Whether you have been following my work for many years, or you are new here and just getting started; today I want to introduce a few ideas that I hope will make your journey into the world of emotional intelligence a little faster and easier.
I have mentored many people now over the years who want to improve their family life. I have noticed differences in people who learn the people skills I teach quickly and others who work on our advice for years and, never really change the dynamic of their home life.
That is why I have taken the time to write three introductory articles about this that will hopefully help remove any roadblocks to your success.
Move Into the Fast Learners Zone
The first step is to move out of a results-driven focus and to instead to start learning from the experience.
Despite progress in their own lives we often hear people say, “But he still won’t sit down and plan with me”, or even more common, “I want to try—but I just don’t see how it’s possible that things are ever going to change.”
This kind of mindset makes learning new relationship skills (including boundary setting) very difficult. Learning what we offer will require you to stop intellectualising and instead start experiencing the process in the moment.
So let’s break this down and let me give you an example . . .
On two separate days, your husband or wife comes home from work angry; on the first, you get drawn into an argument and before you know it their bad mood is being blamed on you. You know this is not the truth because you felt fine when they walked in the door and it was obvious they were already angry about getting caught in traffic.
The second day instead of getting drawn into a fight—you use our advice and leave them alone to process their negative feelings on their own. You might say something sympathetic such as, “Wow it looks like you had a tough day!” but then say something like, “I have some work to finish off, I will talk to you later when you are ready to have dinner.”
The person whose mind needs to intellectualise things will say, “but how is that going to change anything? I want my partner to be glad to see me, I don’t want to have to avoid them?”
Meanwhile, the person who is good at experiencing the process will learn a lot from this exercise. Instead of intellectualising, they will try it and soon realise they do not have to get drawn into their partner’s ugly moods if they choose not to. This new way of responding will feel strange at first but soon they will get a sense of freedom from going with the process. Feeling less responsible for having to make their partner happy will make them feel freer and more in control of their own plans for the evening. Having their own work and goals as a new focus will help them start to experience a greater sense of self-esteem.
Their partner may still storm off and say, “Well if you are not going to talk to me I’m going out!” when this is what they would have done anyway.
The results-driven mind in this situation will say, “Look nothing changed, this exercise isn’t working. Here I am alone and miserable again, please help me figure out what to say that will make my partner feel bad about what they are doing and want to come home”.
The fast learner—on the other hand—will say, “Wow look how I avoided getting caught up in a fight this time and how much better I feel about myself because of that.”
This will help give this person the confidence to disengage the next time their partner is not only looking for an excuse to go out but is genuinely on the warpath looking to pick a fight to justify some misdeed or mistake they have made.
Instead of getting drawn into World War 500 and becoming a scapegoat for their partner’s downward spiral, they will sidestep the trap and not get knocked off balance.
The results-driven mind will say, “but look he is still trying to pick fights and blame his mistakes on me!”.
While the fast learner will say, “Wow I didn’t get drawn in that time, look at how much stronger I am becoming.”
Put Down the Perfect Picture You Are Carrying
Most important of all, the results-driven mind will keep pushing for its own agenda. The perfect picture they are carrying in their mind that they want their family to fit into.
The fast learner instead will start realising that their response can change the outcome for themselves dramatically. Their husband may still find excuses to walk out them now and then—but by now they are using ‘magic scissors’ (described in Back From the Looking Glass), working on their own goals and projects and not ruminating about what they should say to their partner next.
This leaves more freedom to live in the moment and when the time comes to talk to their partner again they will be more open to hearing (and seeing) their partner’s truth.
Maybe the picture they once had in their mind didn’t have much to do with the reality of who their partner really is.
Maybe he was not out with anyone but was visiting his parents, or maybe it was not another woman he was with and he was out on the street selling drugs.
By now the fast learner is starting to have the confidence to make choices based on reality and not on the imaginary picture. Even if he was out with another woman or even selling drugs (our second example), she starts being able to make real choices.
– Will she find a way to get him to walk away and forget her so she can move on?
– Will she toughen up and start to enjoy playing the role of a gangster’s wife?
– Or will she become a lion tamer and domesticate her gangster mate?
All of these outcomes depend on her watching and learning more about who she’s really married to—while her power to choose what she will and will not engage in becomes stronger and—in time—give her more influence.
She will never have a hope of taming a cheating spouse or gangster husband as long as she is using emotional manipulation trying to fit him into a fairy tale picture of what she wants.
Relationships just don’t work like that.
Fairy Tale or Family?
People look at Steve sometimes and imagine that now he is prince charming. But that’s not it and I am far from the perfect wife. He still does things that anger and annoy me and we still have trouble making plans together sometimes that we agree on. He is not the partner I once imagined would carry me off into the sunset—and I dare say neither am I.
But we are family and even when we argue we know that eventually, we will come to a better solution together than we would have each come up with on our own. These days I am also much clearer about why we argue and don’t let fights ‘break their banks’ and contaminate other areas of our life.
In the end, you need to decide if what you want is a fairy tale romance or to learn to live peacefully and productively with someone.
If you need a hint, the fairy tale romance is an illusion anyway and so I am not one bit unhappy about the choice I have made.
This doesn’t mean you need to accept living with someone who exploits and disrespects you—but that has more to do with your own skill at handling yourself than you can probably imagine right now.
Learning to Love Usually Means Toughening Up
There is not a school on the planet where the kids never bully each other. Yet some kids get bullied and others don’t.
Once you grasp that your destiny in romance really is in your own hands, fast learners will hop in, focus and take responsibility for learning these new skills.
If you don’t trust that I have skills to help improve your family life—don’t learn from me.
If you do, then jump on board and go with the process and see how these new ways of reacting make you feel about yourself.
This will include you needing to learn to handle some unpleasant feelings as well, such as vulnerability and uncertainty.
Because if you cannot toughen up to learn how to handle a little more of these, you will never have a satisfying relationship with anyone.
Back to our previous example . . .
So you dodged the fight and he’s stormed out anyway. Is he with someone else right now? Who knows? The more important question is, are you going to spend your whole night letting your vulnerability and uncertainty twist your heart in two?
I wonder if instead, you can learn to say, “Well if he is, I am not going to waste my night worrying about it – I may not know the truth for a while yet – but if I just look after my own interests I am sure the truth will come out soon.”
Then use your magic scissors and get on with your night.
Because true happiness is something you can only decide to give yourself.
Your partner may not notice these changes in you overnight, but by the time they do, your experience of yourself will have changed so dramatically you will be able to just smile and say, “Thank you darling—yes I’ve noticed that too.”
In the next article in this series, I will share what success looks like when you stop being goal-oriented.
Part 2 – What is Success?
Great piece Kim, will definitely work on my ability to Focus. Great to view things from another perspective, and just when I have started to practice Yoga every morning, perfect timing! Anyone reading this I started taking Kim’s advice 2 years ago, she helped save my family.
Great to hear it Steph 🙂 Yoga is a great practice for tuning into yourself in a really focused way!
This reading helped me so much to focus on me. I used to send scriptures, clippings to him regarding how a marriage should be. How his secrecy about finances and hiding money affected me. I focused so much in the hurt I felt being controlled financially. Not having access. I now focus in his I could make changes in myself.
Hi Alva, Yes it is shifting focus away from the hurt, that is key here 🙂
This was a great article Kim. My husband & I have been separated for some time now but we still keep in touch. I have been practicing some of these tactics but I still find he can manipulate me. Although we talk about getting back together, the reality is he frightens me & I end up avoiding the subject. Chicken me! He has been violent on occasions & whenever another woman dies from domestic violence I can’t help but feel that could be me. Perhaps I’m on the wrong track but it’s hard to trust again.
Hey Pam if you are happy and safe where you are now that is great. You need to trust your instincts about your safety. Our program is about YOU learning better relationships skills – which includes you setting boundaries and developing better instincts about trusting people. Not everyone who learns these new habits will save their marriage – some marriages need to end for there to be healing. The problem is that without learning these skills a marriage ending often makes things worse and not better. So the question for me is do you feel that you have grown and healed? If so you are exactly where you should be!
I love this! It puts a new spin on things. Yes, its true. Many times when I think of a new strategy I hang my shoulders and ‘predict’ how it will end, and I just don’t bother. I will start focussing on the process.
Yes that is perfect Jay – focusing on the process. I need to take my own advice with this in regard to exercise – I want results right away and that ends up discouraging me from sticking with it!!! If instead I focused on the small improvements along the way and how exercise makes me feel so much better and stronger I think I would do better at sticking with it!
Spot on with this article. You too have grown in your ability to provide really strong examples and metaphores to those of us who struggle with over-thinking. (Mea culpa )
Tnanks MFRS, that means a lot to me 🙂
It is sometimes difficult for me to explain my journey in a way that helps other people, because when I discovered these things for myself no one was leading the way and so for me it was always a process of discovery. I had no idea that Steve would change – I just realized that Steve’s heart wasn’t going to soften and that I had to try.
I also finally saw that if I didn’t start standing up for myself no one was ever going to come save me.
Changing my focus away from my relationship and onto my own journey out of hell came from necessity more than it did from wisdom or courage. I only got to that place once I didn’t have money to buy food for me and the kids a lot of the time.
We can be hurt and sad forever – but that won’t change anything. It was only when I decided not to let him hurt me anymore and became determined instead (and ready to focus on my own game) that I started to find a way out of the nightmare I had been living in.
Maybe he will change and maybe he won’t – you can’t control that. Determining to end the hurt and find your way is the main objective here.
Yes.. I am drawing my lines to protect my heart..but also send my husband an emails when he hurts me (since you can’t talk to him without him turning it on you) to not just let him know how that hurt me, but I would not be a fixer anymore or go back to the way things were. With that said..he still controls all the money and I am working on trying to figure out how to get a job without a vehicle in a remote place. Our vehicle has serious unsafe issues…that only he..as a mechanic will drive. If something goes wrong..he can handle it. All other money is going into his dream, rebuilding properties.
Hey Rose – You hang in there, make sure you work through the steps in our books, read them all and get an overview first and then start one step at a time.
I agree with most of what I read. My husband has left for the third time. While I love my husband, there is a sense of peace and calm in his absence. I am stronger and healthier this time around. Yes, I agree it is time to take care of myself. To heal and grow stronger and detach more and more emotionally from him. While it is very sad and hurts,
our family is healthier in the long run. I cannot control my husband. God is in control of this on going situation and I trust in Him to take care of my family and I.
Hi Kim
I am so impressed by your own experience and the practical suggestions you give. Now,
I know for sure that I am not mad. I really and sincerely wish that I had come across your website before I left my husband. I have such a strong desire to go back and apply what you said.
Nobody helped me to understand that my husband is a NPĎ sufferer but I knew very well that he was suffering from something but I had no idea what ..
Thank you for your insight.
Hi Mariko and welcome 🙂 The most important thing is that you learn to see your own unhealthy patterns and start to move towards a healthier way of relating. Look to the future and not the past!
I see that I am definitely results-driven and fairy tale focused! We are divorced and working to possibly restore our marriage, but I want guarantees that if I go back all will be well and we will skip hand-in-hand through the rest of our years with no problems. Thanks for the wake-up call, Kim!
When I read the quote ” learning to love usually means toughening up”, I felt – “yepp – thats me!” It’s now six months since “the light was turned on” and I realized that the single factors that I’ve been struggling with in my marriage are connected to my husbands narcissism and my bad ways to coping with it. Before March 2017, I had never heard or read anything about narcissism. It was a whole new term for me. For a few weeks I felt like I was living in a black hole. What I read about narcissism made me sick. But then I came to a point where I thought that I would either stay in the hole, or I could take some new grip and stand up for myself. I carry a lot of sadness on the inside, but I can not live the rest of my life in sadness. One day I came across “the love safety net” on facebook and started reading about Kim’s experiences. It gave me hope. Even though today I do not think there are great chances that my husband will change his behavior, I have great hope that I myself will be tougher and stronger to live a good life anyway.
When I read that “learning to love usually means toughening up” I thought that “yes – that’s me!” It is now about six months since “the light was turned on” and I realized that those parts of my marriage that have been so difficult to deal with are related to my husband’s narcissism and that I have not handled this so well.
For a few weeks after this new understanding I felt like I was living in a black hole. What I read about narcissism made me sick. But then I came to a point where I thought that I would either stay in this hole, or I could take some grip and stand up for myself. I carry a lot of sadness on the inside, but I can not live the rest of my life in sadness. One day I suddenly came across “the love safety net” on facebook and started reading about Kim’s experiences. It gave me hope. Even though today I do not think there are great chances that my husband will change his behavior, I have great hope that I myself will be tougher and stronger to live a good life anyway.
Part of your last sentence says, “stop being goal oriented.” I totally agree! I’ve been in this process for 1 year now and just found your website. To my surprise at the beginning of my healing, I went from being a very goal oriented woman (big planner, did everything I could to get the desired outcome, etc) to a woman that literally had no agenda, other than to heal and take care of my kids. I cleared my calendar, bought tons of books on the subjects of boundaries, emotional/verbal abuse, & narcissism. I spent my days in endless prayer, crying (grieving big time!!!), education on our condition, & self-care. I was on no timeline!!! As I look back on my year, I’m amazed that I did not check my calendar daily/hourly to see if I was making progress! I lived in the moment, learned through counseling (an abuse counselor, not marriage counselor) how to be mindful and how to process what me and my family had endured for so many years. My entire focus was on myself. Again, that was totally odd too, b/c I am a people pleaser but for the past year, I’ve learned that my healing was of paramount importance first! Now I’m seeking counseling for my children and educating myself on the best way to help them through this process. I don’t know how long this process will take but b/c I am now living in the moment (no longer striving, no longer trying to just survive!) I am content and so grateful God revealed all of this to me as He covered me with His constant presence.
Thank you Kim. At last I have access today. I have been reading your book , “Back from the looking glass” and practising the strategies. I am focussing on myself and my children. Have been using the scissors to cut off. Mindfulness, prayers and journaling are helping. I have not been getting sucked into arguments and have walked out when he raises his voice to intimidate me. Have been standing up for myself and my children. But for some time now, he has not been talking to us, unless we say something and it is usually short answers only. But outside our home he is the perfect loving man. A true Dr Jekyll and My Hyde. I am also sorting out my finacials so that I am secure and getting legal advise.
Thank you for this Kim. I am sure your commitment towards couples growing in maturity and being healthier in their well-being is paying off for those that engage in your work.
Just reading the introduction alone makes me recognise how dysfunctional I am myself, how I need to literally ‘grow up’ and how I need to adjust my lense towards what the facets are of a strong family unit. This is all very unfamiliar!
Not having witnessed any of these positive influences as a child I have realised to a certain degree how I have been living in denial in my approach of trying to live with my wife.
Ironically I teach mindfulness to my own clients but recently the penny has really dropped in terms of my own attempts of being in the ‘here and now’. It is like I said very unfamiliar but very relaxing, spiritual and liberating.
Thanks for all that you do Kim. It is a tremendous help.