Sexual Longevity

How to conduct a meaningful sexual relationship
that gets better over time . . .

• Do you feel relaxed and like you can be yourself with the person you love? Or instead are you lonely, frustrated and often feel annoyed?
• Is your sexual expression developing and satisfying? Or does sex require more and more effort from you (while giving you less and less pleasure in return) while teaching you little about your partner or yourself?
• Has sex become a subject that causes tension in your relationship?

 

Shouldn’t Sex Bring Us Closer?

Our human lifestyle has changed dramatically in the hundred and fifty years since the industrial revolution. We now spend more and more time away from our family, often working alone, rather than in the fields where men once worked all day alongside their fathers, and women at home with their mothers. Vital knowledge that was once passed down from generation to generation has been lost or deemed irrelevant. The introduction of birth control, easily available pornography and television has also dramatically changed our sexual expectations and behavior, while advertising has become more and more cunning at seducing our interests away from the day to day routine in our homes. Advertising aims to make us feel inferior and insecure (and hence in need of the products it offers). It makes us fear that we smell bad and do not measure up in status, wealth and sexual attractiveness to other members of our own sex.

The combination of all of these factors has left many people off track in their lives, not knowing how to find a secure place where they feel known and loved by their family. The type of security that builds trust and allows deep and satisfying sexual partnerships to develop over the years maturing to new levels of depth, expression, comfort and ease.

Men have been robbed of their sovereignty and many sense this and feel angry about it, but few really understand where it is that men lost their position of authority in their family. Unfortunately men often take this frustration out on their wives, blaming women’s liberation or women in general, but in reality their wives can do little to help, knowing just as little about what went wrong or how to help themselves, let alone their husbands, to feel more ‘in charge’ and secure about their lives.

Women often blame men too that their lives feel empty and lacks intimacy and rapport.

This short and very ‘to the point’ guide gives advice for a couple’s sexual life and is very explicit. It includes the one sexual position that most women need to participate in to climax (without manual stimulation) during sex. It is not a sleazy or steamy read however, instead it is the road map for you to build love and respect together and find a place in your life where you feel needed, appreciated and loved.

Don’t Worry About Your Girlfriend or Wife’s Past

This is one of the worst mistakes men make in their marriage. If your wife or girlfriend has previous experience (sexually) and now wants to settle down with you, and you love her, well lucky you! You have a ripe piece of fruit, and things will go much better for you both if you don’t get jealous about the past. You see the truth is that most women need a bit of experience to become orgasmic with a man and so if you learn what I have to offer about making sure she is reaching climax with you, her previous experience (and your confidence) is going to make that easier.

Sexual Experience and Men

Likewise sexual experience is very important for imprinting a man’s sexual impulses in a healthy way.

But if a man has programmed himself badly by having sex too often while looking at two dimensional images (porn), it may take some serious work (I will get to this in a moment) for him to reprogram himself to respond to taste, touch, smell, emotional cues, laughter, and all of the great stuff that sex ‘for all of your senses’ is about. These are things that sex with your hand and your eyes is never going to teach you. Getting rid of the images porn puts in your head (so that you can be present and loved by the real live person you are having sex with) is going to also be a problem if you habitually have sex with porn and not a real life partner.

I know that women view porn too – but the danger is not the same with women as it is with men. If you are interested in this please take the time to watch this YouTube video where you will see more about how and why porn hurts men – and more importantly why many men are now choosing to do to reverse the damage.

Now don’t get me wrong – I am not saying masturbation is harmful. Masturbation is a completely healthy activity and can teach you a lot about your body’s likes and dislikes, but remember that using your imagination is a much healthier way to approach this than imaginary sex with a two dimensional partner.

Your imagination will teach you about yourself, while experience with pictures or movies will leave you as less than a two dimensional lover in real life.

Now lets cover a few of the basics of helping your partner enjoy you being close …

Brush Your Teeth and Wash Your Clothes and Hands!

If you really want clean teeth and a nice smelling mouth, use sea salt or bicarbonate of soda and not toothpaste. Toothpaste has sugar in it which leaves a bad taste and smell in your mouth. Eat a carrot too while your at it, and have a shower. Your partner may not be as concerned about your looks as you think, but dirty and smelly is not attractive, except for … well, a hint of sweat can actually be a turn on (if you eat a lot of fruit and vegetables and not too much sugar or trans fats), so don’t be scared of exercise – but not stale sweat (on clothes that haven’t been washed recently) or bad breath — which is the biggest turn off of all!

Smell is Very Important to Women

Smell is one of the most important things that attract women to men. Whether a woman knows it or not there are pheromones in a man’s sweat that attract women at a very primal level — and even help a woman choose the right partner to have healthy children with. So don’t go overboard with aftershave, instead make sure that you and your clothes (and hands) are clean with a natural unscented soap. Don’t be fooled by all those deodorant and aftershave ads either (that will try and fool you into hating how your own body smells), it is your natural aroma that your wife probably likes (and that really turns her on!).

You should also know that eating alkaline foods will help you smell sweet naturally. Check out alkaline diets by doing some research on it online.

And if you don’t feel attractive, maybe you need to get your wife to help you with your wardrobe. I bet she will love it if you are honest with her about why you want her help! If you allow her to dress you it will also help you learn to be more playful together, which leads to my next point …

The Importance of Being Playful

It is important to practice being playful because both women and men love this. To men I say, be tough with the outer world, but with your wife be playful and fun. Show her that you are delighted in her presence (don’t say it, think it and show it!), with sparkling eyes and laughing at her jokes sometimes, and taking interest in the things she says. This will show that you love her much more than words ever will. If you think of the ways you wish your wife would treat you, my bet is that she likes most of those same things too! And if you remember to let her be the star sometimes, you will still get your turn in the limelight, and you will get great sex too!

Commitment is Not a Dirty Word

What about all those people who will tell you that marriage and commitment make for boring sex? Well I would say that if a person needs to change partners to keep sex interesting, they mustn’t be much of a lover, because a good sexual relationship should deepen and mature over time and leave you feeling satisfied and content.

There is nothing ‘cool’ about getting around like a sex-starved teenager when you are old. Acting like this doesn’t mean you have stayed young – instead it means that you have failed to find sexual satisfaction in your life.

Did you know that it is perfectly normal and OK for a man to just want one girl? The idea that you are not masculine if you are not some kind of stud playing the field is ridiculous.

Those James Bond ideas of male sexuality have been sold to you by the very people who want to steal your sexual sovereignty by making sex into a consumer commodity they can sell to you.

I bet you have heard the saying ‘sex sells’? Well I think the truth is that corporations use sex in advertising to try and turn us into insecure and unsatisfied suckers that are ready to spend our hard earned money on stuff we don’t really need.

Don’t let the corporate advertisers steal your throne! You don’t need their perfumes to make you smell different. And when you are older and have children it is perfectly normal to not be interested
in sex all the time!

Because the truth is that there is nothing more masculine in a woman’s eyes
than a man being devoted to his wife and children.

What makes woman question a man’s masculinity, and confidence in himself, is if he truly wants a good relationship but is afraid to admit it, by acting cold and aloof or playing hard to get etc., or always just wanting to ‘hang out’ with the guys or hide at work.

Playing emotionally distant or ‘hard to get’ is a giant mistake. It breeds resentment, and can produce ongoing family hostility. It does not make a woman think a man is tough, or stronger than her, or ‘in control’, instead it will only hurt her, and make her think that he is weak and manipulative.

And if a woman is married to a man like this, over time she may even begin treating him like a proud child while his aloofness may cause her to withdraw from him sexually.

And playing aloof or hard to get is a big mistake for women too.

If you have already made this mistake you need to apologize and make a fresh start by being straight about your feelings for your partner. I will share more about this kind of emotional strength and courage soon.

Likewise if you are a man and not in a relationship yet – don’t talk to the women you know (even just friends) about wanting a serious relationship, if you are not going to take action to make that happen. This will only make you look weak in their eyes. Women respect a man who is confident enough in his own masculinity to be able to admit he wants a committed relationship and perhaps a family and is not afraid of making a good job of making that happen!

Now this doesn’t mean you need to tell your wife you love her every five minutes, but if you want a good marriage don’t play aloof or hard to get!

Show It and Don’t Say It

Listen, smile, laugh, and try to remember the witty and charming things your wife or girlfriend has said when you are together and then sometimes remind her of these later. When she looks into your eyes let her see how beautiful you think she is. And if she says she loves you, say “I love you too”. Don’t try and be clever, those exact four words are the only correct response.

A word of warning – Remember me saying, “Don’t say it, think it and show it?” Sometimes men (especially when they are dating) get crazy ideas that women don’t like good men. The problem is that if you start saying how delightful you find a woman and how well you are going to treat her, she is likely to get very bored. And if you don’t know her very well she might even laugh about you to her girlfriends later. This is not because girls like to be treated badly (as some guys mistakenly think) it is because when you are saying how much you like her and how well you are going to treat her, you are really just talking about how great you are and not treating her well at all.

 

 

Instead, if you really love a woman, you will listen to her, smile, laugh at her jokes, ask playful and suggestive questions and sometimes remind her of all the witty, charming and intelligent things she said. If you are really going to treat her well, you will do it, not make award speeches about how great you are or how great you are going to be in the future. If you have been guilty of this in the past, and you are feeling slightly embarrassed now, that’s okay, just vow to never do it again! If you catch yourself, stop mid sentence, laugh at yourself and say “Sorry, what were you saying?” Or “what’s on your mind?” Women like men of action (playful and present) so don’t talk about it, do it!

Don’t Share Your Whole Past

Now I will make another important suggestion here. Experience is okay, but if you want love to last you would both be wise to make a decision not to talk about your past too much. New lovers can notoriously feel the need to share their entire life story with each other and while that is normal it isn’t fun. When the first bloom of love fades it also leaves a lot of fuel for unnecessary jealousy. It is healthy to keep some special memories to yourself. That is about being emotionally strong. You don’t need everything in your life validated by someone else right? I am not saying to lie, no way – lies destroy love faster than anything. Instead just say that you are glad your husband or wife has some special memories about the things that happened before you met, and that you know this means there is a better chance they will be happy to settle down with you now. But you might also suggest that sparing each other too many details from the past might help keep things fresh. Make it clear that you don’t mind sharing, but if they ask too many questions, or it feels like your partner is becoming suspicious or jealous, then I suggest you do this …

Smile Into Their Eyes and Tell Them You Love Them!

Be light and playful no matter how heavy they are feeling, if they are really caught in a bad emotion, let it pass and don’t try and make them talk if it looks like they don’t want to. Don’t go away though; and as soon as they look at you or lighten at all, jump in really positive. “Come on let’s get out in the sunshine/moonlight etc.” Don’t use force, but don’t ask permission either, you take the lead and brush their hair off their face and laugh like you love them, stay happy and light, while looking concerned. Jealousy is a terrible emotion, so take pity, but don’t get into the game. Show that you care and that you will not leave them feeling like that, but also that this is territory you are not interested to explore. Say “I am here with you because this is where I want to be”.

Attachment

There is hard science on why people form emotional attachment to each other and (just like the other advice I have been offering so far) these rituals that build intimacy don’t start in the bedroom but at the front door.

The first and most important of these habits is that you always greet your partner saying their name as if you are pleased to see them. You can also give them a hug, a small kiss or even just offer your hand for them to take and squeeze whenever you greet each other after you have been apart. Make this a habit and you will always keep your partner close and warm with you.

To build a strong attachment you should also try to be really solid and always have time for your partner if they have something to share. Give them your full attention (and turn off your phone) and ask questions without taking over or telling them what to do. This is about your relationship and the time you give this will make your partner value and love you. Try and be the person they always want to turn to.

Giving people your full attention actually saves time in the end. If you get it right and really make a person feel “held” by your interest, they will be much more likely to feel satisfied, relaxed and loved. This will cause them to be more open, more fun and less draining, and in time they will in fact come to demand less of your attention and time.

To build attachment you can also take your partner places you are familiar with (and they are not) with you acting as guide; “The ladies is over there if you need it, and if we want to eat later we can go up there to a great little place I know”, etc. If your partner is an outdoors type this might include camping. But don’t overdo this by being patronising or controlling. Being a charming and gracious guide in these situations will cause your partner to relax and trust you more.

Encourage them to depend on you — because if you are married this means you are family now and you need to offer your help and be reliable and make sure that you are true to your word.

It is also important not to ‘back into’ attachment! Because many people haven’t developed a healthy attachment style, instead they will try and get close to people by making a common enemy of something or someone else. If you complain a lot about friends and family, politics, (or anything for that matter) think if you are perhaps doing this to try and get closer to the people you are with. It is much healthier (and you will be more successful) if you can try and ‘turn around’ by being more honest about your interest in the people you are with. It is far better to talk about things you both like, rather than put other people down. Relearning this will improve the quality of your friendships. Because when you are putting people down the person you are talking to will not be able to help wondering how you talk about them when they are not around. Talking badly about other people behind their back is the fastest way to damage your reputation.

This is vital… Make sure you introduce your partner to anyone you meet while you are out. It is essential for a happy life together that your partner can easily see that your marriage is more important than your other relationships, even if the other person you run into is a business associate or old friend. Don’t leave your partner alone on the outside of conversations and if you need to talk on the phone or to someone else while you are out together, try and make sure you leave them someone to talk to or something to do.

Are You Ready for Love?

Now getting back to jealousy, what about you? For success in love it is essential that you learn what your jealousy is teaching you. Jealousy is a sign your relationship is under threat and this should definitely be heeded – but not until the feeling has passed and you are feeling calm enough to assess the situation in a balanced way.

But what if you often find yourself feeling jealous with very little cause?

This is a sign your attachment to the people you love is weak and you need to work on your attachment skills (above) and improve what is known as your ‘attachment style’. Some people will tell you that you cannot change your attachment style, but I disagree. Practicing new skills may feel awkward at first, but that doesn’t mean that they cannot come to feel natural if you keep practicing these skills over time. Take for instance the skill of greeting people warmly. If this wasn’t a habit your learned when you were young, you practicing it now is probably going to feel very awkward. Practice makes perfect however and when you see how your relationships improve and your jealousy decreases, I am sure you will agree that a little awkwardness at first is well worth your effort.

• Or maybe you have trouble admitting it when you are jealous?
• Or blow what your partner did out of all proportion to try and justify your jealous reaction?
• Or when you are jealous maybe you pretend you are angry with your partner about something else instead?

Men in particular are notorious for pretending that they are not jealous when really they are! So here is where we start to sort the men from the boys …

If you want to be stronger than your wife emotionally – (and I bet you do) it’s going to take a bit of training. Just like how you don’t get a great body without sweat, you are not going to be the calm, wise and together guy that you want to be without putting in some effort.

Women Want Emotional Strength in a Man More Than Anything

Emotionally strong is not cold, distant, or repressed, and it is not angry, punishing, jealous or upset either. It is reaching a state where you understand and can read your own emotions, and openly handle your wife’s emotions, jealousy anger etc., showing concern about how she is feeling without getting too upset yourself.

Emotions are very important signals, but if it is always just anger or lust, or you habitually act out – saying and doing things in the heat of the moment that you regret later – then you are not emotionally
strong. Genuine emotions come and go fairly quickly, while moods that hang around tend to be learned behavior which is really about trying to manipulate and control people. Now go back and read that last line again, and girls make sure you read it too!

This may take some ‘pride swallowing’ at times to move past. For example, can you recognize when you are sulking just to get your way or hanging on to being angry because you don’t want to admit you feel ashamed of yourself?

If you can learn to drop it and say you are embarrassed and you are sorry, this will help you experience
much more love and appreciation from your partner, family and friends.

If your emotions are always just a reaction to your wife, such as you getting angry if she is disappointed in you, or you getting upset if you don’t get your way, this is not emotionally strong either – Whether you are a man or a woman I think the best way to build emotional strength is for you to start by being really honest with yourself. Look at those parts of yourself that you are unhappy with and ashamed of. Just like physical exercise to build muscular strength, this exercise to build emotional strength is best practiced every day. Take some time and start by doing it now. It hurts and feels terrible at first, but it builds strength and courage. Have you been a jerk with someone? Have you been letting your family down? Really think about it and feel the bad feelings that usually you try and avoid.

Stop and do this for at least 5 minutes right now.

When you can ask yourself if you would do these things you are ashamed of again and you can truly answer that you would not, then that is enough, forgive yourself and the other person and move on.

This is not about beating yourself up — quite the opposite. It is ‘inner house cleaning’ and is about feeling good about yourself. You need to look at the emotional mess in yourself and clean it up regularly if you are going to start feeling confident, strong and proud of yourself. The fastest way to change bad and unwelcome behavior is to look at it in the full light of day. Then you need to imagine yourself doing what you would rather be doing instead — and breathe lots of energy into those new activities by making a really big picture of them in your imagination.

For instance, I have a totally wonderful husband (Steve) and he says the only way he was able to stop smoking was to hold a really big picture of himself as a non-smoker in his head. He tried to quit twice and failed, but when he got that picture in his head, that was it and now he hasn’t smoked in over 9 years. You can do this with anything. Do you want to improve anything about your behavior or emotional stability? Well, see the change you want in your head and make the picture big and think about it as often as you can.

Practicing something new always feels awkward. But that doesn’t mean it will always feel that way.

Also it is vital you don’t excuse your bad behavior just because there is someone else who behaves worse than you! This is a huge mistake, because no matter how low you let your own standards slide, there will always be someone who behaves worse. You be the keeper of your own high standards for yourself. Include honesty as one of these standards and you will be someone respected and that people trust – which will in turn give you more freedom and independence. Are you an honest person in all areas of your life? Think about it now and if not see your self becoming so. What would that look like?

Maybe you have never considered doing any personal training of this nature, but believe me, if you have ever been accused of being cold, distant, angry, controlling, jealous or insecure, or you yourself know that you are, it will not get better by itself.

The good news is that private and simple help is now at hand. No one likes a control freak or insecurity either, and insecurity in a lover is the worst! Too many people are looking for love to make them feel better about themselves but really it can’t! If you are insecure you need to fix this yourself. Don’t blame your insecurity or problems on your partner or friends, they will undoubtably resent you for it and this will re-enforce your feelings of worthlessness. And even if people care that you feel bad, no one really wants to hear about it! That’s why Steve and I have partnered with The Wellness Audio Institute. You can visit their site and learn more about their state-of-the-art audio products for personal and drug-free stress and anxiety relief here …

www.backtocalm.info

Now if you have a serious emotional problem a professional counselor can help. But don’t give up if the first one isn’t right and remember if you feel small or stupid talking to them find someone else!

You may also like to check out a very cost effective, simple and private online alternative to therapy called Baggage Dumper. This series of online movies will help you to emotionally move on from the past and find a better future for yourself

www.BaggageDumper.com

But if you can’t find the courage to start practicing good relationship habits and treating your partner well, then no amount of therapy in the world is going to make you into better lovers or friends. Good relationship skills are habits – not something you decide if your partner deserves or not.

OK so you need to be emotionally fit to have a good marriage and sex life and that’s that.

So now more about sex …

Did you know there is only one position that will result in climax for most women during sex?

Missionary – Man Riding High

I am not going to draw diagrams as there are plenty of places on the web that you can research this for free and it does take a little bit of skill. So take your time researching and practicing this and I will share with you a few more specific moves here …

Getting Down to Business

 

Don’t Forget Fore-Play

– I heard someone say once that sex for a man was like a fire that needed to be put out and for a woman it was like getting a fire started. Fore-play is very simple and you can do this!

Start by exploring her body with your finger tips and your lips – but (this bit is important) …
Get it in the right order!; Don’t start between her legs! Instead start by stroking her hair or even kissing her toes! Also try touching or kissing her neck and nibbling her ears and running your fingers up her spine. All the time you are doing this keep listening to her breathing. If she starts breathing heavy then she likes what you are doing and she will probably like the same thing every time. Congratulations, because you have now found all of the right ‘buttons’ you can use over and over again! As she gets more excited, move on and look for the next spot. Perhaps run your fingers lightly up her thighs now or touch or kiss her nipples. Listen for her breathing. Don’t start diving to get your hand in her knickers until she is breathing hard and her legs have relaxed and are opening on their own! Try and find at least three spots that she likes, get them in order and remember them! Getting them in order means that you start with the spots she likes furthest away from her pants and then slowly move in. It might go something like kissing, nibbling her ears, touching her neck, then to her breasts and so on…

And a word of advice for the girls … Men’s genitals are very sensitive and so if you are going to touch, be firm (if you like) but always gentle. Especially be careful of rings and also try and be in tune with his reaction to what you are doing. Men need foreplay too and so don’t pounce but move in slowly. A bit of oil or lubricant is always nice too.

Now About That Fire!

– The aim of ‘missionary man riding high’ is for the man to get the in and out friction he needs, while the women gets the near constant pressure on her clitoris (if you don’t know what a clitoris is look up some anatomy charts online straight away!) she needs to climax. The slang is ‘bump and grind’. Men might like the kick drum in music, but gals will probably like the snare. Prince’s music is a great example. He has always prided himself on knowing what the girls like and he has got ‘bump’ in his music for sure, but he has also got snare sounds like a big chain being dragged on concrete, which means he does great grind!

If you are a man and worried about coming too quickly then get right up inside her fast and stop moving until you can get control of yourself again. As long as the skin above your cock is pressing hard into her clitoral region she is going to like it. If you stop this pressure, she may grab your butt and start moaning and pulling you close. Keep going, stay right up inside her, keep your strokes tiny if you are getting too close, but keep the grind happening in rhythm with your strokes. If she doesn’t grab you, instead you might ask her to guide you. Say “Grab my butt and show me what you like!” This is the mutual orgasm position. Feel her building and give yourself the length of stroke you need. All she is going to care about is that you are having a good time, that you like her, and that the grind continues between the bumps! There is nothing boring about missionary position. When you get this right she will most likely want to ‘finish off’ like this every time.

The first few times the area of skin just above a guy’s cock is going to feel tender, if not bruised, for the next day or so. Don’t worry, you will get used to it. Believe it or not, your gal likes that mound better than she likes your cock. She likes you big and hard for sure because that shows that you like her! But that other spot, well that is what is going to get her there!

Now if you are both overweight this position may not work and if this is the case you need to tell her that you like seeing her touch herself while you have sex and let her give herself the stimulation she needs without you squashing her!

Faking It

– If a woman is screaming, singing, or even speaking more than a word or two, she is probably faking it.

That’s right. If it’s real she is going to be getting very tense and wound up, she will even be feeling pretty rigid (definitely not frigid) and may be moaning, but possibly making no sound at all. If you are really in tune, you will feel her body making slight to large convulsions, in little or big waves when she finally climaxes. This might be very brief or it might go on a long time.

If you worry she might be faking it please do not question her or accuse her of this! Her faking it means she is more concerned about your feelings than her own pleasure and so she will be very embarrassed to admit this, so please just give her a break! Just ignore it when you think she is faking it and don’t stop or assume the show is over. If she hasn’t really climaxed she will still be keen. Try moving around a bit until you can tell you are really getting her in the right spot. Then once she starts tensing up make sure you keep that rhythm going (even if your strokes are tiny just keep up the grind) until she exhales deeply, and relaxes. If she has been faking it in the past she is really going to love you for not making it uncomfortable talking about it but instead just taking charge and helping her get there. Sexual frustration is just as bad for woman as it is for men and once a woman starts faking it, when is it ever going to end? A women faking it does not mean her partner is inadequate. Most women just don’t have the confidence to tell you that the way you are having sex now is never going to get her there.

Don’t Forget the After-Play!

– Women don’t get their endorphins (great feeling, sleepy hormones) straight after sex like men do, so men, if you don’t want her upset with you for falling asleep on her (and believe me women really hate that), all you need to do now is make sure that after sex you give her a kiss, touch her nipples or kiss her throat. This will let her endorphins down, so get ready for her to really get off on this small kind afterthought. You might not be excited anymore, but believe me it is well worth the tiny effort on your part. After that she is going to be as happy and dopey as you, so you will both get some sleep without her feeling angry and not speaking to you for the next two days! You might also offer her a clean towel and if it is a special occasion have some fruit or something refreshing to drink on hand as all that heavy breathing will have probably made you both thirsty.

If you really love a woman after-play is very important. This is a good time to talk openly and to tell her the things you like about her. Most women have fears that men are only interested in them for sex and after-play is the only time you can really prove that untrue. Have a bath together, rub her hands or feet with oil or just talk. Falling asleep after sex is OK, but not every time. After play is about playing for keeps.

Setting the stage and advanced techniques …

Closing your inner eyes

You won’t get what I want to explain to you now unless you at least imagine this, so please give this a try …

Eat a strawberry or chocolate or something you like …

Look at it and then bring it up to your lips and close your eyes and savor the taste.

Now do the same thing but this time look at it and keep a picture of what you are eating in your mind’s eye while you eat it.

Could you still enjoy the flavour the second time as well as you could the first? Was it still as enjoyable?

Visuals can obviously be very exciting and are where sexual arousal begins, but when you get right down to business, learning to close your inner eyes and lose yourself in the taste, smell and feel of sex will be much more satisfying in the end.

The problem with this often starts with porn. It programs you to keep looking, when in real life
your eyes would be closed and you would be touching, smelling, tasting and listening instead.

This is part of the reason porn leaves you feeling empty. You can see the person, but that’s it and your other senses don’t come into it at all.

Once you are programmed like this it then becomes natural to keep images in your head every time you have sex, and because vision dominates our senses, these images over-ride your other senses, which then get left out – causing the whole experience to seem flat.

This in turn leads to escalation and desensitisation, which means that you have to do more and more to get less and less pleasure out of sex.

Don’t get me wrong, our eyes are very important and visuals are usually what attracts us to each other in the first place. Once you are up really close, however, by closing your eyes and also your inner eyes, you will become much more a part of the whole experience.

Think about listening to your favorite music or eating your favorite food, or touching your wife’s nipples or your husband’s chest. If you close your eyes while doing any of these things your other senses are immediately heightened. Suddenly, you can smell her, or feel the texture of his skin. Instantly, the food and music taste and sound better, and you feel the pleasure of these more deeply inside you.

Because when you taste, smell or feel something in a sense you are becoming a part of what you are touching. But you cannot ‘make a meal’ of an image. Your eye doesn’t touch or meld with anything it sees, it can only see things separate to itself.

This is one reason that putting a blindfold on can be very exciting while having sex. It will make your partner less inhibited if you are blindfolded and if you are both blindfolded it can be really wonderful too.

But first you must learn to close your inner eyes if you really want to discover how rich and satisfying
sex can be, and the blindfold alone can’t do that.

This might be a little crude, but I think a lot of guys get around most of their life like a couple of eye balls connected to a penis by a bit of string. They are all cock and eyes …

Not a pretty picture is it? If you want to get the rest of your body into the act and not be just a cock, but a cock with a body, ears a mouth, skin, hands and a nose and a brain – you will need to learn about what I am saying. And if you have never tried closing your inner eyes you will never know what you are missing!

Your ‘Love Den’

Since we are on the subject of your other senses, here are some things that you might like to decorate with and have on hand next time you get together with your clothes off!

Things that smell good – Get an electric essential oil vaporiser (not burner). Put it somewhere safe where it won’t get knocked over and half fill it with sweet almond oil (not water). When you buy it (try the cosmetic department in your local department store) I want you to also go through the essential oils and pick with your nose (and eyes closed) which one turns you on! Don’t use cheap oils, you only need one, so get the good stuff. At home in your vaporiser you will only need one or two drops at a time added to the sweet almond oil, which should last an hour or so. Don’t use more or it will be too strong and unpleasant.

If you give your wife flowers don’t give her carnations or daisies! Choose roses or even better, oriental lilies. These smell nice and the lilies might be a little more expensive but they last a long time. Fragrant flowers in the bedroom are very erotic.

Use unscented shampoo and soap (so your partner can smell what you smell like!) but you may like to wash your sheets using fabric softener that has a gentle fragrance to it.

Things that taste good – Personally I would avoid sugar. It leaves a very bad taste and smell in your mouth after a while. I try not to eat it at all. Choose pieces of melon in bite sized cubes, that are tasty, slightly exotic and refreshing but won’t stain your sheets like berries would. Spring water or juice frozen into small ice cubes that you can suck and pop in each others mouth or run along your bodies are great too.

Things that feel good – Satin or, I prefer, clean matching cotton sheets (his knees won’t slip on those!) washed with fabric softener, some warm oil from your vaporiser rubbed all over both of you, soft clean hair, a silk scarf or feather to run along each others bodies, the list is only limited by your imagination.

Things that sound good – Personally I don’t like music with many words while having sex, I think it much more fun listening to something that helps me switch off my mind and get lost in it – like gypsy music, rhythmic drumming etc. There are exceptions of course, this choice is highly personal, I would suggest however that the music be background, not too emotional and not centre stage. Play each other your favorite musicians later, because in bed – you two should be the stars.

OK So you have plenty to consider now? I want to keep this as to the point as I can, so I think I will leave you with it, except for a little bit more on porn addiction and some advice especially for women (that you blokes should take a peak at too!) …

But first I want to give a little advice to men if your wife is upset or crying…

It’s not so bad! You have been taught to hide your hurt, sadness etc., but women look forward to having a man to share this with. Believe it or not it means that she likes you. Be tender and gentle and care. If she is upset with you, do the same as my recommendations above for jealousy. Hear her problem and (even if it is with you) ask questions about how she feels, like “I had no idea that you felt like this? When did this feeling start?” Or “Boy that must really feel bad?” Listen to her answers! She is telling you about her inner world now so listen close, and apologize if need be, but don’t be defensive by arguing or saying it is really her fault. Be stronger than her emotionally by caring but NOT letting it get you hurt or upset. Remember that women really want a guy who is emotionally strong. Even if you feel hurt or angry you don’t have to act on it, decide to be a big guy by being bigger than these emotions, decide to care and slowly your feelings will change. Remember that your brain is electrical but your emotions are chemical and electrical happens faster than chemical. If you change your mind your feelings will follow, but because they are chemical it takes longer, so you have to be patient. As with jealousy, don’t get too deep into it with her, but instead say “But I love you (her name)! Come on I am getting you out of this gloomy place and let’s go have some fun”, and then do it! Lead the way, and be kind. It will all be over before you know it and she will be happier than you have ever seen her. She will probably be ready after this (sharing her negative emotions, and you being strong, supportive and kind) to give you all the adoration you are craving yourself!

Desensitizing Yourself From Pornography

 

Set Yourself Free

Now I know that a lot of you guys love porn, but as I explained in the last chapter, porn teaches men absolutely nothing about having sex with real women and also alienates women and makes them jealous (It is now a leading cause of divorce). Porn imprints sexual images and behavioral patterns on your brain that make learning all of the beauty, complexity and timing of the real thing much more difficult. Every part of a woman’s body has secrets to discover that you will never find in a picture.

Now I know that porn is hard to resist but if you want some help with your resolve start here –

http://nopornpledge.com/is.htm
My name is on their list!

The next thing for you to realize is that porn is a terrible distraction from your work. Imagine if the filing cabinets at work were filled with porn magazines! How distracting would that be for the guys (and girls) working there. The problem is that more and more these days you are expected to work on a computer from home, so getting into a porn habit on your computer is much like shooting your career in the foot.

If porn is a problem for you I suggest you do this; admit to your wife or girlfriend (if you have one) that you have a problem with it; they might be angry, but tell them that you need their help. The next thing is to spend the money and get your wife or girlfriend to set up security software on your computer and ask them to monitor it whenever they like but not to tell you when they are going to do so. Don’t give yourself a hard time about masturbating if your partner does not want sex as often as you. Just don’t use porn when you do! Your imagination is a much better option.

The next thing is to start re sensitizing yourself. This will mean abstaining from sex for a week or two until you get your sensitivity back (if you have been using porn a lot). But now here is an important point … Webcam and online dating rooms etc. are even more dangerous than porn. It is the same two dimensional world except here there is a real danger that you will start lying about yourself to try and impress girls. Don’t turn yourself into a creep from the temptation to get into fantasy relationships with real women online. Don’t turn into a cyber-path by falling for this temptation! They are on the lowest rung on the social ladder and there are women who will hunt you down and expose you for this activity. Lying to women is not cool. If you are not careful you will turn yourself into a sub-human species!

You should also know that you are going to need to be honest with your partner when you re sensitize. Rejecting your partner without her knowing why is not fair. When you get back into it she may also want to know why you are suddenly into blindfolds, nice smelling oils etc! I think that most wives will be happy to know that you are working on building more intimacy with them. You need to let them know what is happening.

Then when you are ready, start with the closing your inner eye exercises. By having a blindfold to play with you will feel more disoriented and less like you have to perform. If chasing images out of your head means that you lose your erection, well, so be it. Try and relax and be present with your partner. She probably feels nervous too, so have some surprises ready to please her if you need to take a time out, like an Ostrich feather to tickle her with, some melon cubes to feed her or even a nice story to read. Make sure that when you are ‘starting over’ like this, after your desensitisation period, you give you and your partner lots of time for sex. Organise a baby sitter, take the phone off the hook and take the pressure off by having a lot of fun planned together and not just
sex.

Make this easy on yourself. See yourself how you want to be. Is that a porn addict? I doubt it. Don’t leave your self open to temptation. The software security might just be the thing that you need to get your life back on track.

The Ladies Lounge

Some Things Women Should Know About Sex (but often don’t)

I hope the guys keep reading here too, because there are some things you should know about women that you may even be able to help them with …

what I mean is this –

Because guys and girls don’t talk honestly enough with each other there is a lot of misinformation out there. For starters I wonder if you know …

Most girls really do NOT enjoy anal sex, men coming in their mouth, or having sex from behind (unless their partner is overweight). But many women will still offer to do these things with men. This can then turn into a dangerous trap that will stop your sexual relationship growing better over time.

Women will not tell their partner the truth about this for a number of reasons (all of which usually get the opposite result they intend);

a. They don’t really think that their partner loves them enough and are desperate to try anything to ‘spice up’ their marriage and be more attractive. As common as this is, this kind of insecurity is actually manipulative and when the sex is over your husband is likely to respect you much less. Being confident enough in yourself to be honest about what you like and don’t like, is much more attractive.

b. They want their husband to feel they owe them something in return, like special treatment or some kind of emotional care taking that he is probably completely unaware of. When this unspoken ‘debt’ isn’t repaid they may even become angry that their husband has just used them! This isn’t nice – because really sex shouldn’t be used as this kind of leverage if you want to build honest trust and rapport.

Men can do themselves a huge favour by being careful about receiving these kinds of sexual favours – because the unspoken emotional debt created by engaging in sex that is not enjoyable for their wife can get ugly fast. A man can simply say – “You don’t need to do that” or “No, come up here”.

In a similar way, many women these days have not learned that dressing in a very provocative way will not make it easier for them to find a boyfriend. Quite the opposite, women who have too much skin showing in the wrong setting, will make most men uncomfortable talking to them and not know where to look.

And men should know that if they start eyeing off women dressed like this when they think no one is looking, the other nicer and more emotionally stable women (that might include their wife) will spot this in a second and may become wary of getting close.

You see the basics in all of this is that if you want a deep and satisfying sex life, what you really need is to work on keeping yourself nice. When surveyed about what men and women wanted from the opposite sex the number one response for both sexes was kindness.

If missionary position sex sounds boring to you – I wonder if you have ever climaxed together looking into each others eyes? There is nothing boring about trust and security that matures like a fine wine and getting ‘in sync’ with each other without drama, intrigue or fights.

Hang in there!

Kim Cooper