An Overview of What This Process Looks Like
Steve Biddulph got me started with the ideas I will present in this series. My life changed after reading his classic book, The Secret of Happy Children. His advice was about dealing with children having tantrums. I would say that most verbally abusive people simply never had a parent capable of helping them grow out of this behaviour.
Central to his advice, the more serious you are, the more you should LOWER your volume and tone of voice.
He suggests that you vow to never again give in to a child’s tantrum.
I developed his advice further to use with anyone who attempts to negotiate with you by using aggression or passive aggression.
Regulating Anger
We are not saying that it is never okay to get angry.
Anger is triggered by disrespect and is normal and natural. Genuine anger wells up in a person and then subsides pretty quickly.
Like all other emotions, however, anger needs to be regulated. When you get angry, it is a personal warning–primarily to yourself–that a problem needs your thought and consideration.
The best response to you becoming angry should be measured and not cause physical or emotional harm to anyone (unless in genuine self-defence). Anger is meant to protect you, not cause damage to your loved ones or relationships.
Adult Tantrums
Aggression (and passive aggression) becomes problematic when anger is used as a negotiating tool for a person ‘to get their way’. It is then known as emotional manipulation and is sometimes called ‘an emotional racket’.
This way of negotiating is learned behaviour that you may feel is completely natural, but for it to stop in your household every time it happens from now on, it needs to become a big deal.
Keeping it Simple
Once you have read through the articles in this series, you can start applying the following basic rules. You are the only one who knows your situation and so, of course, you need to use your judgment. Always make sure you deliver these new scripts at a time and place where you are sure you are safe (or have backup ready).
Rule 1: Disengage (the earlier, the better for your safety). Do not reason with someone who is being rude, aggressive or insulting. I offer many scripts and tactics for this in this article series.
The scripts provided are not to change the person’s mind but to end the conversation.
Only negotiate when the other person has calmed down completely. Until they get better at regulating their emotions, this will usually take at least a day or two. If they miss out on something they wanted from you, so be it. As uncomfortable as it will be at times, you must vow that you will never again give in to coercion.
EG: “I will not help you with anything when you speak to me like this. I am going out the front for 10 minutes to cool off and hope you will do the same!”
If said early enough, this eventually may nip the situation in the bud fast enough that you can resume the conversation in 10 minutes. In the early stages of this Process, however, this is unlikely.
Rule 2: If the aggression or passive aggression continues, have a backup plan ready. Do not get drawn into the conversation. Be prepared to escape while also letting them know when you will be home.
EG: “I am not going to stay here and listen to this – I am going next door/the shops/my mothers and will be back in an hour when you have hopefully calmed down.”
If this means leaving dinner to burn or them to take care of the kids, so be it. Disengage early and leave them to deal with the consequences.
Rule 3: Once they stop, if they are not apologetic and calm, refuse to engage in the conversation again until a few days later. If it is about something urgent, it might be brought forward if they accept some clear conditions.
EG: “If you want me to consider what you are saying straight away, I need you to put what you are requesting in writing, and then we can go down to —— (your local coffee shop/park, etc.), where hopefully you will be more inclined to speak to me respectfully.
A public space is essential. It will help keep you safe and hopefully limit the likelihood of them becoming abusive.
Rule 4: If they storm out and leave the fact they have verbally abused you unresolved, make sure the consequences that follow affect them more than they affect you.
EG: “I love you and want us to have a better marriage, so I want to help you learn to discuss things with me without being rude or aggressive.
I know this is a bad habit and will probably take some time to change. To help, I have vowed never to discuss things with you while you are putting me down or being aggressive.
I have found a list of local courses you can do in communication and/or parent training) and have asked the man who runs one of these to call you.
If you verbally abuse me, from now on, I will either leave the room or leave the house.
If it continues, I may also be forced to call your boss, our pastor, or the police (choose the best person) and talk to them about this problem and see what they can offer.
One way or another, I know we can get through this. You don’t have to always agree with me, but your insults and aggression do need to stop if you want me to listen.”
This speech needs to be written with your situation in mind, considering the defence types we will look at in the following series. Again, it would help if you delivered this in a public place (a public park?) where you feel 100% confident that your partner will not launch into a verbal attack again.
After you deliver this message, you must be ready to get on with your day and leave them to think about what has been said.
Don’t engage in conversation at this point, especially not trying to get them to apologise. Anger or promises will not cut it with you any longer; the only thing that matters is that they understand what you expect and are clear that every time they insult or disrespect you, you will be 100% true to your word about what you said would happen.
Hang in there with the Process!
There are a lot more articles to follow about ending verbal abuse in your home, but this will never stop unless you are 100% committed to not allowing yourselves to ever be spoken to in this way again.
Your partner will be shocked and angry at first, but hold your ground; this is a battle you must win!
Kim Cooper
Next:
A Crash Course In Raising Your Status
The end point of verbal abuse? My husband has improved greatly in the verbal abuse department over the course of our 14 year marriage. You described what I’d call “grandstanding” about instances of verbal abuse. I’ve done a fair amount of “grandstanding” over different issues in the past few years to very good effect. But in a “normal” relationship, what I expect is that if someone hurts someone else’s feelings, the hurt party will simply say that their feelings are hurt and how that happened, and the other party will respond with some understanding. Is this not how things work in “normal” relationships? Is that a codependent view of things? How/when do you transition from the stage of “grandstanding” over disrespectful speech to simply being able to say, “I’m feeling hurt over what you said” and expect to receive a caring response?? Or is it that that works fine with some people, but for other people you need different skills/methods for handling the situation?
Hi Tanya, I am not sure if there is any such thing as a ‘normal’ relationship!
Personally I find that the less I need or expect anyone else to appease me if my feelings are hurt the more understanding they are likely to be.
I know Steve’s friends who play football rib each other all the time and being able to ‘get over it’ is how they rank each other. Guys who get their feelings hurt too easily are tolerated but the guys are also a bit wary of them and they do mention it too each other.
In the end for me it comes down to what the issue is and how to restructure the power imbalance that caused the problem. I know a person for instance that tends to invite me for dinner, but then put me down in front of everyone as soon as the meal starts. After years of this (I have known them for a long time!) I have come to understand that they do that because when they cook for other people it is because they want to drink and dominate the conversation even though they are not very good at that. As this is someone close to me (enough said) I have made the choice to have our get togethers in my home* or be wary when I am in that situation with them.
I know this is different than a spouse but the situation is still similar. In what situations do they verbally abuse you and why? Is it to control the money? If so don’t worry about them making you feel better. Get your bank accounts sorted out and make sure you have time to really figure out what you want to spend your money on and that you are going to fight for before you get ambushed. Is it to start a fight so they have an excuse to storm off? Don’t give them the fight and make sure you have your own stuff to do.
As the power balances get righted and things settle down into a new normal, yes things should get better and you not have to make a big deal about their abuse.
*At our house when the kids were younger we had a conversation egg that we passed around. The game was that if you had the egg you got to say what you wanted and then people had to ask you questions. You could hold the egg until the questions finished and then you handed it to the person whose question you liked the best. We didn’t have to play that very many times and we all got better!
Thanks Kim. I get the abuse when I disagree with him or express any kind of disapproval of him. But now it only happens sometimes, not all the time like it used to. In this case, I didn’t like the word he was using to address our (4 year old) daughter when he was angry at her. I said nothing at the time, but later in private I did, and he responded disrespectfully to me. He had called our daughter “little missy” in a very put-downy kind of way. We were vacationing in a very rich area, and he was enjoying the feeling that he maybe belonged there and the power and pride that goes along with that. He likes to go there, but the last time the disrespect happened was several months ago when we were at the same place. It has crossed my mind that perhaps I need to not go there with him. When he is there he talks a lot about the rich things he sees, counts all the expensive cars, likes to drive around looking at expensive houses, likes to hang out at the expensive tennis club and chat with rich people. Could that all be causing an attack of narcissism in him that results in him disrespecting his family?
ps. and it’s not really a money issue. He travels for work and so has a lot of hotel & airline points, so these trips are very inexpensive for us: free hotel, free breakfast. You husband had more obvious practical problems, but mine is supporting the family well and has never had a tendency to violence, which is better, but also makes it hard to get through the facade. His life isn’t crumbling around him or anything. His vulnerability to me is the only chink in his armor.
Hi! I am trying to begin putting these principles into practice. The verbal abuse is usually pretty extreme here. Tonight, however, it wasn’t as severe–my husband “shushed” me a couple of times. (He was watching TV after work and I was telling our son do do his evening chore). Remembering that I was to make a big deal about any form of rudeness, I just looked at him as seriously as I could and said, “It’s very rude to “shush” your wife!” His response was something like, “Then go in the other room!” He did it again shortly after that, so I said the same thing, but got a little closer. lol He and my son just kind of smiled as this was out of character for me. This is so unnatural for me and it feels like I’m doing it all wrong. Did I make some mistakes?? Thanks! (I’m still laughing at my attempt to be stern).
huh, I gotta say… there’s got to be a better way. (Or maybe is it because I’m empathic? ) I have been on the receiving end of this, and have been treated as though “I” am the narcissist, verbally abusive, crazy one… ironically by my ex husbands new wife… Who he obviously has convinced that I am like him… actually, it’s almost more like I AM him. And suddenly, he’s not. It’s like he’s transferred all of his negative behaviors and traits onto me (scapegoating, while mirroring her???) And I am truly being treated like I am the narcissist and verbally abusive one here. And now he all the sudden is the “mature one”. Whatever. But, as such…. I have been on the receiving end, of this very scenario. It feels extremely impersonal, controlling, harsh, indifferent…. When I am just trying to express my feelings. I kind of feel like and agree with what Tanya is saying…. Being treated that way sucks. And it might shut the other person up, but it also shows them that you don’t care…? So I guess my question is similar to hers…. does it ever get to the point where it’s normal and healthy? Like, it might have to start out this way, with standing your ground…. but after a while, does it ever get more healthy where you can just respectfully say how you feel and they respond in a healthy respectful way??? Or will this always be the way it needs to be in a NC relationship? I guess my question is… Do they ever actually change, or do they stay this way, but change their behavior because you’ve changed your behavior. it just seems like you’d never be able to truly let your walls down, and just be kind, respectful, normal…. And is it almost like they “like” you like that and being treated that way? I’ve known my ex for 15 yeas now…. and he’s never changed. Maybe this could work with him… but I just couldn’t live like that forever, and not be able to ever relax and just completely be myself…. So, am I off base? How can there ever be true intimacy here in a relationship like that, when you’ve had to completely change, and even do the OPPOSITE, of what is in your nature. Cold, harsh, cruel, and NOT care. Selfishness. twisting words, talking down to them. It almost feels like a parent child relationship. I don’t want to change into my opposite…. I want to be able to completely be myself and be safe…
Hi Jasisan, I would not say that what I have suggested is cold harsh or cruel. Maybe you are reading a tone into my words that is not intended? What I am suggesting is that you NOT be drawn into a fight where you may say cold harsh or cruel things.
I wonder Would you normally be warm and friendly toward someone who is being aggressive or disrespectful towards you?
Shorter comebacks are effective too. This is just one of many ways of standing up for yourself.
In truth Verbal abuse is basically a bad habit. It is a way that a person has learned that they can use to ‘get their way’. Changing habits is tough but you need to remember that they do not talk to everyone like this. Only people who they feel are lower status than themselves. The point here is not to make them feel warm to you – but instead make them feel uncomfortable so they think twice about doing it again. Needing people to like us all the time is what leads a person to become a soft target for abuse. It is a hard lesson to learn but if you are scared of people ever being angry or upset with you – you will most likely have a hard time making lasting or deep friendships. Sometimes we need to set a boundary even if it is going to make the other person mad at us for awhile. Feelings change and in time they will get over it and respect you more because you stood your ground.
Things can get better than this sure, that is the point of what this is all about. When stress levels get really high however you may need to re draw the line. We are moving house at the moment for instance which is a very stressful time when everyone can want different things. I have had to get back to doing a bit of grandstanding throughout this with Steve. At one stage a few days ago I even put my fingers in my ears and refused to listen when he was using an aggressive tone of voice to get his way. Pretty immature I guess and yes he hated it. It prevented a fight however and made him see that if he wanted to ‘get his way’ he had to drop the tough guy stuff and be prepared to talk things through.