I‘ve heard it said if you don’t discover what a new person you meet is genuinely passionate about within the first few minutes of talking to them—you are unlikely to ever form a lasting connection.
I would take this even further and say you need to find a subject that you are both passionate about!
Just asking, “So what interests you?” is a bit awkward and might not cut it, so let’s see how we can accomplish this?
These two ideas below are ones you can use if the person is already talking to you . . .
Draw them Out
A great trick I often use with my children is to repeat the last word or two of their sentence. This will draw them out and help lead the conversation to what they are really interested in sharing. This might sound something like . . .
Son: “School was so terrible today I can’t believe what they made us do!”
Me: “Do?”
Son: “They said it was too hot to use the playground and so they made us stay in for sport.”
Me: “For sport?”
Son: “Yes as if we hadn’t already been stuck in the hot classroom for long enough! I know you probably need some help, but I really want to get outside and get some fresh air.”
Me: “Fresh air sounds good!”
Son: “Yes I wasn’t sure if I should tell you, but some kids I haven’t hung out with before are getting together at the park around the corner and asked if I wanted to join them.”
Me: “Join them?”
Son: “I am not sure what they do when they hang out so I am a little nervous, but most of them seem okay, so I thought I would just go check it out.”
Me: “How about I drive by in about half an hour and ask if you want to come shopping with me? That will give you an excuse to leave if you don’t like what they are doing?”
Son: “That would be great mum, thanks for understanding!”
Because I let my son lead this conversation, it went in a direction that gave me the information I really needed about his world which I probably never could have discovered by asking longer questions.
Break Rapport
Breaking rapport is something usually taught by male dating coaches who are trying to teach men to be more interesting when they talk to women. I think it is something we all could benefit from learning.
In this lesson, I will talk about SR’s. An SR is my name for a story or joke that is part of a person’s Standard Repertoire. SR can also mean Standard Response.
We will get into SR’s in more depth later in this series but for now, just think of an SR as a story that a person has told many times before and so isn’t fresh.
A person who is sharing an SR may be hoping to get a laugh, but if you think about it, they have heard the story before and so really it is not an interesting conversation for them.
If their SR is meant to be educational and they are trying to teach you something, this probably isn’t a good time to break rapport. But if the person is just talking to fill in dead air and you don’t feel like you are truly connecting by just playing audience, don’t be scared about trying this!
Example 1 Steve has come home from work and is talking about the changes the council has made to the parking rules in the streets in our neighbourhood. It is an old gripe that he will share with anyone who will listen.
Steve: “You can’t park anywhere around here for more than 2 hours . . . ”
Me: “You’re too restless to stay put for that long anyway!”
What this accomplishes is breaking the person out of their SR and shows them
a. You know them and you are present in a way that is more intimate than their SR conversation.
b. You are confident enough to be a bit cheeky and playful.
Another example of breaking rapport . . .
Example 2.
Steve: “I can never find nail scissors in this house . . . I must be the only person who puts them back after using them . . .
Me: “Yeah sure you put them back—I saw you throw a pair out the window in your sleep last night!”
Example 3.
Daughter: “Can I have some money to go to the mall later?”
Me: “Money? What makes you think I would have any money?”
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Breaking rapport means being able to deflect a conversation that is going straight ahead with not much room for connection. This leaves the opportunity for a higher quality conversation to eventually replace the one you have been offered . . .
Example 1.
Steve: “You can’t park anywhere around here for more than 2 hours . . . “
Me: “You’re too restless to stay put for that long anyway!“
Steve: “Yeah I was run off my feet today but you’ll never guess who I ran into . . .”
Example 2.
Steve: “I can never find nail scissors in this house . . . I must be the only person who puts them back . . .
Me: “Yeah sure you put them back—I saw you throw a pair out the window in your sleep last night.”
Steve: “Your one to talk! You throw all my pillows away when you’re asleep and I wake up with none!”
Me: “You lie on them all wrong and it makes you snore!”
Steve: “Well maybe we better get to bed earlier tonight so you can adjust them for me!”
Example 3.
Daughter: “Can I have some money to go to the mall later?”
Me: “Money? What makes you think I would have any money?”
Daughter: “I only asked because my boss hasn’t paid me yet this week and so I haven’t got any. I am getting so annoyed that he makes me ask for my pay all the time now.”
Me: “Really? I thought he was happy with your work?”
Daughter: “He is, but since he has decided to sell the business his mind is somewhere else.”
Me: “I didn’t know he was selling. I can give you some money sure, but I might need some help around the house the next few days—because I have to get the job I am working on finished so I get paid.”
Daughter: “Sure, do you want me to make dinner?”
All of these examples demonstrate breaking rapport used to take the conversation from something impersonal and leading away from connecting to something personal and intimate.
Breaking rapport in this way is an important conversation tool for finding better quality rapport!
Can you think of some ideas you can use for SR’s that you know will come your way today? Have a think now. I bet you have a pretty good idea what most of your family members will say to you next. I wonder if you can surprise them with something a little intimate and cheeky? If you need help we can brainstorm this in the comments section or secret FB group.
In Part 2 I will share some conversations skills to break people out of their SR’s and into a real-time conversation where connections are formed and memories are made.
[…] In Part 1 of this series I will share some simple and super easy to use techniques (you can begin using right away) that will draw people out in conversation and get them to quickly connect with you on a deeper and more intimate level. […]
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cute!,… I live alone, so I’m speechless!,… no examples,… (-: