If you have begun trying some of the ideas offered in the previous articles in this series, you may find your partner does stop verbally abusing you, only to shift to a different type of anti-social behaviour.
A common one of these is sulking, which will sometimes be dished out as a kind of punishment for you standing up for yourself.
The Big Ugly Octopus
I always imagine a person sulking as a kind of giant invisible octopus which is very heavy and dark and that slowly fills the house with invisible thick yucky ooze. The tentacles of this octopus want to grab you and slowly pull you in and hold you firmly by their side; forcing you to watch them ignore you.
Maybe that sounds weird and a bit dramatic, but that’s exactly how I see it. It is unfair on octopus, however, as they actually run away from people and are pretty clean (and amazing), where the sulking person isn’t amazing at all!
Remember me saying emotions are contagious? Sulking is a form of passive aggression and this repressed anger can somehow pollute the environment even more than when this person was being verbally abusive.
I remember times when after 4 or 5 days of Steve sulking I would prefer he just got angry.
The atmosphere in the house when someone is sulking is heavy and depressing with a sense of foreboding and humiliation. It really stinks to be around!
This feeling of humiliation and foreboding come from the fact the sulking person doesn’t know how to deal with their anger.
Why Are they Angry?
If you have been working through this series, one of the reasons they may be angry is because you put them in their place or blocked them putting you down. They fear releasing this anger, because in the past (maybe from their childhood) how they have dealt with their anger at authority figures (which you are now becoming) has left them humiliated and feeling ashamed of themselves.
On an unconscious level they are trying to provoke you to get the fight they need to get their anger out, while still being able to blame it on you. They are like a pressure cooker filled with anger that needs you to be the release valve, because they don’t know how to deal with their anger themselves.
For this reason, sometimes the fastest way to end someone sulking is to blow up and get mad at them. I don’t think this solution is ideal, and of course there are better solutions, but it is a tactic that can actually avert a worse fight if nothing else comes to hand.
Pirate Voice
Say my son is sulking angrily because he didn’t get his way about something but the pressure is on us as we need to get out the door/on a plane etc. In this situation there is no time to use better strategies as we are physically needing his assistance and compliance and a quick solution is needed
So what to do?
The idea that follows comes from Steve Biddhuph’s wonderful book “The Secret of Happy Children” and I love it when I get this right . . .
The plan is to get angry early, while you can still make a good show of it and you are still in control of yourself.
I sometimes like using a pirate voice for this and even sometimes call this technique, “pirate voice”.
This is not the same as losing your temper (which I admit I am still guilty of sometimes). Instead it comes with a sense of theater and control that will surprise the person you direct it at. It is as if the pressure has been let off but you have almost made them laugh and smile in the same moment.
“If you think you are going to get away with mutiny right now – I will have you hung drawn and quartered and still make you walk the plank!”
If this is said with true anger and a full head of steam but just the slightest hint of smile on your face (like you are truly enjoying yourself) all the better. Kids usually respond to this kind of show very well. They think “Wow she’s tough (and pretty cool!).” It will usually get a bit of a smile even while they are still trying to stay mad at you.
Pirate Voice for Adults
Adults can respond well to this too but may need longer to swallow their false pride; so a surprise eruption and then leaving them a bit of time on their own may work better.
“Your sulking is stinking this place up so bad I can’t see straight. If you pull yourself out of your fug by the time I get back – I might decide to share my ice cream with you! If not I might call and arrange to have you and your bad attitude hauled to the dumped.”
If you think I mean saying this ‘nicey nicey’ you are wrong. . . you need to have fun with it but also make a good show of being truly angry!
Pirate voices may not always be suitable with adults but I hope I have given you the idea. Theatrical – with a surprise element and you totally in control of the ‘act’.
Even if you are not able to be so witty and in control, letting the anger come to the surface (as long as you feel safe and are not going to be drawn into an argument or fight) may quickly end a sulk. Steve and my kids are pretty familiar with this and are not too scared of my “I’ve had enough and you better watch out” short angry speeches.
My youngest son said once I am the dragon that rises from the bottom of the lake to end fights (by perhaps breathing fire?). He admits this was a strange thing to say, but at the time he was trying to figure out which Pokemon character each of us remind him of.
Get the Real Issue Out in the Open
This kind of theater may also be the time to put the spotlight on the real issue that has been avoided . . .
“It hurts me to see you flirt with everyone in the room as if I don’t exist. I don’t know why you are the one acting so put out – get over it!”
Or with me son,
“Stop acting like I am the bad guy. The person you are really angry with is yourself. It is time to stop sulking and get to your study. Failing your exams is only going to hurt yourself!”
A Few Words of Caution
Again it is probably best if you let the pressure off with this kind of out burst just before leaving the room or the house for awhile to let things cool off. Make sure you let your partner know where you are going and when you will be back. Don’t stay out all night or use the fight as an excuse to see other friends or go out drinking etc. This will only make matters worse.
These are ideas to think about, but really I can’t tell you what to do. You are the driver in charge of your life and not me. Only you can see the road ahead and only you know what you need. Choose your own words and only take advice I give if it feels right for you and you are ready to take full responsibility for the results.
I can’t see what you see through your eyes.
Untying the Knot
In the same way, the sulking person also needs to take responsibility for their own anger and unhappiness, but there is a catch 22 in this: they are showing clearly that they have a problem, but if you try and help them with it they will say you are interfering and resent you even more. This is because at the very heart of it, someone who regularly sulks has not fully individuated. Needing you to vent their anger for them makes them a child. Deep down they know this and feel embarrassed about it, but if they blow up in rebellion they know they will appear even more of a child than they already feel.
Sulking is kind of like being tied in a big angry knot.
So the real answer is not in releasing the anger. The sulking person needs to individuate and create better boundaries for themselves so they can interact in a more healthy way with the people around them.
– Does your partner’s bad behaviour embarrass you?
– Are you sometimes embarrassed about what your parents or children do or say?
These are signs that you too may see your identity mixed up with others and need to set yourself free. What other people do or say only reflects on themselves and not you. If you keep yourself nice, you are unlikely to be judged by any one else’s behaviour.
For this reason, I have written an article on identity and if you are dealing with a person who is sulking – a better option than getting mad may be to print out this article and leave it for them to read. It is at the heart of their double bind and so they might just take it in …
In this case without ‘interfering’ you could possibly say …
“I see that you are angry and I feel for you but I don’t really think I should involve myself in this because at this stage you don’t really look as if you want to talk. There is something here I liked however and that you might want to read if you feel up to it. I am going to go get some fresh air/sunshine/oranges/cherries/exercise and hope that later if you are feeling better, we might enjoy some time together.”
So in this way you show them that you care, offer something they can take or leave which they can do for themselves but otherwise you are not interfering.
The article I am suggesting for this is called “Identity is the Key“. Another article I enjoyed on happiness at home and at work which is shorter and simpler and may also work well for this is here;
Clean Up
The other very important thing about sulking is learning to ‘clean up’ both yourself and your environment if you have pick up this emotional contagion.
Please go back to Part 1 in this verbal abuse series and read the exercise once more about bringing back your own happiness. This is not a mental exercise that you can simply imagine while you read and then forget and expect it will help you. It is a breathing and visualisation exercise that you need to practice and remember to do when you need it. With a sulking person in your vicinity that will probably involve you needing to get away from them too, if only outside of the house or anywhere you can get some fresh air and/or sunshine.
Once you are feeling better, after doing this exercise, and you have your own natural happiness back you may want to tackle the environment around the sulk as well. Open up the windows, clean up any clutter, bring some fresh flowers into the house and put some peaceful and uplifting music on, all the while being vigilant that you don’t let their anger ‘infect’ you again.
Moving Forward
It may take a person who habitually sulks some time to bring their talents and skills out into the world. They may need to keep a journal of their life or have time to practice a musical instrument and most importantly this will need to be left to their own timing and speed while it is progressing. Don’t resent this time they spend away from you, even if the urge sometimes hits them at times that are inconvenient for you. It is these type of pursuits that will help them individuate and heal.
Next I will be dealing with some of the other defenses people habitually use when they are scared and avoiding intimacy, such as perfectionism, talking too much or the glazed-eyed arrogant ‘the lights are on but nobody is home’ look.
I have fallen into this situation many times and have tried to handle this in many different ways. My husband is not very good at identifying what he is feelings. He often will appear contrary. He seems angry and when you say, “are you angry?”,or” you seem angry”, he will more often than not, say, “no I am not”When he sulks, I am not sure if this is because he is angry, although he does become more agitated sometimes if I ignore his sulking. Sometimes, I think it is because he has a hard time apologizing. We do seem to have a problem resolving conflict when we are both upset. It seems to be that neither one of us agrees on who should apologize or when and if an apology is even necessary.We don’t know how to end a disagreement.I think some arguments require closure, especially if it is expressed that one or the other has crossed a boundary. I don’t ask my husband to apologize when he has hurt my feelings anymore, (this was not a sincere apology anyway,he clearly resented having to admit that he had said something that caused an argument to escalate.)This kind of leaves us at a stalemate. He will spend time alone making it harder and more awkward to begin talking again. I will go about doing things that I need to take care of.Connecting for him is a huge issue.I have taken your advice and gotten angry at his sulking,but he does seem to use me to get his emotions out a lot. He is not learning to take responsibility for his own emotions. How can I be helpful to him without seeming so?I am open to suggestions!
The best way for you to help him learn to regulate his emotions better is for you to set a good example yourself. As for getting closure after an argument over a boundary of yours being crossed – please remember that you do not set boundaries with words. What I mean is that if a boundary has been crossed about money etc. you need to take action to make sure that does not happen again (separate your accounts etc.) and not wait for an apology. The danger here is that after a fight many people long for the honeymoon making up stage of their partner apologizing and showing they are sorry by being accountable for what they have done – but longing for this is a big trap. After an argument it may take awhile for you to reform a connection and get rapport back – but bringing up what the argument was about is usually counter productive to that. Most of the time it is best if you can just let the matter go and wait until a few days later when you are calm and have rapport again before you let your partner know how you have decided to set a boundary so that situation does not arising again.
I know this is contrary to the idea of ‘good communication can solve everything’ but we do not agree with that idea. Some things like emotions need to be regulated on your own and boundaries are better set by actions and not words.
Once a solid boundary is in place that will usually also make it easier to forgive and forget as you won’t be having to police you partner about whether or not the same thing is going to happen again.
My husband tends to sulk if I do not talk about what he feels is a pressing matter. The other day he accused me again of flirting because of a comment a mutual male friend made on Facebook. My husband flew in to a rage saying the comment was sexual (which it wasn’t) and continued to blame me for it. Says I flirt too much, I am overly friendly. Told me to keep an arms length. I know my boundaries and I do keep an arms length. I have no interest what so ever in the person that made the comment. Since I cannot reason with him I shut down. I stop talking. If I do talk I do not say what he wants to hear so I do not talk. Now he is sulking as I will not “talk” to him,
I do not know how to have the conversation with him without him starting in on me. So I avoid it. I use some of the scripts and he gets more angry. I am not going to apologize to him for something I have not done. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Before you stop talking you might want to say something like, “I am not going to discuss anything with you as long as you continue shouting at me. If you want me to talk you will need to respect what I have to say.”
If this is such a big issue with him I wonder if he would agree to mediation on the subject? It sounds like he has some abandonment issues that need addressing.
I want to read the article “Identity is key”. Is it part of another program? I feel it would be greatly beneficial.
My mistake April – you should be able to access it now 🙂
Where can we access the “Identity is Key” article? having a hard time locating it…
https://narcissismcured.com/thelovesafetynet/identity-is-the-key/