Continued from What Success Looks Like
When Magic Scissors Don’t Work
I can’t tell you the number of people who thank me for sharing the idea of magic scissors with them. (You can read about this concept and self soothing in Back From the Looking Glass.)
Now and then however I come across a person who can’t make their magic scissors work. Every time their spouse is disrespectful or unkind or their efforts to get their attention or sympathy don’t work . . . they fall apart and can’t find a place of self care to put things back together again.”
I don’t doubt the pain these people are feeling at the time; but I do want to make it clear that this drama is something we create in ourselves.
And because we create it we can also make the decision for it to stop.
To highlight this I want to share an imaginary example;
I am sitting talking to a woman named Sally who has caught her husband flirting online. She is crying and tearing herself to pieces over this and giving a hundred reasons why she can’t self soothe and pull herself together on her own.
“I can’t help it” Sally says as she wails and cries some more.
I say, “But Sally your kids are all sad and hungry and need you to be stronger than this!”
“I can’t help it”, Sally says and continues to cry and wail.
I say, “But Sally you are hurting yourself and this stress is no good for your heart. The doctor warned you about this, really you must stop!”
“I can’t help it”, Sally says and continues to cry and wail.
I say, “But Sally you are losing your family and friends respect carrying on in this way and besides, you being upset is not going to soften his heart!”
“I can’t help it”, Sally says and continues to cry and wail.
The next minute there is a noise out front and Sally sees a tow truck about to tow her car away. There are news cameras too and she has no idea what is going on.
Suddenly Sally stops crying, dries her eyes and rushes out to tell them to stop and that they have made a mistake.
I say, “But Sally but what about your husband flirting?”
Sally says, “I can’t worry about that now I have to stop them towing my car away!”
———–
Next, I want you to imagine you are still at school.
A teacher called Mr Edwards calls you in after class to talk to you about your bad grades.
When everyone else leaves the room he starts crying and wailing and asking how you could possibly hurt him the way you have by not paying attention in his class. “You should be looking at me”, he wails, “but even today you were talking to the person next to you instead!”
I wonder how you would feel in this situation? Would it encourage you to want to do better in Mr Edwards class?
If your relationship is filled with emotional drama, you need to consider very carefully what you are trying to achieve with this. Because the truth is that trying to get someone to feel for you by being sick or upset is a losing battle that might even cost you your life!
Trying to make someone feel bad that they don’t have more empathy for you (to try and squeeze more love out of them than they really feel for you) is not that different than people who use anger to try and force their will.
They too will say they can’t help getting angry, but strangely they will never get angry with people who are bigger or stronger than them or in situations where it might cost them their job.
Whether you are trying to make someone feel bad because they have hurt or disappointed you; beating yourself up saying you are stupid or no goo; or using anger to try and force your will—all of this is learned behaviour. No matter how natural it feels it is also behaviour you can learn to stop.
Next time you are feeling torn apart by your relationship drama I want you to stop and ask yourself this;
Do I really need to keep doing this to myself or could I just stop and be kind to myself?”
Because really Sally could pull herself together it was just a matter of how much was at stake.
The problem is deep down Sally believed that by crying, somehow she would eventually convince enough people that her husband Joe was hurting her and they would all help her to soften Joe’s heart.
But Sally is wrong about this and the truth is there is more at stake than she knows.
Joe isn’t impressed by her crying and complaining any more than she is impressed by his flirting online. And making herself sick by being distraught is impressing him even less.
Sally might claim that this makes him callous and cruel—but everyone’s empathy is selective—and from where Joe sits he has had enough.
I wonder what it will take for Sally to see this and how bad things will need to get before she wakes up?
—For me, it took my mother telling me I was neglecting my kids.
——————————————————-
This is the last of my three introductory stories.
There are skills we offer that will give you more power and authority in your home life—but you need to claim back emotional self-control first.
Dig deep and find the self-respect and self-love that you need to soothe yourself—or nothing else we offer is going to help!
Let your Magic scissors do their job.
Kim Cooper
Note: Making the decision to let go of our emotional drama is always difficult. Choosing to detach and calm ourselves and self soothe is a step that requires self-discipline and a throat large enough to swallow our pride!
However, when we finally see that this drama is not going to accomplish anything, except to push people away from us, most of us can make the decision to stop.
However, if you are suffering from PTSD or have other emotional baggage that you feel is really making this step impossible, we have a new team member; Dallas Fell – who is offering one on one video sessions using powerful tools (from the cutting edge of modern psychology and brain science) that will help you move past these old patterns fast.
To check out Dallas’s Baggage Dumper package, please visit the page here . . .
Or for instant help in recognising these unhealthy patterns in yourself check out 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence which includes an audio tutorial on self-soothing.
Thanks, Kim
It’s good to read something to help you if you fall off the tracks in your efforts to become calmer and more disciplined. It’s important to go back to your original plan and get rid of unnecessary drama and direct your energy where it really matters.
Thanks Maja 🙂 Realising that you are in control of the drama and emotional pain is very liberating. I used to be the worst at “doing a number on myself” but now my trust in myself not to take that path has improved.
I liked your story about Sally. It shows how you can change your mind instantly given the right circumstances so you can change your mind anytime. I too find sometimes magic scissors don’t work. When he sees that I am not bothered, it seems to make him more upset and he will continue provoking me until I crack. Usually our fights happen around the same time I am trying to go to bed and I am tired. If I don’t feel like getting into a heated discussion and tell him, ‘let’s talk about this tomorrow’ he will just follow me to bed and say really hurtful things as I am trying to ignore him. He used to break my things to get me to react when I tried ignoring him. It worked, that action of his would get me upset. The last time he did that, though, I calmly told him what he was doing was illegal because he was destroying someone else’s property and he could get in trouble. That was a couple of months ago so I hope he is done destroying my things! Anyway, I guess I am just wondering what your advice is if he is provoking me, it’s late at night and I am tired and want rest for work in the morning, and I don’t have a car to just leave for 10-15 minutes and it’s winter so it’s too cold or rainy to go for a walk…
Hi Jessica, Yes this can be a problem.
The first thing I suggest is that you start really early with this as soon as the conversation takes a wrong turn. This might take some thought on your part to remember how these kind of conversations start.
The sooner you can buy out of the conversation the less emotional it will have become.
What you said about breaking your stuff was perfect. You need to be able to make it clear that you are saying no and that he needs to stop. Sometimes with Steve I would say to him; “I am not up to this right now and I have asked you to stop. Do I need to call the emergency mental health team here to explain to you why you need to listen when someone asks for space?”
He would say, “Are you accusing me of being crazy?”
And I would say, “No it is me who is danger of having a breakdown right now if you don’t allow me some space.”
That would confuse him but it would also make him think twice about what he was doing because by then he was never sure who I might actually call! With magic scissors you need to be out of danger first. If someone is there provoking you that is time for setting boundaries and limiting the abuse!
I just want to say Thanks, Kim. Through your writings I finally came to understand manipulation and what it is and how to not do it and how to recognize it in other people and have some good practice in just saying no when someone is trying to use it. Our house is much calmer now. I do have a son who seems to be naturally dramatic and emotional, and I could use a primer on distinguishing emotional displays that warrant compassion from emotional displays that are more manipulative? Or is that not a good question? How do we curb a tendency to manipulation in our children? It is hard for me to know when to respond with empathy for him, and when to respond with toughness. Like, say, when it’s time to do his math and he falls apart (he’s good at math but doesn’t like it that much).
We teach our kids the most by what we model in our homes. One thing I used to say to the kids is, “My help is cheap but not free and my prices are going up soon – so if you want something you better ask nicely!”
Falling apart at homework time however sounds like a ruse unless there was something else he was really looking forward to doing!
My wife uses anger to control me. Tonight (U.S. central time) she told me its over. Not sure how much more I can take, trying to hang in there for the kids. She sent a nude pic to the neighbor last year and I told her I’m not cool with her hanging out over there when they have parties. That is why she is mad and telling me the marriage is over. Anyhow the 10 steps is helping me keep my emotions calm. I used to cry and get depressed but now I am stronger. Still hurts but Im really glad to have these tools. I very much look forward to your emails with all the helpful info.
Hey Rob – Sorry to hear the situation you are in, but hang in there and keep working through the steps.
I have working on using your guidelines and recommendations over the past week and it has worked for the most part in making me feel better about myself in various ways. There have been minor set backs but change doesn’t happen over night. Takes time to build new habits.
My issue now lies with times I feel my husband is showing narcissistic behavior towards our children. There have been times I’ve felt I needed to try and step in to act as a buffer bc I see how his behavior affects them. He always starts in on me. Even if he calms the situation with them later, you can’t erase what already Happened. Now I can learn to handle reactions to situations involving me, but how do I handle sitautions arising from his bagevior towards the kids without getting into arguments with him and him redirecting his anger towards me in front of the kids.
Hi Amanda 🙂 Please check out the chapter on Limiting Abuse in The Love Safety Net Workbook. You need scripts for regular situations that come up and you need to be prepared.
A really sneaky one is to walk in and say, “Okay who wants icecream? Last one in the car is a rotten egg!” Then when all the kids have run off and ignored him you can lay down the law before you walk out too.
You need to think through all of the situations where you feel abuse is happening on a regular basis and you need to really start making a plan of how you are going to deal with it next time or who you are going to warn them that you will need to call in and help.
“Now I can learn to handle reactions to situations involving me, but how do I handle sitautions arising from his behaviour towards the kids without getting into arguments with him and him redirecting his anger towards me in front of the kids”.
I have exactly the same question. I’ve just scoured the internet to try and find a solution to this difficult situation. Hoping someone can help me.
Sorry I was slow on that Shauna and Welcome 🙂 This is not an easy situation and my answer is above. I used to throw myself in the middle of Steve and my eldest boy all the time – but over the years the wounds have healed as things have improved.
There is also a method using scissors which is to cut the attachment cords. You can either do it using a drawing or using guided meditation. I’ve done it already and it worked. It is not about leaving the other person or stop the love you have for her/him but it’s about cutting the conscious and unconscious negative cords between you and your partner. It will help you being detached and then be more assertive to handle their bad behaviour. It also helps to stop obsessing about him/her.
My challenge has not been to make drama, but to be completely quiet in situations that are difficult. In some situations, I have tried to argue and get through my views, but my husband is much better at argument than me and I can not match him. He always turns the situation so I’m unsure if it’s all my fault.
Sometimes he becomes furious if I don’t answer. He accelerates. If I try to leave the room, he can say, “You dare not to leave me!” If I cry silently, he gets angry. In such situations provokes all I am and do. Then I feel like I’m in prison in my own body. The only thing that helps is to disappear into myself. I have PTSD and have high bodily activation mostly all the time.
I laughed when I read what you answered Steve when he would not give you some space. Here in my world it’s almost unthinkable that I should be able to talk like this to my husband. But I’m learning! Hopefully I will be stronger so I can dare to take such fights. 🙂