Continued from: What You Want
I will add a few more questions below each point before I open this up for your comments and questions . . .
1. Are you clear about what you want in life?
– Are you looking for a hero to save you? I wonder what that hero might offer? Can you think about it in detail and work out how you might give yourself those things instead?
– Can you be honest about what it is you are really trying to create in your life right now? Say for instance you are wanting your partner to feel guilty about how badly they have treated you? I wonder if you can be honest about that and then set your sights higher and want something bigger and better?
– Do you really know what you want or are you just focusing on what you don’t want instead?
2. Is what you want good for you and are you able to use hindsight to consider how what you are after right now is really likely to make you feel?
For example: Maybe you are planning a big meal in the hope it will bring your family closer? Or perhaps a camping trip or holiday?
Think back about how what you are planning right now worked out last time and really be honest about how it made you feel.
3. How do you go about getting what you want?
Do you make hints or manipulate?
Are you demanding?
Do you ask directly?
And if so what do you do if the person you are asking says no?
After you have thought about these questions lets talk about what you want!
Hi Kim,
I tend to ask for what I need directly now. BUT, I still don’t like having to ask for a hug from my spouse. We used to greet each other with a kiss and hug, but he withholds affection if he is dissatisfied with how “things look”. For example, on Friday I was sorting mail on the table when he got home. I still stopped to look up at him and said Hi, (let’s say, Floyd, )how are you? He replied ok, how are YOU? I said that I was very tired and felt as if I might be catching a cold. At that he turned and left the room. No comment. No gesture of affection. Nothing. He took his laptop out on the patio with a glass of wine.
Then I thought, typical Floyd response. Not able to connect with me or anyone when it comes to feelings. But at least he asked, how are you? Right? Big improvement. I have the opposite problem. I have to learn how to leave out the ‘how are you?’
Anyway, I finished tidying up and then went into the kitchen to light the oven for dinner – vegetable lasagne ( big hit w/ all & easy for me after a long day).Then, Floyd came inside and asked,” Are you ready to go?” I looked at the clock and it was 6:30. I said, ” Do you mean go to the concert in the park?” He said, yes, it starts at 7, right? I could feel the frustration beginning to rise inside me but I thought I can handle this… I said Floyd, I’ve already told you we have to leave by 6 p.m. latest on Fridays if we want to get seats, because it’s free and it fills up with lawn chairs – remember what I said to you last night? He said, we can still go – no? I said, no, we can’t plus I’m tired and I have dinner baking in the oven. He made a face and then went and sat down on the sofa and turned on the t.v. I said, hey, go yourself if you want! Instead he sulked and refused to have dinner with his son and me.
I’m married to a child, a very bratty child.
I want to be married to a man who doesn’t ignore his family on an emotional level. Wishful thinking, perhaps, but that is what I want.
Well, I am in the process of getting some back up from my church. My husband has threatened me by using the internet to look at things he shouldn’t. We are coming up with a plan on what to do about this. I had a meeting and told them what I needed from them. It was a 4point plan. I printed it out and gave it to them after the meeting. They received it very well and we’re amazed at the clarity of it and that I was able to still have empathy for my husband but want accountability and truth as well. We will see what happens. Thanks Kim for your coaching. It has helped me stay sane!
Please retract the previous post. It was not sent properly with the right username.
Hi Izhh – I changed the username for you. Please let me know if you still want the comment retracted 🙂
Mari, okay great so you want a man who doesn’t ignore his family on an emotional level. Has that ever happened with your husband? And I wonder how you have asked for that in the past and what the result has been?
Well done Izhh – I have removed your post but I hope you will comment here again! It is great you have been so clear in asking for support!
Let’s see…very insightful questions. Thank you! Although I know what I want in many areas of my life, in my marriage I struggle with this greatly. I continually come up against the idea that perhaps I am simply not loveable and that based on my inadequacies and my husband’s, it is a near impossibility to have a healthy marriage. So, instead of asking for what I really want which is connection and intimacy with a partner who contributes to our lifestyle equitably, I hint and manipulate, speak with hostility and anger, and reject my husband. When we fall into our old patterns of ineffective and immature behaviors, I become very despondent and I want to give up. And yes, I see how I can utilize my energy in a more productive way nowadays.
It is great that you can see that Estela 🙂 Getting clear about what we want and really coming up with a plan of how to ask for that effectively is the challenge I am setting here.
However this does NOT mean having a serious sit down discussion that our partner may find confrontational.
Instead it will undoubtably work better if we can first work on building trust and rapport as outlined in chapter 1 of the Love Safety Net Workbook.
Next we might apologize for our own manipulative behavior in the past and promise we are not going to do that anymore, especially if we have threatened to leave when we didn’t really want to.
When you do this it is important to just apologize but not be expecting anything in return. As always staying focused on our own life and goals and our own agenda for the day helps not to fall into a state of feeling needy when we offer something or make an apology like this.
If our offers in the past have really been requests for more attention from a needy place inside ourselves, at first our partner probably won’t trust our bids for affection or this kind of apology and so it is best if we can show some patience and understanding and give trust a chance to build.
Being self reliant and able to handle rejection in an adult way – without becoming needy or vindictive – is a great way to build trust and prove you are committed to real growth.
So when we face these situations of offering something and getting nothing in return, instead of feeling devastated instead we can perhaps start seeing them as some of the best opportunities we will get to demonstrate our own growth and build trust.
Once we see these actions start to have a positive impact, only then should we start to be more direct about what we want. It might be as simple as “I hoped we might talk a little before you have to go.” With a smile and a little affection.
The danger of being open and direct is that we may not get what we are asking for and feel hurt and rejected – but again we should remember that times of rejection are the best time to work on our own maturity. If we are ready for that rejection it is easier to have a back up plan ready and not fall into negative behaviors from the past.
So your husband still doesn’t have time for you? Be ready with an honest answer such as “Okay, that’s too bad but it’s okay I will go and read/catch up with friends or spend some time with the kids etc. for awhile.
Being able to do this raises our status and will make us more attractive.
Once our partner is smiling and laughing and having fun is the best time of all to ask for the thing that we want.
You might then touch his arm and say “I really like us spending time like this – how about you?” when he agrees and says yes, this is the best time to ask for what you want. It might be as simple as, “Maybe every Thursday night we can take some time out to spend together?”
Lastly I wonder if your your sex life could be better? If you are not satisfied in bed perhaps you can smile and use a bit of charm in directing your man here . . .
https://narcissismcured.com/thelovesafetynet/blog/?page_id=120
Thanks Kim for your wise advice. The hardest part for me in standing against hurtful behavior in a gracious way. I find I am much better at being a vindictive angry person than I am at respecting my husband even in his flaws and respecting myself seeing to my own need. Your wisdom has been so helpful to me! My husband and I own a business together and I really don’t like working with him. I find that to be our greatest stumbling block. It is only recently that I am able to listen to his hurt without defensiveness. I am supporting our family running our business and he is angry about not being involved, but he was like a critical negative ego driven employee that would have been let. Almost as if he thought being a business owner meant he didn’t have to work as hard. On Thursday we are going to a seminar with a Dale Carnegie office on the pitfalls of the family business. It is unfortunate but my marriage and life with him has been so full of hurt, isolation, picking up after him, taking care of him (two time heart patient for a serious congenital defect). It seems we have to recreate our marriage if it is going to be anything joyous. Trying to wait, be committed to the truth internally and externally with the wisest things to do for the business and be responsible for my respectful responses.
Hey Estela, I wonder if you can remember what you like about him? The last chapter of The Love Safety Net Workbook on how to choose challenges and set them effectively might help you. I hope to be working on a new DVD on that soon as well.
My family never ask how I am, what I have been working at, that is interesting or where I have been.
I always ask how are you (the sibling I have phoned) – and engage in a hopefully interesting conversation – i try to introduce items of leads on – so when next I phone I have an item of interest with them. When I end the phone call I always say – “thanks for the nice talk”. But it is never re-sipricated – I always feel as if none of them really care about me. I feel very hurt from this type of treatment. I feel abandoned and Isolated.
Do I give up and find others who do appreciate and ‘like’ me? after I ‘get’ over this feeling of abandonment and isolated. I use my sense of humour and say something to myself like “I shook my Family tree and a bunch of nuts fell out”
Hi Jan, I wonder what happens if you stop waiting to be asked and just tell them what you are excited about sharing? I also wonder if you can work on figuring out just what it is that you want? I mean do you want to work on it and have a better relationship with your family or do you want to give up? Do you have any recollections of times you tried either of these tactics? I wonder how each turned out for you?
My husband died last year after almost 40 years of marriage. Did not know until 6 months after his death that he had NPD , almost all the traits, plus passive agressive and alcoholic. Feeling guilty at times now that I found your site. Just wondering if because he was a very successful surgeon if he would have even tried. Very controlling, dependent on me but drank from the time he came home till done. Kept busy, distant and avoidant. I think he stayed because I was not needy and very strong in every area of my life, just wanted to love him and he just wanted a mother. Avoided sex for 40 years except for 2 daughters–& my hurt and rejection from this was met with cold disdain. I am not a manipulative person maybe too direct and threatening for him. I see where I have made mistakes and learning for my growth now. I always thought it was his drinking that created all the chaos and he let it take the fall. I think he had severe attachment issues and being a brilliant Dr. was enough for him and having a family just made him look normal. Any thoughts. As you can see I am just trying to deal with me—all his counseling in the past whether for drinking or the marriage was short lived did not want to change. Refused to ever have me there also because he was afraid of what I would say.
Thanks, wish I would have found you sooner.
I may be wrong but I think he married me for all my strengths and looks but then proceeded to try and destroy me because of them.
Hi Denise, Alcoholism can certainly cause a person to be narcissistic.
You should remember that while perhaps you could have handled your husband differently, you did not have any responsibility to help him. The person you are responsible for is yourself and your daughters depending on how old they are.
Being strong and independent is great and I am sure you are right that he probably loved that and also wanted to destroy it in you.
Now that he is gone the challenge you face is in building new relationships that offer you more warmth and companionship. Working on your own emotional intelligence skills (to guide you choices) and also your attachment skills (to build warm loving relationships) may help you create a life for yourself after the many lonely years you spent needing to be so independent, that now allows you to relax and enjoy others company.
It is harder sometimes to grieve a person who we loved but who wasn’t kind to us. Once you face the terrible sadness you must still sometimes feel that your husband is gone – the silver lining will come.
The Love Safety Net Workbook has chapters on Attachment and emotional intelligence skills that may help you through this transition as does The Little book of Empathy Love and Friendship 🙂