Making Supportive Connections

When I was a child you would always find me sitting and watching the other kids play from the sidelines. I didn’t feel left out, but instead very happy to sit watching. When eventually the teachers forced me to join in, I was lost and completely terrified.

What were the rules and how was I to learn? It took years for me to figure out that in the playground there was no game or rules and instead the other kids were all just improvising.

I was stunned. How could they all know how to do that when I was terrified and didn’t have a clue? I wished there was a rule book so I could figure out what I was doing wrong that made it so hard for me to ‘fit in’.

Years later I met a brilliant man who became my friend and business mentor who taught me the rules toward making supportive connections, a few of which I want to share with you today.

I will pass these on just the same as he taught me, and so today we are going to talk about games;

Game One = Your current family and friends.

Game Two = A new group of people you would like to meet and spend time with.

Games Three Four and Five = Further groups you may want to join later after you have successfully entered ‘Game Two’.

The next concept you need to understand to grasp the basics of social rules is ‘The Hierarchy.’

The Hierarchy

– Umpire
– Game Maker
– Game Destroyer
– Player
– Assistant Player
– Piece
– Broken Piece

In reality there are probably limitless levels to the hierarchy – but the levels above will serve our purposes here.

Ignore that this list might sound like a sports team, the truth is you will find umpires and players in any group, and all groups are divided into hierarchies.

For instance in a school, the umpire would be the principle or headmaster; the players the teachers; and the pieces the students. Game makers might be administrators or staff working on new programs, policies and curriculum and game destroyers administration staff put in place to downsize operations or lay off staff.  The broken pieces would be misfit students or ones who are often in trouble.

There are all kinds of groups, not all of them institutions and not all with the same levels. What is important to understand is that . . .

1. Entering as a piece or broken piece won’t do;  to truly be accepted as a part of a new game, you will need to enter as at least an assistant player.

Some of the easiest groups to join are churches and community action groups which tend to open their doors to everyone. The trouble is that you will be walking in the door as a ‘piece’ or worse, if you talk about your problems you will be considered a ‘broken piece’.

This does not rule these groups out – but it should give you food for thought. Can you help a friend who leads the choir? Or perhaps you can offer your services at a discount or no charge to the local community group you are interested in joining?

Game Two might be an interest group, sporting club (or team) or others you share a goal or hobby with. Whatever you choose, it is important you plan your strategy before entering the new game you have chosen to meet new and supportive people.

Some people may object to me calling these games, but there is an important reason for this which is  . . .

2. When you join the group, play the game and join in the activity at hand.

If you have been following my blog lately you may remember me talking about the three styles of attachment people use to make friends? ‘Moving towards’ is definitely the most successful of the three and this is all about joining in the activity at hand.

So even if this hasn’t been your style in the past – why not practice something that might work better instead? If you join the groups activities and don’t attract unnecessary attention to yourself, before long you will find others who will reach out and make you feel you belong.

3. Don’t expect the people in Game One in your life to be excited for you or help you enter Game Two.

The people close to you may be jealous and scared of losing you and so it is important that you reassure them that you love them, make it clear when you will be home, and if appropriate even invite them to come along. Do not ask them to support your confidence or help you get ready while you make plans to enter Game Two. That is something you need to either do on your own or with the support of someone who is already in that game.

This will take some thought and planning, but it will help you in ways you can’t even guess at now. Having a few ‘games’ you belong to in your community with build your confidence, and in a very quiet way your personal power and strength too.

Kim Cooper

PS. For more tips like these on ‘the rules’ for finding your way in social situations, check out my very colorful and simply laid out ebook: The Little Book of Empathy Love and Friendship.