In town and on the sports field, and oh the trouble they cause at home!. Meet the narcissists: those sneaky, selfish (adult) brats!
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Cure or No Cure?
Has reading that there is no cure for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) made you feel depressed, anxious, frightened, desperate or even reckless? If it has, you are not alone.
Considering that the professionals are so divided on diagnosis, prognosis and treatment options, I don’t understand how it can be stated so flatly, and by so many people, that NPD is incurable and that to save yourself you must cut all contact with anyone who suffers from this disorder.
Cause or Symptom?
Another reason I believe this is wrong is that the symptoms of narcissism and codependence are so common in people having relationship problems, that they could even be described as the symptoms of relationship breakdown, rather than the cause of it.
Back when I was first informed about Steve having a disorder, I felt like I was going out of my mind (and have spoken with many others who have felt the same way) by the lack of compassion, insight, hope, courtesy or any sensible advice given to me. The same people who led me to understand that Steve was suffering from narcissistic personality disorder, were the ones who advocated most strongly that I must leave him and not ever speak to him again. Later, when Steve got better, these same people said he must not have been NPD after all and that he probably only had tendencies and that I was just lucky(?)
This concerns me in a number of ways:
- When our family needed help, not one person on or offline, said there was a chance Steve only had tendencies (or that he might improve). Quite the opposite, it was suggested that I was delusional and lacking in self-esteem if I didn’t leave him. If I had gone ahead and followed this advice (leaving with no contact), it would have been a devastating psychological, emotional and financial blow for us. One that would have shattered our family. It would have been a decision that the individual members of our family may NEVER have recovered from.
- I have sometimes been accused of spreading false hope, and these same critics claim that my message is dangerous. But when I see stories in the paper every day about domestic murders and crimes, always committed after one partner has left, I believe our message is much more responsible on every level. We don’t pretend that the steps we offer are easy, but whether the narcissistic partner’s behaviour improves or not, our advice will leave their family in a much stronger and safer position than they were previously.
- To those who say that I was lucky! I talked to Steve about this earlier today. I asked: “Do you think it was luck that changed things or that I was lucky in any way with what I went through with you?” He just laughed and said, “Kim, it was not luck, it was you; I was the lucky one!”
Narcissism & Codependency = Patterns of behaviour that hurt families . . .
If you are in an emotionally abusive or violent relationship it doesn’t matter if your partner has been diagnosed with NPD or just has tendencies (and most sensible experts admit that they cannot tell the difference between the two anyway). What matters is that the steps we offer will help you improve your safety, whether your partner’s behaviour changes or not. I cannot promise their behaviour will change. I can tell you however that Steve has changed and over the past 10 years we have helped tens of thousands of people to protect themselves and many to keep their families intact when previously they were told there was no hope.
Our ebooks will give you clear steps of what actions you will need
to take to get out of the corner you may now find yourself in.
For there to be any hope of change, you will need to protect yourself; become a very strong parental figure; fill in some developmental gaps and heal some distortions in your ability to regulate your emotions. Just like parenting, if you want to improve a child’s behaviour and character you will need to change your own behaviour first.
The Cause of Family Dysfunction
If your partner is violent or committing crimes, you may need to get help from the police, apply for an Apprehended Violence Order (AVO) and/or have your partner arrested and put in jail. We don’t pretend you can avoid this. It is important that partners of people who are emotionally reactive and violent stop protecting them from the consequences of their aggression. However, this is very different from saying this person cannot be cured and that you should just run away! Divorce will not stop someone’s criminal behaviour, but jail (or the very real threat of jail) certainly may!
Beware of Phoney Experts!
In my journey, I discovered that the online self-professed ‘expert’ on narcissistic personality disorder, who has been influencing the medical profession for years claiming there is no cure, is no expert at all. Rather, he is a man with a mental illness who may know about symptoms but is dangerously wrong about what the family of someone with NPD should do to protect themselves and get help. (It was a police officer who initially informed me that this online self-professed ‘expert’ was wrong).
An international documentary has been made about this man and all the people and families he has hurt. In this program, he admits on camera that his PhD is from a ‘grist mill’ (not an accredited Medical Doctorate). So please be warned. This supposed expert has many online sites and has influenced many people with his delusional notions about NPD. Be discerning when researching information about this disorder. Your family is too precious to risk!
Are You Part of a Narcissistic / Codependent Marriage? Please sign up for our free tutorial at: https://thencmarriage.com/
This Post Has 10 Comments
So according to your conclusions, people die when the narcissist is abandoned and your advice is to stay in the situation and be safe….????? Narcissism is a spectrum and as such maybe steve was on the very low end of it with mild case. On the higher end of the spectrum these people are TOXIC and will ruin your life and seriously affect the childrens mental health. I do not believe you are a therapist. you are selling misinformation in e-books.
No, our conclusion is that people should not be advised that leaving their partner is an easy solution to end the conflict. Statistics clearly show this is not the case. I am not a therapist no, I lived through this myself. Our books however have been reviewed by police, social services and are recommended by many therapists, hospitals and community service organisations. We give advice on how to set real boundaries and de escalate the conflict. As for me being just being ‘lucky’ because Steve was ‘really not so bad’ as you seem to conclude I hope you will take the time to read the post I have made on that here https://narcissimcured.com/narcissistic-personality/the-disorder/
I wish I had found you before I divorced my husband I lived in this nightmare for 17years it destroyed my family of three children after 8years he still trying to contact me but knowing now that he could change, is hopeful but he has to recognise that he has a promble unfortunately his mothers has npd and they are very close he chose his mother over me saying he could always get another wife and he could not replays a mother . Thank you for your channel will keep watching
Thanks Edna, as long as you and your children are safe now is what counts!
It can be cured
Just use all that amazing insight to help your friends.. turn it around
Just wanted to share my situation.
I have been in a relationship with my wife for 30 years and finally stumbled on a clear understanding of what is NPD.
Things came to a head one day when in frustration and somewhat shock, I told her that she was not a real person but rather a Fake, a Liar and a Cheat (absolutely in every sense) Through choice I built my life around her, protecting her in all ways and I’ve always felt strong enough to allow this ‘out of balance’ relationship to continue. However, it seems a dead end street where I’m now doomed if I do and doomed if I don’t. I still feel sorry for her and I still feel an under-lying love for her. I’ve read every possible material on NPD and all say run and fast!
We would care and be concerned for other mentally disabled people but why are NPDs shut out so quickly.
I’m not one for giving up easy but the bulk of internet material will say that I am a fool to stay.
Not sure anymore.
Hi Kim. I study Graphotherapy and Eneeagram science. I believe there is certainly a cure and it involves CBT closely coupled with Graphotherical exercises. These exercises are a part of Neuroplasticity and Cortical re-mapping. The change of negative behavior / traits through re-mapping( grey matter form in the brain) , teaching what was not taught or learned as a child. It is absolutely fascinating. I am working on getting courses into the prison systems for people deemed ready to enter back into society. Recitivism is far too high because the bad behaviors that locked people up were not the focus of change. Amazing stuff. It will work with NPD.
Marlene G. 26 year survivor of (ex) husband with NPD.
Sorry it took me so long to respond Marlene, we were in the middle of moving and setting up a new residence when you first left this message. I would love to know more.
It looks like this blog is a year old but am very interested in hearing more. I was married to a very abusive husband – the father of my children – for 11 years before being helped to run to a shelter and finally divorce. I went thru 2 years counseling as I was told I would have the tendency to pick the same type of man in any future relationships. I dated my current husband for 2 years before marrying and seriously thought I had found my soul mate, although if I was honest there were a couple incidents that if I had been able to be responsible to view in truth, I should have seen as flags to run, but instead I rationalized the events in his favor and went on. We have been married 28 years, our 7 children are grown and 20 grandchildren growing way too fast. The marriage has been rattled with physical and emotional abuse – nothing as severe as my previous marriage and so I continued making the same excuses for him or as I now examine – sweeping them under the rug as not to have to deal with them. After being diagnosed diabetic and changing his lifestyle of diet and exercise and getting on both high blood pressure and diabetic meds, I noticed that the extreme abusive responses slowed immensely but if poked a little would still respond in anger and as always, it was always my fault. I proceeded to stuff but found myself more and more angry and bitter and decidedly not wanting to live out the rest of my life this way, but every time I thought it was the last straw and I would leave, I would think about breaking up our family and it would sadden me so much that I would just basically hang my head and go on with a tiny hope that God would intervene. I tried to walk thru forgiveness towards both him and myself and as felt so guilty for bringing my 3 children out of one abusive family home and into another. Last week when we were on vacation together we had a moment when I said I just couldn’t do this any longer and felt like divorce was the answer and broke down crying. (In the past number of years I had quit crying and my response was just silence or verbal anger telling him how badly I hated him.) I brought up one of the worst examples of his violence that actually ended with my youngest child getting so frightened that he called the police and my husband was arrested. But during this conversation last week when I started crying he hung his head and said he was so sorry and to please forgive me which caused me to break down and cry further. He had only apologized perhaps 1 or 2 other times in all these years and that was probably 20 plus years ago. It was an amazing moment and I could feel the burden of so much lift from me and replaced with probably the first bit of hope for our future I had had in many many years. This last week has seen me opening back up to him and although I knew there had to be more healing in the future, like I said it was a moment I did not want to forget – a spiritual moment that gave me such hope. And then today I brought up that moment and told him what it had done for me and he basically said he didn’t know what he had done to be sorry for although he said he was still sorry but proceeded to turn everything back around on me again – and my 3 children – especially my son and said things that sounded no different than when he was in full blown NPD. My heart sunk – my thoughts ran wondering if I had been fooled once more. I sat there and listened longer until I couldn’t any longer and turned and left with him saying to me ” yea just like always – can’t handle when the finger gets pointed on you.” I told him we were done that I couldn’t take any more and how badly I hated him – came into my office and slammed the door. That’s when I started looking up NPD and found your website but when I tried to link into other info it seems the website is no longer there. Part of me wants be rid of him once and for all and to go on, but then I think of the loss with the grandchildren. Although we have little to do with his 4 children – partly due to their own hurt from growing up within this dysfunction. He was married 5 times before I met him with the 2 youngest being 8 and 11. My 3 children and grandchildren are still close to us although the pain they endured is obvious. So, that was our conversation this morning – I had told him we needed to continue the healing of our own hearts so that we could help those that God gave us – namely our children and grandchildren. I’m so very tired and weary and because my husband has never wanted us to have friends, I have no one to talk to and don’t want to talk about this to my children – certainly not until I have my own answers. They have suffered enough – they deserve healing from us at this point. But, I need someone to talk to. Thank you for sharing your journey and any help you can point me in. Note: I just clicked on the link below “Help for our marriage” and read the description of co dependent. I want to cry it is so me. Part of me is scared to post this and then the other part says do it as maybe it is in part going to lead to my healing. so here goes – again thank you to both you and your husband for working hard on yourselves and your marriage and for being transparent and helping those of us who are not there yet.
Hi Jean, Thanks for the heads up about the links that are not working. Please visit our website at http://www.TheNCmarriage.com We are busy getting a new book ready for publication but if you sign up for the free tutorial you will learn more and get a discount on our ebooks. After you make a purchase you will receive an invitation to join our member’s area. This is not an easy problem to deal with but learning to end your role in the conflict will help your whole family. Hang in there – there is a path forward!