Scripts to Get You Out of a Jam

My Reminder List for  When Things Get Tight . . .

Things to Stop

1. Stop asking your partner to change.

– As much as it sometimes feels the right thing to do – it seldom works and can really put a dampener on love.

2. Stop trying to get your partner to have that “big talk” about feelings.

If you are feeling bad they probably are too and so talking about feelings — thinking it will help you feel better — will usually end up a mess. If neither of you are able to make yourselves happy – how can you help anyone else?

3. Stop doing things to please your partner trying to make them love you more.

If you are doing things trying to please your partner to get them to notice and appreciate you, I guarantee they will notice the strings attached. As much as it can be tempting to think this will earn us love – instead it will usually earn disrespect.

4. Stop expecting your partner to love you more because you are tired or sick.

Let’s face it, hanging around a sick and tired person isn’t that much fun. If you are unwell perhaps it’s time for some self care and to spend some time resting and recharging on your own. Even if you are ill I dare you to dig deep and find that ray of sunshine in yourself. It may be just what is needed for you to get well 🙂

 5. Stop making threats, ultimatums and demands.

These escalate the fights and engender resentment not love

Things to Remember

1. Remember trust takes time to build. 

Bad feelings pass and so it is best if we can avoid letting a bad mood or feelings destroy trust. Take time out and do what you can to help yourself. 

2. When angry, remember to write down what made you mad and then go and cool off. 

This doesn’t mean stewing on it. Write it down and then go find your own happiness again from within yourself. If you think you need your partner to love you before you can feel happy – this is the exact time you need to dig deeper within yourself. 

The biggest change that I made in our marriage was deciding that my happiness was no longer going to be tied to Steve. This is the hardest step to get a grip on but the fastest way to see things improve. It doesn’t mean letting people get away with disrespecting you – instead of staying angry you need boundaries for that instead. 

In the meantime use your magic scissors and drop it and look for that sometimes hard to find but ever present ray of sunshine in yourself.

If your partner wants to stay mad so be it. Leave them to it and you go and do something calming and joyful instead.

3. Remember to set boundaries. 

This does not mean making threats, ultimatums or demands.

This needs to come as early as possible the next time the behavior that made you angry happens again. One warning and then action is the rule. This might be as simple as, “If you cannot speak to me respectfully I will be eating my dinner out on the porch”. Or as consequential as, “If you will not talk reasonably to me about our shared finances – I will need to get someone at the bank to help separate our accounts.”  Either way you are not asking them to change – simply stating what direct action you will take if they do not respect the line you draw.

This action should never be something that will impact on you more than it will impact on them. It should also be about protecting yourself and your assets rather than being a threat. This can get confusing and so I want to make this clear. If someone is threatening you physically then you need to let them know that if they do not stop you will call the police. Not to punish them or threaten them but simply to get them to stop. In this case you can say something like, “I don’t know how to deal with you when you are like this, “Please I need you to stop threatening me or I don’t know what else I can do but get the police here to protect me and the kids.”

Boundary setting needs to begin as soon as the unwelcome behaviour starts. Do not wait until the heat of a fight. Once things have escalated, rather than setting boundaries it is better you leave and make yourself safe.

You should also never use the threat of leaving to set boundaries.

Here are a few more scripts . . .

4. Remember to be respectful yourself.

Just like we need to remember with our children, it is important to address the behavior and not the character of the person you are setting a boundary with. You can say, “I love you and intend on standing by you, but I am not going to listen to any more of this kind of talk tonight.”    

Or

“Just because you feel bad doesn’t give you the right to criticise us. If you drop your false pride and admit you are scared – I will always stand by you, but until then I am not going to allow you to hurt us any longer. If that continues I will be calling in help.”

Or

5. Remember to take time to put yourself in their shoes without trying to solve their problems.

EG. “I know work is stressful for you right now and I hope you can figure out soon how you will get through.”

Or

“I see that you are angry and me and I hope we can sort that out – but I am not going to continue talking to you if you are going to keep yelling at me.”

6. Accept that sometimes people you love will be angry at you and remember that sometimes you need to let that be okay.

Is your partner angry about a boundary you set? Get on with your life and don’t argue the toss. They will come around in time. Again you need scripts to stick to such as, “I am sorry that upset you – but it is something I had to do for myself.”

All of these examples of scripts are how to end conversations rather than get into an argument or fight. This leads to the most important rule of all . . .

7. Remember not to try and drag your partner into an argument or conversation to sort things out and make you feel better. 

The truth is that if you are an adult, your happiness should be your own  responsibility. If you don’t like something someone is doing, write it down and wait until you are calm and in a good frame of mind to decide what action you need to take. Then, if after the courtesy of one warning the same thing happens again, go ahead and do what you have said you are going to do. 

Talking things over to try and find a point of agreement is much easier if you have already made it clear what you are and are not willing to accept. 

You cannot find happiness in promises or words. If you or your partner are in a place where you are not at your best you need to give each other space to deal with your own negative emotions yourselves. 

Needing someone to cheer me up when I was upset never worked. It was a tough decision that I needed to grow out of this – but one of the best decisions I have ever made.