Cleaning up after a big family gathering we had in our home recently, and feeling very tired and worn out, I couldn’t help but recall all the research I have read, demonstrating that humans are terrible at predicting how, what we plan, is likely to make us feel.
Neuroscience, refers to this as . . . us humans, having brains that are ‘faulty simulators’.
Because of this, if you want better relationships (in some situations), you need to override your instincts and build in . . . a new and healthier response.
For some people, this is easier than for others. Overriding your emotions with a pre-determined plan, takes self discipline, a certain degree of optimism and trust in a behavioral science research.
If you have been down the same road one hundred times and fallen in the same hole (repeatedly) every time . . . there probably will come a point where you will be ready to catch yourself in that emotional moment when you decide to find the strength and courage to try something new.
Don’t Give the Bully a Fight
There is nowhere that this shows up so clearly, than when you are faced with trying to ‘tame’ a person who makes a habit of ignoring your feelings, blaming you or putting you down.
When we feel disrespected, it is natural to become angry and want to tell the person who is blaming us . . . that they are wrong, our ‘faulty simulator’ will tell us: “This time, you really need to go the distance and convince that person just how wrong they are!” – no matter how many times (in the past) we have tried this . . . and found that it didn’t work.
What Makes a Bully Tick
The problem is that when bullies experience negative emotions, such as insecurity and fear, they have the habit of blaming other people. This is because blame and criticism help them feel powerful and in control again.
Trying to prove them wrong and expecting them to listen; acting like you need something from them that they have the power to withhold, puts power in their hands at a point when they are feeling vulnerable and will make them very unlikely to give that power up.
For this reason, it is best if you can decide not to want your bully to give you anything . . . and you give them something instead.
Something that will help reveal how weak they feel, shows that you do not want to undermine them and demonstrates that you really do care.
Take Care of Your Own Emotional Neediness First
When a person is feeling so unbalanced that they feel the need to put you down, it is not a good time to expect them emotionally to take care of you. Instead, use your self-soothing skills to take care of your emotions yourself.
The trouble is that most people who team up with bullies are codependent; they are very sensitive to criticism, will want the bully to apologise and take care of their emotions instead.
This is unrealistic and will only make matters worse. It is one of the reasons why it is so important to strengthen yourself and your own self-esteem, before you ever try and help.
First, you need to become strong enough to wonder why the person attacking you is feeling so insecure and scared that they need to put other people down?
Identify the Emotion
What is the emotion they are experiencing that they don’t know how to deal with? Is it jealousy? Is it insecurity? Is it anger? Or is it fear?
Needing to blame their negative feelings on you, really shows that they are weak and unable to deal with their negative emotions themselves.
Coming up with comebacks that validate the bully-you-love’s feelings, without taking the blame on yourself, can help de-escalate a fight and leave the bully room to look for other options of how to regulate their emotions in a healthier way, rather than allowing them to dump their feelings on you.
This might sound like …
“I had no idea that you were feeling so bad. Jealousy is a terrible emotion to deal with and I hope that I can help.”
Or
“I see that you are feeling very angry and I want to give you a while to calm down then, when you feel ready to talk, I hope we can sort this out.”
Or
“I can only guess how scary it must feel . . . not knowing what is happening with your work, but you are on your feet and I am going to stand by you.”
Or
“I can’t believe how much (work/your dad/your mother/life) is expecting from you right now and I understand you must feel pretty scared.”
These type of responses may see the bully calm down for a moment but then start feeling vulnerable, embarrassed and start winding themselves up again. A good thing to say in this situation is something like . . .
“Hey, just sit down. You calmed yourself down before and that was good. You don’t need to wind yourself up again.”
Or
“If you are going to start raising your voice again, I am going to have to leave you for a while to calm down . . . then we can talk later.”
Direct Them to the Right Help
After this, it is important that you help the person reframe and refocus if you can but DO NOT get involved in counseling, advising or trying to ‘fix‘ them. You want to show that you are . . .
- Emotionally secure yourself and not needing them to do anything to help you feel better.
- Not going to blame them or demand anything of them.
You might offer a comfortable chair and, this may also be a good time to show them, one of the stops on our Love Boat Tour of the Emotions with advice on how to better regulate the emotion you have empathically identified, that they are dealing with.
Steve and I have done a lot of work revising and tidying up the content in the tour. So, if you are subscribed but haven’t looked at the material for a while, it might be a good time to go back and have a look.
You should offer your partner this resource with a sincere sense of concern and empathy at how bad they must be feeling. Not lecturing, trying to make them feel bad or blaming.
You can sign up for our tour of the emotions to share with them here:
https://narcissismcured.com/thelovesafetynet/blog/?page_id=120
These steps in the article above, do not replace the steps in The Love Safety Net WorkBook and, most importantly, (if you are facing physical abuse) in Back From The Looking Glass.
You may need to set boundaries and let this person face the consequences of their actions. While the points in the article above, may help you down the line, in retraining their responses.
Retrain Your Response First
Our emotional responses to situations are like lightening and usually, do not change. However, every time you build in a new secondary response, you are cutting a new secondary neural pathway in your brain.
While you may still feel like getting mad and arguing at first, the new secondary response will eventually become habit, instead, making it easier and easier to calm yourself and act with compassion.
Most importantly, however, is that it will enable you to deal with your own emotions first . . . before you try to offer help.
You need to remember that this person CANNOT help you feel better, at a time when they have no idea how to deal with their own negative emotions.
It might seem obvious what you think they should do to show they care and support you but asking for that when someone is angry . . . is only going to escalate the fight.
Understand, that now is not the time for you to be asking for your partner’s support, instead . . . love and take care of yourself.
Circles of Communication
A ‘moving against’ type person, (see my blog post here for an explanation of attachment styles http://www.narcissismcured.com/blog/what-is-your-attachment-style/) usually had the type of mother who became anxious and felt rejected any time that child looked away to gather their thoughts. This type of mother would show disapproval and say: “What are you looking at?” or try and pick the child up and force them to offer a hug. The child’s response would usually be to try and twist away.
This is why it is so important not to try and force this person to give you love . . . at a time when this is not how they feel.
Likewise, when you are sitting, talking and your partner seems to tune out, looking off into the distance – see if you can’t come up with a healthier response than the mother mentioned above. Instead, you might just wait a short time until you sense your partner has gathered themself, then say: “Oh look, it is a ———–”, remembering to be friendly when bringing your partner back into the conversation again. These techniques are called ‘circles of communication’ and are how behavioral scientists can easily pick a person’s attachment style.
There may still be part of you that wants to ask “What are you thinking about?” or “What are you looking at?” with annoyance and suspicion in your voice . . . but that is something which you can practice a new and healthier response to override.
Working against your instincts in this way, may feel unnatural at first . . . but what is the reward? Love is something that only grows with trust over time. It is not something you can prise out of someone in conversation or convince them to give you in the heat of an argument.
Go back and read through the scripts I have offered here, make a note of them . . . and see if you can practice them today.
Kim Cooper
So good, once again, Kim!! When I think about the people I admire most, they don’t tend to get caught into other people’s states of emotion, and they don’t get “hurt” by others’ anger or indifference. They can be compassionate or understanding, but they seem to be emotionally settled and outside the drama, as you describe. Very inspiring to be reminded that we can go there, too.
A really helpfull article. Thank you Kim. My immediate problem with my husband is a mixture of jealousey and emotional bullying. He is jealous of my close relationship with my parents and children even though they are warm and loving and have tried to include him as one of the family. He had a difficult relationship with his mother who always expected perfection from her children and never told them she loved them. He is away working as a pilot for a few weeks and I am staying with my kids for a week to say goodby before they go back to Australia. Next month I have booked to go to Norway to help my daughter and family pack up before they move to Trinidad for three years. I booked for three weeks just after he had beaten me up and threatened to throw me off the balcony. I was about to give up and leave and need to get away and think. He doesn’t want me to go and keeps phoning, using a baby voice and telling me he can’t be on his own, can’t carry on with his job and needs me by his side. He crys on the phone and then switches to telling me I don’t treat him as my priority as my husband. He is in a very bad way and has really no real friends or support network. I have found so much in your articles that has helped me in my behaviour and feel quite strong now in myself and found your articles on showing empathy but also taking time out when verbal abuse starts have worked. But I don’t understand the baby voice and tears from a man who was a senoir officer in the army for 25 years. I think he also suffers from PTS but won’t admit it. Also you said recently that counselling is not necessarily a good thing. After the last time he threatened to kill me I calmly told him that I could not see a future in our relationship unless we got help and he finally agreed. I have a contact who is a senior physiologist specialising in PTS who is willing to see him. Should I go ahead with this?
Hi Jane, Yes certainly if you trust them – but don’t be surprised if he lies to try and get the physiologist onside. In the meantime you need other boundaries in place too. Have you got Back From the Looking Glass? There is a step that talks about recognizing the wolf in sheep’s clothing. The baby voice is the sheep’s clothing. I suggest you read Back From the Looking Glass today as I am certain that it is going to help you move forward.
Really a very helpful article. What I have for so long wanted to do, but have been unable. I think I need to write a script on the palm of my hand! Not sure how else I’ll remember. Because I can’t tell you how many times I have envisioned doing it differently. Perhaps I will take to rehearsing every single morning before I start my day. I will, in fact.
Great idea Tanya – That is exactly the right thing to do!!!