The Science of Love

Do you believe that a happy and prosperous relationship is based on luck (or providence) in finding the ‘right’ partner? And is it the degree of compatibility between two people that determines whether or not their life together will be happy ?

To save you ending up disappointed, I will share with you the science of love . Because love is not a roll of the dice. If you have learned dysfunctional emotional behavior it is unlikely you will find love, peace and intimacy with anyone.

Love will always hold power, magic and mystery, but psychology has advanced to a stage where we should no longer see relationships through the eyes of luck, but instead as dependent on skills which can be learned by anyone.

The human emotional system works something like this . . .

When we experience any threat to our happiness, well being or security it is normal that we first go through an orienting period where we attempt to appraise the extent of the threat. After giving the threat some very focused attention we then choose a course of action that we have decided will be appropriate. If we can find no appropriate action we become anxious and this anxiety causes intrusions into our life and our ability to attend to our daily tasks. We fret, we have unwelcome and unpleasant thoughts, and we worry or have bad dreams.

To deal with these disruptive and unpleasant intrusions, we may then go into denial. We blame something or someone else for the un-resolvable threat coming into our life (to relieve intrusions of guilt) or we reach for a drink, drugs, zone out, put unrealistic demands on our partner to help us feel secure, avoid any reference to the cause of anxiety or escape into a fantasy world of our own or another’s creation. These are all forms of denial.

All of these palliatives, and the intrusions themselves, diminish the potential for us to be effective and successful in our life and they also make us less available to love and be loved.

The ONLY way to combat this in a healthy and beneficial manner is to come out of denial and reappraise the situation in a new and more positive light, perhaps seeking assistance and practical steps in dealing with the problem that first threatened us.

Take for instance the example of someone who is drinking too much because of the threat of an impending bankruptcy. They will only regain emotional balance if they come out of denial, face the financial problems their business is facing with new information and assistance and plan steps to either avoid the bankruptcy, minimize the impact on their life or even see it as a positive opportunity for a new beginning.

Most of us face numerous threats in our life and are under equipped to deal with them. This negatively impacts our intimate and love relationships as do the palliatives (forms of denial) that we habitually reach for.

The information products on this site are all based on this understanding. They aim at getting to the cause of you or your partners closing off to love and reappraising the situation in a more positive light with positive steps that can be taken to minimize anxiety and the resulting forms of denial.