The Power Taboo
Whether you admit it to yourself or not, at a subconscious level, humans are constantly scanning and assessing whether we have more or less status than the people around us. The pecking order is real.
Denying that we judge people this way won’t prevent us from abusing power; the more we are aware of these internal assessments, the more sensitive we will likely be to not abusing power in the hierarchies we live within.
People don’t like talking about personal power; it is one of the few taboos left in our society, but how much power and influence each of us wields plays a major role in verbal abuse.
Verbal abuse often occurs when a person uses a person lower in the pecking order to dump their stress and negative feelings on, often simply because they can get away with it.
No matter how personal this type of abuse might feel, it is probably not personal at all. The offender will be likely to dump on anyone they believe they can get away with.
Underlings as Emotional Dumpsters
Bosses and supervisors are sometimes guilty of this with their employees and parents with their children.
If you have kids, please stop and think about this. The next time you find yourself grilling your child about why they didn’t go to the bathroom before you left home when you are tired and grumpy, ask yourself, would I talk like this to someone my age or older?
Most of us are guilty of this at some point, if not with our children, then perhaps with a younger brother or sister or someone else in a position ‘below’ us.
Because of this, any attempt to avoid verbal abuse must start with you making some serious moves to improve your position in the pecking order.
This does not mean you need to become ruthless but move into a position of greater authority in your home or work environment. Once there, you will hopefully be able to set a better tone in how people are treated.
Are Positions of Power Allocated at Birth?
Don’t think your status is only about sex, race, money, or privilege.
Wealthy people spend time and money educating their children to conduct themselves in ways that will command respect, but many don’t, and many fail. Happily, there are skills that anyone can learn to improve their standing.
I will offer some practical scripts for countering verbal abuse soon, but first, let’s look at the factors affecting a person’s power within the hierarchy, why this causes fights, and how you can improve your standing …[private_silver level] [private_gold level]
The Basics
An individual’s power is based on how much money, energy and time a person has. You can increase all three of these areas in your life by focusing on some well-chosen goals and systematically improving your daily habits.
A few factors to consider;
- Your financial and emotional stability,
- How trustworthy you are,
- Your ability to clearly ask for what you need and expect from others.
- Your ability to put across your point of view without putting anyone down.
- Your addictions, including time and money-wasting habits.
There is also a lot of practical advice on becoming someone others have empathy for and who commands respect in my two short ebooks (with pictures) titled The Little Book of Empathy, Love and Friendship and Emotional Stupidity.
Because this will be a long article, I want to put all the scripts at the end, where you can find them easily when needed. But before we get to these, first, I want to add a little more about why a power imbalance causes fights . . .
Righting the Power Imbalance
Unlike the relentless and sometimes grinding abuse that disempowered/disenfranchised children/workers may face, spousal abuse is somewhat different and, on the surface, less easy to identify and understand.
Conflict between couples will sometimes arise when one partner is assumed to hold less power in the relationship but then does something that is seen as a challenge to their partner’s status.
Steve used to claim the problem with our lives was that I didn’t let him be “the boss”.
Whether I liked it or not, however, he was making most of the decisions, and the trouble was really (as I demonstrated later) that I had little power at all.
Steve was in charge, and although he had no real idea of how to provide for us or manage a family, he interpreted any move I made to improve things as a threat to his standing.
When I was down, he would blame me and say, “Come on, Kim, get in and help us!” but when I did, he would feel threatened and knock me down again, sabotaging anything I tried to do and taking over.
He would also bad mouth me (especially to his family) whenever he felt that he might be losing his position. All the while, he still had hold of all the levers of power, including our finances. Unwisely, I had also given him sway over my self-worth and confidence.
Years later, we had a Chinese student living with us (helping with the rent) who did something I will never forget: the kids were sitting around the table, and this young man said, “OK, who wants to be the boss?”
The kids all jumped up and down in their chairs, saying, “Me, me, me! I want to be the boss!”
Our boarder said to each of them, “OK, so you want to be the boss. Are you going to take care of your whole family and make sure they are safe and all get fed?”
The kids squealed, “No, no! I don’t want to do that”.
“Well then, you can’t be the leader because the leader has to be responsible for everyone, and that is why your mother and father have to be in charge.”
I am sharing this story because this idea (which I had realised many years before hearing this story) made me decide that it was OK for me to ‘seize power’ from Steve when he was at his worst.
Steve was only thinking of himself and not about us, and so it would have been irresponsible for me to let him remain in charge.
My first ebook, Back from the Looking Glass, could be described as the ‘mutiny’ I staged, which ultimately turned around our marriage.
I was honest and transparent about my ‘mutiny’. I said, “Since you seem intent on dragging your life and reputation into the gutter with no regard for us, we are going to do things my way until you become more responsible. You are no longer fit to be in charge of this family!”
One of the first things I did in my mutiny was put stickers on every cupboard and drawer in the house saying what belonged inside.
The kids were just getting old enough to read, so stickers were something Steve couldn’t argue with. Before that, the power struggle between us had been so bad that he would not even cooperate in putting things away in places where I had decided they should go. How much time do you think he wanted to spend on making those decisions? When I did try to discuss where he thought that things should go, it always turned into an argument. Until I found the sticker solution, every drawer and cupboard in our house was a junk drawer, but the stickers worked, and soon got that sorted.
If Steve put things in the wrong drawers after that, the kids would tell him he couldn’t read!
Once I had taken charge, I did my best to always be fair. We have an equal relationship now, which has led to good rapport between us, and I believe this equality is why we rarely fight now.
Don’t Mistake Emotional Overwhelm for Cruelty
In my early marriage to Steve (and in other past relationships), I had been guilty of verbal abuse. This was usually when (I am ashamed to say) I did not understand that men tend to become emotionally overwhelmed much faster than women.
In difficult conversations, I mistook silence as stonewalling, a kind of deliberate insult or torture that would cause me to become hurtful at the worst possible moments.
I feel terrible about this now; no matter how much you think someone is being deliberately unresponsive, it is much better to overcome the urge to use angry words because you may not fully appreciate what is going on in your partner’s emotional world. Instead, you might consider hitting the pause button and taking some time out for yourself.
Maybe you can use empathy and remember a time when you couldn’t talk because you were emotionally overwhelmed?
Vying for Position
Verbal abuse can also occur when people are uncertain of their position in the hierarchy and are vying for power. You can witness this often with children, their brothers and sisters, co-workers, and kids at school.
So, where is a healthy place to aim at rising in the power hierarchy I am describing?
There will always be those who are weaker and those who are more powerful than us, and it is wise to remind ourselves of this.
A healthy question to ask yourself might be how many people you are comfortable being responsible for in the framework you are now working within. The headmaster or principal of a school will, for instance, have responsibility for a greater number of students than a teacher does, even though the teacher’s responsibilities may be more comprehensive.
If one person takes more responsibility for the kids (or the elderly) in a family, that person should probably have more say regarding decisions.
End Verbally Abusive Conversations Before They Begin
Suppose you are living or working within a family or organisation where a person in a role of authority is not being responsible about their treatment of others and not talking respectfully to those with less power and authority. In that case, it will be necessary to know how to protect yourself by avoiding conversations you know may lead to you being verbally abused. You may also need to learn how to protect yourself and minimise the emotional damage their harsh words may cause. This will not work long-term unless you also change your habits to increase your overall standing in the hierarchy.
You Won’t Win this Battle Head On
If you don’t know how to play chess, I suggest you watch a game or two or even take time and learn. The strategies needed to ‘bring down your opponent’s king’ will help you to understand that this process is not about direct assault but instead having control of more of the squares on the board than your partner’s false pride (their ‘king’ in this analogy). The king isn’t attacked but, once cornered, concedes defeat.
I realised the benefits of understanding this kind of strategy at one point in my journey with Steve. I had been trying to get a business off the ground without success for several years when, while playing chess, one day, a specific position on the board struck me. I realised that a person could not ‘move ahead’ with their strategy in ‘the game’ if they are repeatedly put ‘in check’; in other words, I wasn’t going to be able to move forward in any area of my life as long as Steve was working against me.
It was about this same time that I found the courage to get the police involved to help me end the physical intimidation I had lived with for a number of years.
Suppose you are in a relationship that is physically aggressive or intimidating. In that case, before you even consider tackling the verbal abuse problem, it is imperative you implement and enforce a zero intimidation policy and become 100% ready and committed to calling in protection at the earliest signs of that behaviour.
It is difficult to get police protection for domestic abuse these days, let alone verbal abuse (but do not let this dissuade you if you are facing physical abuse – there is advice in Back from the Looking Glass on how to best approach the police) and because of this I get more enquiries on how to deal with verbal abuse than any other question that people ask me. Unfortunately, there is not a ‘one size fits all’ solution, but I will end this article with scripts I have found effective.
If the abuser in your life is a close family member who you care about, bringing down their false pride will need to be your aim, but at the same time, it is crucial you respect and remember the ‘real person’ beneath their haughty exterior. You must build trust with the real person and try to help them feel secure while at the same time putting limits on their aggressive and arrogant behaviour. Similarly, parents are now wisely taught to limit their children’s bad behaviour without limiting the child. This is good advice that I believe is also true for adults. It can be a fine line to tread, but the better you become at reassuring the person you are dealing with that you love and accept them but will not tolerate being yelled at, put down or insulted, the better results you will get.
You Cannot Win an Argument with a Verbal Abuser.
Most importantly, these scripts need to be used to ‘close the door’ on the conversation when you feel uncomfortable about where it is going. Thinking you can win an argument with a person who is set on verbally dominating you will not work. It does not matter how clearly you show them they are wrong or that they are being unjust; at the point of them being abusive, their ego is in charge, and it is doubtful they will back down and say, “Oh, sorry, you are right”. Refusing to engage without rejecting the person entirely will, however, force them to reconsider how they approach you in the future.
Some Scripts for Dealing with Verbal Abuse
“I don’t like where this conversation is going and I’m not prepared to talk about this anymore, I need to get to work/home/cleaning up (or whatever).”
When you say this, you must disengage and do what you said you needed to do.
“I am concerned that you think you can talk to me this way; if this continues, I will need to talk to [choose the most appropriate person for the situation who has some authority over the abuser such as a superior at work, your minister, doctor, the local police, the school principal (if it relates to the kids) but that is NOT a friend of theirs or member of their family] to get some advice, because I don’t know how to handle you when you are like this.”
Note: It is crucial that you give this first as a warning and don’t make this call too soon. Still, it certainly cannot be an empty threat. If the abuse continues, you must find the courage to speak to someone who has some authority over the abuser.
Don’t expect that this person is going to fix this problem for you however. What you are doing is showing your spouse that you are not going to be silent; you mean what you say and that you are not a pushover.
“I feel hurt by what you are saying and don’t want to say anything I might regret later, so I am going to go and calm down now. I hope we can discuss this in a day or two when you feel calmer.”
You can also say (and regularly)
“Stop putting me down.”
“You are not better than me.”
“I won’t give you a hard time if you don’t give me one.” (said with one arched eyebrow and your chin tilted down, or looking over your glasses)
“You have had a bad day; why don’t you relax for a while? I will talk to you later.”
“Sometimes I am, and sometimes I’m not,” said in response to statements such as, you are stupid, careless, clumsy, etc.
“I need to cool off before we talk about this any further, and I hope you will, too. I will talk to you at (time) when I have finished ——.”
At this point, I should mention that it is crucial you let your partner know when you will get back to them if you leave. It will undoubtedly escalate the situation if you simply storm off and don’t say where you are going or when you will talk to them again.
“I am going to need an hour or two to calm down. I will call/see you at (time). I hope you decide to calm down, too, before we see each other again.”
“I am going for a walk to calm down; I will return soon. I don’t want to discuss this tonight as we are both too emotional. Let’s agree to give it a day or two. I love you, but I will not discuss anything with you while you are shouting at me.”
“I can see that you are upset/angry/distressed about this, but I cannot talk now as I feel overwhelmed, and I need time to think about what you have said to me. I will call/see you (time).”
Besides these scripts, you can use clear body language, such as putting your hands out in front of you with your fingers pointing towards the sky at a slight distance from your body before you turn and walk away.
“I am not going to argue with you; when you are ready to consider my point of view and discuss something that suits us, then we can talk more.”
“I need sanctuary now; please do not come in here again until you have calmed down. Let’s agree to talk about this tomorrow.”
The finality in your voice with these statements is essential, as is keeping your voice even and in a deeper tone.
Commanding respect is essential, but thinking that you need your partner to be nice to you or resolve the fight in the heat of the moment is a HUGE mistake. Learning to self-soothe, calm yourself down, and find your own source of inner happiness– regardless of how others treat you–is the most critical skill you can ever learn.
Dealing with Emotions that are NOT Yours (but that you have been infected with)
Did you know that emotions are contagious?
If other people’s anger or negativity surrounds you, you will pick it up, but if it is not yours, you cannot resolve it. Because of this, you must learn to let go of bad feelings you have picked up from others and get back to feeling happy as soon as possible.
If you are feeling angry, hurt, depressed, etc., ask yourself if the emotion is yours or if you have picked it up from someone else around you.
If it’s not yours, here is an exercise that might help . . .
Go ahead and feel the emotion in your lungs and heart area, and then imagine it in a balloon inside you that keeps getting bigger as you breathe. When it finally gets larger than your body, see the balloon now become more like a soap bubble that will eventually pop on its own, and all of the bad feelings float away . . .
Now imagine your happiness like a spring bubbling up inside you, washing away anything left of the bad feelings and making you feel better. After this, when you feel ready, begin very gently to share your own natural happiness with the people around you.
If your happiness is genuine, this will help the people around you decide to be happy, too. This, however, is not the same as pretending to be happy!
This exercise will take longer when you first try it, but you will soon get better at it with practice. If you can, be sympathetic to why the person/people you are with are angry. Giving them some validation and understanding (once you are feeling better) will usually help.
“I know that work is tough for you at the moment; I can only guess that you must be feeling stress about providing for us.”
“Being a mother is a tough job and must get lonely; you must miss your independence and feel overwhelmed by it Sometimes. It takes most women a long time to adjust to being a mother.”
You cannot regulate the feeling if the feeling is not yours in the first place. You can only clear it and bring your own happiness back, then offer empathy. Then, you must let your partner deal with regulating the emotion.
Add the Missing Virtue
If there is a positive virtue missing in a situation, rather than escalate the negative emotions, once you are able to access your own sense of happiness, you can then think about what virtue is missing and attempt to add it.
For instance …
- Someone who is showing little understanding may need some understanding.
- A person who is showing little valour may need protecting or defending (from unrealistic expectations or too much pressure at work or from the expectations or pressure from their friends or family).
- A person showing little humility may need others around them to demonstrate humility.
- An irresponsible person needs a very responsible family.
- An insensitive person may need to be treated with extra consideration and care.
- A person who rarely appreciates others may need to feel appreciated.
- A person who lacks empathy may be anxious and need someone to feel for them and put themselves in their shoes.
This is not the same as ‘turning the other cheek’. What I am suggesting here is not offering yourself as a victim but instead as a positive influence. If someone is regularly abusing you verbally (or in any way), you are not doing them a favour to let them continue behaving this way. Calling in the help of an outside agency may be necessary, but it will work best if it is done out of concern for the abuser rather than as retaliation or punishment.
Has this Happened Before?
Again, these ideas will not work in the heat of the moment unless you have taken time to think about these new strategies and practice them when possible. The truth is that if you are being verbally abused, this situation probably occurs regularly. You must start preparing yourself to respond better next time in a way that defends yourself (or those around you who may also need protection). In some instances, it may be necessary and possible to entirely cut contact with the person in question, but this is not always a guarantee that the abuse will end. Trying to break contact can also escalate the problem, so please take care.
No one gets used to being abused, and your skin doesn’t naturally grow thicker over time. It has been proven that if a person is constantly subjected to verbal abuse, they become more sensitive to it and may suffer anxiety attacks or PTSD. It can be a mean old world out there, and even though some people may try, it is impossible to avoid being abused by becoming cold, hard and nasty.
It is much healthier to face the fact that as unpleasant as it may be, sometimes all of us will face the wrath and disdain of another or end up being balled out or put down, and so it is well worth the time practising these techniques that can be used to help you deal with this type of dehumanising situation.
I also suggest you think about this;
No matter how successful you are – not everyone is going to like everything you do . . .
Hang in there!
Kim Cooper
Kim and Steve,
My situation is extremely complicated. My husband admitted today that he indeed has given up on love with me. He pores all his love to his children (pretty much ignoring my son..his step).
Hey Lost, You hang in there okay? First and foremost you need to take care of yourself and your son and not let your happiness depend on him and we are here to help you learn self defence!
Would you say that someone who teases you constantly is also a form of abuse. The better I feel about myself, the stronger I am becoming, the more I notice that my husband has been teasing me in a way that is always undermining me in front of out adult children. He says that he does not mean any of his comments in anyway other than in a humorous way and that I just don’t think anything is funny anymore. I have tried several different ways to handle this situation so as not to bring to much attention to it, but ignoring the comments only make him continue. He seems to choose times when we are sitting around the table visiting with out children to bring up something that may embarrass me. Everyone laughs but me. Am I being too sensative, like that all say, or is this a form of bullying?
I certainly think this is s form of bullying. The best thing you can do is remember his comments and perhaps find a friend with a good sense of humor to help you with some comeback lines to have ready next time it happens. Something that is funny and puts him in his place. You will need to wait until you have calmed down to work on this. You may even sense you are less vulnerable and may stop before you even need to use them. Steve plays football and the guys constantly rib each other (and us wives) and so I have had to get a lot of practice at this. It doesn’t come naturally to me – but it is a talent worth working on.
Kim and Steve,
Thank you for providing the scripts. I like the “Sometimes I am and sometimes I’m not” reply to put-downs or fault finding.
I’ve found using brief and concise requests in a very nice tone work better than saying I have something I need to talk to you about, because the latter usually puts him in on the defensive and in fight mode. I am also very careful about not expressing my feelings around him because in the past I have become an easy target for his verbal abuse and put downs.
Hi Marigrace, Yes unfortunately people with narcissistic patterns of behavior will often see your feelings as a threat. This is because at some point they have probably experienced an emotionally manipulative parent who used their negative feelings as a form of control (eg. I feel sad and so you should feel bad and stay home and take care of me).
Also saying that there is something you need to talk about is confrontational and likely to put anyone on the defense!
So well done! Being able to ask what you want concisely and briefly while being warm is definitely the best way to go! That is healthy role modeling at it’s best.
My husband couches his verbal abuse in humor so it’s difficult for me to respond with “stop putting me down.” He’ll say something like, “See, I can’t go away for a weekend without the sheets getting put on the wrong bed. (name the benign problem that becomes my screwup when it’s usually his but he can never be wrong). When I tell him he’s being intimidating, he says, “you can’t take a joke.” He shakes his head and walks away or chastises me for being too sensitive. I don’t think he ever hears what I say when I say “stop putting me down.” Nothing changes.
Hi Lynn, Since you know exactly the kind of comments he makes I would spend some time coming up with some good comeback lines that are funny as well but also put him in his place. I don’t have a great sense of humor but maybe you could ask a friend who does and think of some really good comeback lines? Taking time to figure out a better response ahead of time has been proven to be the very best thing you can do in these situations. Once you get good at it – you will probably find that you don’t even need them. There is a short movie on how to handle putdowns you might enjoy at the top of the page here https://youtu.be/TXi0ov8Jgok.
Lynn,
I noticed you just posted about this yesterday, so I am sharing my experience with you.
I have been working for a number of years to know how to better respond to sarcastic jabs which wax and wane depending on what else is going on in our life. I’m not good at having really effective comebacks, but I have learned that a least part of the purpose of the comeback is to give you an internal sense of being “ok,” as opposed to feeling defensive and off balance. The exact comeback is less critical if at least it gives you a few moments to regroup, and disengage.
I wish I could say something like “I appreciate your observations” said honestly, but internally with a touch of self protection. If I am feeling too needy or attacked, and respond more like, “Yes, but you also do x,y or z,” the interaction derails pretty quickly.
What I have also learned, and you may or may not have yet; is that when you respond back to the content of the covert criticisim, you have already lost. (Even when you see that there is a kernel of truth in what your spouse is saying.) After a progressive series of these “pokes,” it is a real challenge not to get pulled into justifying or defending yourself, but if you so, it is a futile and exhausting battle. Keeping in mind, in the real time of the interaction, that the sarcastic put downs are coming from your husband’s issues is easier said than done, but important. You can look at what you need to fix in yourself separately, but it probably has little to do with what is being identified by your husband (at least in these moments.)
Just my thoughts and observations,
Great to have you with us MFRS 🙂
I know what you mean about the pokes and not getting pulled in.
Steve doesn’t do that to me anymore but the other guys from his (old guys) football club do it all the time.
Like tonight at Steve’s birthday party that we had at a dinner dance (ones we have been hosting together for the last year). We had an amazing girl sing a number or two (Emma- Jean) who is a friend and has been helping us out (and refusing to be paid) right from the start.
Steve was filming her performances on my phone (because Emma – Jean had asked him to) but one of Steve’s footy mates kept saying to me, “Hey look at how much Steve is into this, he is having a great time.” All the while poking me and trying to see how I was going to react.
Lucky I have had a lot of practice with Steve’s footy mates testing everyone like this, so I just laughed and said, “Yeah” and kept talking to everyone.
Instead of feeling defensive or doubtful of Steve I laughed to myself and thought, “Okay since I didn’t react , I bet this guy is going to keep pushing this just to see how I respond.
Sure enough he went on to say it another 3 or 4 times, and it was only when eventually Emma Jean, him and I were talking later around my DJ booth that I laughed and said, “Yeah Steve was filming because Emma asked him to and that is part of how we are paying her for being here!!!
I am not saying Steve wasn’t enjoying the show 🙂 but I will say that Emma (who is a stunning girl) did do a kind of Marilyn Style Happy birthday rendition for Steve (that was not personal but because she loves doing Marilyn and it being Steve’s birthday it is just the kind of thing she does) and you know Steve got so embarrassed he wouldn’t look and just got everyone to sing happy birthday too.
Even though both of us worked all night and Steve was on the bar not drinking, later he came over to my DJ booth with stars in his eyes and and thanked me for the best birthday party he had ever had.
Part of that I am sure was that a pretty girl had been singing to him, but instead of it going to his head and making him nasty like it would have in the past, we are so close now that was totally alright. I mean if a beautiful young man had sung me happy birthday I am sure that too would have given me a bit of a boost!
Anyway I Just wanted to share the amazing night we had with you all (it’s 2am now and Steve is snoring as I write) and thank you all for contributing here – it is late and I have to sleep now but hang in there and God bless 🙂 because if Steve and my marriage can have changed so drastically as it has in the last 9 years I think there must be hope for us all 🙂
May I add my 2 cents here about teasing? What I’ve learned, being a VERY easy target for the tease, is that the people who tease me are the ones who really do love, like, and/ or care about me. Even my grown children tease me. I always laugh with them and never take it personally.
My dad would sometimes tease my mom in a way that, well, she could have been offended. Instead she was able to learn to turn it around. For example, when they would have relatives over, at the breakfast table Dad would say “Its a good thing we have company once in a while or I would never get a good breakfast.” My mom always, every day of her life made my dad a big breakfast spread. Bacon and eggs, fruit salad, toast, maybe hashbrowns—the whole nine yards. She finally started to have a comeback ready. “Well, then we should have overnight guests all the time!” Then turning to the guests would invite them—
” Would you guys like to stay here for the entire next month?”
Everyone laughed and everyone could see that my dad was very well nourished.
Things like this happened all the time. My mom was a doormat and my dad often mistreated her, but she finally did, after 20 years of marriage, figure out how to beat him at his own game. The sad part of it was that all the hurts for all the years accumulated and she didn’t understand the mental, emotional, physical connections. Her hurt emotions lead to physical illnesses and she died at the young age of 52 from too many prescription drugs.
It has taken me a lifetime to grow up and figure things out. I’ve been single for over 30 years (with no love relationships—just raising my children) and now find myself in love with a man who also verbally abuses me from time to time, mostly criticisms and put-downs. I love him so much that I’m willing to put in as much effort as it takes to turn things around. For that, I am eternally and exceedingly grateful for Kim and Steve. If the relationship doesn’t work out, at least I will have learned skills so that if anyone else comes into my life in the future I will be prepared to be the most loving, accepting mate who also loves herself, protects herself, and finds that joy and happiness from within.
And finally, I would like to share a bit that my daughter sent me today in the mail. It’s a card she had made up for her clients.
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” —-Viktor Frankl
Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts.
Thank you for these great insights, Kim and Steve – they are really helpful !
A friend of mine told me that she tried to get to simpleology from your link above and it did not work. Just thought you might want to know.
Thanks Kimberly!
Hi Kim,
I find all of the scripts useful; however, what I am struggling with is my husband accuses me of flirting when I am not. I am an extrovert and I am friendly; but I do know my boundaries. I do not touch other men when I talk with them, I do not bat my eyelashes, compliment them or any other thing that may be flirting. My husband constantly accuses me of flirting. He says “I gave up all my female friends so that things would work. I want someone that will do the same for me. It drives me crazy that you cannot give up your male friends.” The truth be told, the only “male friends” I have are the males in our couple friends. Other than that the only males I talk to are the parents of our son and that is to arrange rides or visits. Any time I have any type of contact with another lake my husband looses his s**t. How do I deal with these accusations without givening in? I am not going to say sorry for flirting when I am not. This is a HUGE issue.
I wonder why your husband feels so insecure about that? Was his mother unfaithful to his father? I wonder how you can reassure him while also showing him that he is being a goose?
No idea why he is so insecure. His parents have been married for a very long time. His mother had been in a marriage before marrying his father. I am having a very difficult time communicating with him. I am in my home town this weekend with my Aunt and he has sent me a text saying he is very hurt by me, it is a Vegas thing (long story). He then sent me a text saying he went decided to go through my fb photos and found pics of me with other guys. Even if they are old he said they shouldn’t be up there. I went through my pics and there is only 1 pic of me with a life long friend.
I am at a loss for words when this happens. I have not responded as it will start a fight and I am in my home town on business.
I have a 2.5 hour drive home so I will have to think of what I am going to say. I realize me shutting down does not help. I am abounding the conflict, which is not helping.
Perhaps I need to write out some of the scripts and practice them and I will feel more equipped to deal with him. I feel as though insecurity that deep cannot be healed. 🙁
A good scrip might be saying you want to discuss this but if he raises his voice or refuses to consider your point of view you will not continue the conversation as you have done nothing to warrant his jealously and have nothing to hide.
Thank you. I will try that tonight.
When I came home from work, I told my husband that I wanted to discuss what happened on the weekend, but if he raised his voice or refused to listen to my point of view then I would not have the conversation. He said he did not want to talk. Then he said there is nothing to talk about because I know what I did wrong. He told me before and yet I went and did it anyway. He told me before I am not allowed to travel without him. I told him I was with my Aunt, I did not go out to a bar, I was working. He said he knew that was what I was going to say. He then proceeded to tell me he was not going to tell me what I did wrong, wanted to see if I could figure it out. I said to him you are not willing to listen to me and my point of view so I am going to the bookstore to pick up my package. He said good leave and continued to yell as I was leaving saying there is no other point of view. I did not engage, but I can imagine things will be tense for the next view days. I bought Hold on to your Kids” so I will start reading that. I feel he has an avoidant attachment style.
You did well and will undoubtably need to stick to your guns until he sees that you are a. Not going to ignore him but b. Not allow him to speak disrespectfully to you.
Thank you Kim. I have come to realize that I am terrible at setting boundaries and communicating. I believe part of it is due to the abuse I endured growing up and never have been taught to set boundaries. I was only taught how to fight! I am getting better. He is currently stonewalling me and sulking. Before I would try and get him to pay attention to me or pick a fight to make it stop. But now as I know that is what he wants, I don’t feel the need or urge to connect. I am continuing in with my regular activities. If I have to ask him a question I use my normal tone, but I do not try and engage in a discussion.
It getting easier.
Good work April! You hang in there 🙂