The New Black is Stability

Continued from Too Many Cooks

Casting my eye around my study/bedroom this morning I noticed that ignoring the computers, a stranger might think they were in the study of some creative mind from the 1800’s.

Steve and the kids love our home now but once upon a time, the fact I didn’t like the noise the TV made and how it dominated the house, or that I was not interested in a microwave and didn’t want a modern kitchen, all apparently made me strange. Worse, along with my own parents, they all used this ‘strangeness’ as an excuse to put me down and ignore my opinions.

I must have come a long way since then because speaking with my mother on the phone yesterday, she said “I had this crazy idea last night, I know you are usually the one with crazy ideas in the family . . .”

Without even thinking I stopped her and said, “My ideas are not crazy. I am just well read and better informed than people who only watch TV.”

When she laughed and agreed, still eager to explain her crazy (creative) idea that made her similar to me, mentally I noted just how far I have come.

The truth is that no one judges me anymore for my old fashioned style of living. What was really earning me disrespect back then was that I was financially and emotionally unstable.

Because until you are emotionally and financially stable* other stable people in your community will avoid including you amongst their friends.

Following the pack and trying to live your life as TV or your neighbors dictate is NOT normal. Instead, expressing your own personal tastes and beliefs through how you live is what life should be all about.

Instead Narcissistic people are often intent on judging what is normal (and hence acceptable) while generally lacking any real vision or inspiration of how to live themselves.

Let’s take a step back and see what this looks like . . .

“A typical narcissistic child grew up with expectations on them which had nothing to do with their real talents.  Instead they were expected to live their life in a way that would make their parents proud in the eyes of society.”

This child lost their inner compass in life for figuring out what direction they should take to experience meaning and realize their true potential in life.

If you have read much of my work you might remember me sharing that retraining the faulty simulator in out brain and finding that inner compass is hard enough without early childhood influences of this type making finding our way even harder.

For most our relationship instincts already need to be retrained.

Simply put,  what I am saying is to choose a future for yourself that is stable and positive and not let yourself be intimidated by people who might scold you about what is normal.

What is normal anyway?

Getting in debt before you even leave school . . .  getting married . . .  having kids . . .  sticking with a job you hate just to keep up appearances and pay the bills . . .  having affairs . . .  getting divorced . . .  sharing kids between homes  . . .  getting married and divorced again . . . getting sick and ending up bitter about what your life could have been?

Is this the kind of ‘normal’ you want for yourself? A partner with narcissistic tendencies probably won’t help you create anything far off this track.

Instead I wonder if you have a vision with room in it for your whole family to develop and prosper?

If you want to ‘culture’ anything new in your life it is important you first STOP trying to figure out how to make your partner love you and looking for what is going to add excitement to your life and find a vision of what is going to create stability for your family instead.

Are you or your partner in jobs that are disrupting your lives?
– If so maybe it’s time to challenge yourselves to do something more stable and more suited to your natural abilities?

Are you extroverted and stuck in a lonely office?
– Consider taking a job outside or start helping with after school day care or finding something you can teach a group instead.

Are you introverted and stuck in a crowd?
– Look into options to work from home and talk to your employer about how much more productive that could make your work week.

Is your partner on the road and never home?
– See what work is available in your area that suits their innate natural talents that they might be interested in instead.

When Steve’s father lost his long term job as marketing manger of a big supermarket chain, he thought it was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. Starting work as a hospital cleaner after months being unemployed seemed like a real step down in the world. Always having been a clean freak at home however, the cleaning and exercise he got on the new job improved his life tremendously.

Do you live in a secluded area where it is hard for you to develop a safety net in your community to help you de escalate the fights?
–  Maybe you need to start looking for a new place to live, closer to people and institutions who can help support you and where you will not be so isolated and alone.

Are your living expenses too high and putting stress on your family?
– Think about how you can downsize and simplify (without moving to a neighbourhood that might cause your life even greater instability).

These are a few suggestions that may well be worth fighting for!

The people who told me I needed to leave Steve were right in that I needed to get out of the isolated place where we had ended up living in the country.

I did pack up the kids and started looking for a new place in town where our lives would be more stable. But instead of leaving Steve behind I let him come along with us too!

He wanted to move to a cheaper place on the outskirts of town – but I simply said no, and that the move was my choice and that we needed to be closer to all that the center of town had to offer.

That cost us more in rent – but was worth every penny to have a library, police station, churches, the kids school and government offices all close by.

Are there people who are a disruptive influence on your family?
– If so the first step in Back From the Looking Glass will give you some very clear suggestions of how to make that end.

Now is the season to forget what is ‘normal’ and make emotional and financial stability your new fashion statement and just watch how rich and interesting your life can become.

Kim Cooper

*For emotional stability please review the steps in 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence.