to manage your emotions.
I saw in myself that emotional dysregulation was a significant symptom of codependency.
Steve: Most valuable is that Kim tracked our journey through the many books and articles she has written over the years, keeping an honest account of our successes and failures, as together we rewrote the rules that said our situation was hopeless. This journey, combined with the stories of many other people we have helped over the years, has made us confident we might help bring peace to your life, your marriage, and your home.
Men Must Face These Conflicts
It is not only women who are romantic about love. Most men get married expecting a fairy tale happily ever after. We think we will be perfect husbands, other people will be friendly, and life will play fair. Sadly, the story usually doesn’t work out that way. Instead, many of us men discover that we are not perfect but proud, lazy, and selfish and that the people around us are hostile, competitive, and unkind, and life can be cruel, random, and heartless.
Are people in this world abusive and unkind? Yes, they are, but how do you deal with that sad fact, and what expectations do you have? How might you play into the game of bully and victim?
Is turning yourself into a bully by pointing your finger, judging, gaslighting, ghosting, and stonewalling people close to you going to make your life any easier?
We may even discover that we are usually our worst enemy.
Love’s Battle Field
Seeing our own role in our suffering comes from halting our judgment and looking in the mirror; this is important for sure. But Kim and I have also come to understand love’s battlefield together. Assessing this has shown us that something is not right in the world and that many of the problems families face today have external and not internal causes. Something that we will never see if we continue pointing the finger of blame at each other and ourselves.
Kim: The safe haven that we call family life in our world today is being attacked by the equivalent of a fierce and terrible dragon that we must urgently learn to protect ourselves from.
All over the world, family members are tragically cutting each other off.
Sadly, popular psychology aimed at helping people deal with their relationship problems has turned mainly to pathologizing other people (medical name-calling) and blame.
‘Narcissist’, sadly, has become the latest nasty and hurtful name you can call someone. This is not a mature or scientific approach.
I was led to believe that Steve was suffering from an illness, but also that my trying to find a cure for that illness was futile and even made me crazy. Coming from a medical family, I could not see how this advice could be correct. It seemed like a good recipe for driving good people–who were already confused and suffering–completely crazy.
I was also told that I should not try to change Steve’s unhealthy behaviour.
In this regard, the pop psychology writers were right. Trying to change Steve was indeed difficult and unhealthy. All I had done was complain and become emotionally distraught, asking Steve to change. A habit I am embarrassed to say took me a long time to break.
The First Sign of Promise
The idea that I might be part of the problem felt like an opportunity. With little pride left, this was a huge relief. I was ready to work on changing myself; blaming Steve hadn’t changed anything and only gave my power away to him.
But I knew leaving Steve wouldn’t fix my codependency. He was seriously pushing my buttons, but I knew I had serious problems asserting my needs effectively and poor emotional control. I didn’t want these negative aspects of myself to continue embarrassing me and hurting our family. I had been running away from selfish and judgemental people all my life.
So, instead of taking the advice to label Steve a narcissist and leave, I dug deep into the scientific research to finally get past the name-calling and blame.
Becoming more emotionally intelligent took longer than I could have ever imagined.
Still, I made progress, and my dramatic emotional outbursts and fits of despair, over time, became less frequent.
At the same time, I was also learning how to stand up for myself more effectively.
Emotional intelligence is our best armour in this battle, with equality and teamwork the only prizes worth fighting for.
You Must Become Your Own Hero!
Steve: We are not psychologists or doctors and don’t want to suggest that we have a universal cure for narcissism or that you should try and diagnose yourself or anyone else from the information we provide here.
Quite the opposite, after years of helping couples with our books—written from our own experience—we have come to understand that narcissism and codependency are opposing mindsets that society has programmed into most of us from birth.
Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. Hopefully, you will find our latest book, which will be released soon, extraordinary in the evidence that it lays out for this claim.
I say our books, but Kim is the primary author, and instead of judging her and putting her down, I have become her number one fan and support person.
Happily-ever-after is a myth, but the journey Kim has led us on has undoubtedly improved my state of mind and enjoyment of life.
Kim: And I have learned just as much from Steve.
Together, we offer ourselves as humble guides and mentors in our books and audio products, leading the way as regular people who have personally traversed love’s dangerous terrain. Taking you to that place in yourself that you can’t go alone. Helping you get back in touch with the true power of love within you. Helping you discover the programs you need to avoid chaos and cynicism. Programs that will help protect you from all the bad suggestions and misleading signposts that our world deliberately tempts you with every day.