{"id":8201,"date":"2019-01-29T20:26:08","date_gmt":"2019-01-29T09:26:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/?p=8201"},"modified":"2022-01-25T07:47:51","modified_gmt":"2022-01-24T20:47:51","slug":"a-new-family-order","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/a-new-family-order\/","title":{"rendered":"Your Children Are Adults? Don’t Abdicate Responsibility"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\"\"<\/a>A New World<\/del> Family Order<\/h2>\n

H<\/span>aving tragically lost my mother to breast cancer last year, this Christmas and New Year just past was the first I have lived through without a father or mother.<\/p>\n

Just like politics, when one leading player departs, others are left to jostle for new positions of responsibility, privilege and authority. Some find new strength while others are challenged or demoted.<\/p>\n

My mother was loved dearly, but she was somewhat of a toothless matriarch. Dominating yet unprincipled, people’s reactions to her were always a matter of perspective\u2026 to some her deeds would be seen as benevolent, while to others just plain lax.<\/p>\n

Like the times grandchildren in need of guidance or discipline would instead receive her audience and praise. Parent and grandchild’s feelings about this same situation would obviously differ.<\/p>\n

Just like politics, when one leading player departs, others are left to jostle for new positions of responsibility, privilege and authority. Some find new strength while others are challenged or demoted.<\/em><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

No matter which side of this judgement you found yourself on, Mum always knew how to cook up an impressive spread. And once the meal was on the table, she would sit down and claim regal authority.<\/p>\n

My children and Steve were her audience; my stepfather and myself royal attendants.<\/p>\n

My efforts to claim any status or authority around Mum, even with regards to my own children, always provoked a backlash. The truth is Mum shared zero authority.<\/p>\n

Like the night she was invited to our house and I had a two-course meal prepared in the kitchen and Mum brought in take-away food and served it to the family before I could stop her.<\/p>\n

I dealt with this type of behaviour better at sometimes than at others. That night I ended up in the casualty ward at our local hospital with an anxiety attack. I never ended up seeing a doctor. The nurses on duty were so shocked and understanding, I felt able to return home within less than an hour.<\/p>\n

Not as easy to deal with, Steve has not always supported my authority either, often challenging\u2014in front of our children\u2014my most simple requests and directives.<\/p>\n

\u2026<\/center>
<\/center>E<\/span>astern countries understand much better than the West the need for organisational structure and hierarchies that support authority in families. For this reason, I predict that the East will now take the lead in the political restructuring we are currently witnessing on the world stage.
\nMore on that in a moment, but first a little more about our family\u2026<\/p>\n

\u2026<\/center>
<\/center>M<\/span>y mother’s absence, and the tough job of transitioning our younger son into working life since finishing high school (school finishes in December in Australia), alongside Christmas and January being the busiest time at the motel and Steve being diagnosed with heart disease just recently, has together made this festive season extremely challenging for us.<\/p>\n

Less obvious than a departing leading player is when a member loses status due to reasons such as age, ill health or diminished responsibilities (real or perceived), and again a new family order must be established to avoid conflict and chaos.<\/p>\n

Our younger son has been toying with leaving home lately (much like a yo-yo), and with Steve being unwell for most of last year, there have been a number of additional shifts in the power balance that we have had to deal with.<\/p>\n

Decreased perceived authority (as many women face when their children reach 18), combined with increased real responsibility, is not an easy combo to manage.<\/p>\n

While our children see themselves as all grown up now, thinking they know better about most things than their parents (and especially their mother!), the truth is at the age they are now, parental responsibilities and challenges increase dramatically<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Less obvious than a departing leading player is when a member loses status due to reasons such as age, ill health or diminished responsibilities (real or perceived), and again a new family order must be established to avoid conflict and chaos.<\/em><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Young adult children, despite their protests otherwise, need a whole new level of care and attention. They can get themselves into a lot more serious trouble than most school age children can, whether through drinking, driving, dating, using drugs irresponsibly\u2026 or simply feeling they can sleep all day and sponge off other people.<\/p>\n

Mum departing at the same time our youngest child reached 18 created a power vacuum much larger than I could have anticipated.<\/em><\/p>\n

Swearing, tantrums, and sometimes even violence would result over even the simplest requests made by Steve and myself.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

T<\/span>he roles and expectations in the family I was born into were never well-defined. Many times, I was expected to play mother to my own mother and father, both of whom never resolved their power struggles with each other.<\/p>\n

My mother\u2019s and father’s world views were so totally different to each other\u2019s that for me to please one, invariably meant displeasing the other.<\/p>\n

Out of this chaos grew my thirst for order and understanding.<\/p>\n

This is part of the reason that establishing a new and clear order in our family has become a very\u00a0real and important challenge for me.<\/p>\n

My mother is no longer at the head of the table.<\/p>\n

Steve\u2019s illness has required that in order for me to assist him, he must lend my position at home and at work (we work together) much more authority.<\/p>\n

Rather than allowing myself to be pushed aside, as many women do at the stage when their children grow up and their parents pass on, I am stepping up and claiming my true role as co-regent of our family.<\/p>\n

I am certainly more authoritative than Steve and my mother (who I would deem overly permissive), and not everyone in the family has welcomed this difference coming into starker contrast.<\/p>\n

I have been told that at times it looks like I just want to \u2018be the boss\u2019. The truth is that we have had far too much of that attitude arising from the recent chaos in our home, and it is now time to establish a new family order. An order that is not about anyone being the boss but about it being easier for us to work and relax together.<\/p>\n

Establishing this new structure with purpose and intention will hopefully avoid the displays of aggression and dominance that have resulted from our family’s recent lack of clear organisational structure.<\/p>\n

Successful hierarchies (and yes, you certainly need hierarchies for success) have little to do with dominance.<\/p>\n

Systems with roles that are defined by natural motivation and aptitude always work better than ones imposed by tradition or dogma (or dogmatic resistance towards either of these)\u2026 but that is a different story for another time.<\/p>\n

Back to dominance…<\/p>\n

From an early age we have been taught there is a good guy and a bad guy, and the good guy must win for peace to prevail. That is how the stories all end. We are the good guys who must destroy the bad guys.<\/p>\n

The truth is peace only ever comes when there is a balance of power. Only then can everyone\u2019s propensity for good be revealed.<\/p>\n

We must stop playing good guys and bad guys in our families… if we want to end the conflict and destruction.<\/p>\n

We will never find peace in our homes through tearing down and destroying each other.<\/p>\n

While it may look like I just want to \u2018be the boss\u2019 (and some family members have painted me as the bad guy), the reality is with Steve sick and in need of assistance and care, and our children reaching an age where they need a different level of care, more and more roles are falling on my shoulders.<\/p>\n

Rather than allowing myself to be pushed aside, as many women do at the stage when their children grow up and their parents pass on, I am stepping up and claiming my true role as co-regent of our family.<\/em><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

My older children are also more capable now and able to handle larger responsibilities being asked of them.<\/p>\n

So, when Steve supports me in re-establishing that balance of power in our family by backing my taking a more authoritative role, the result is not for my own dominance but to provide a structure for equality and cooperation.<\/p>\n

Because the truth is there are no good guys and bad guys, just good or bad systems and structures.<\/a> Good structures encourage honesty and accountability, and bad structures encourage corruption and nepotism.<\/p>\n

This leads us back to the world stage\u2026<\/p>\n

…<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

T<\/span>his restructuring has become all the more urgent in our homes and communities worldwide at a time when the most powerful government in the world is relinquishing its dominant role on the world stage.<\/p>\n

It is now official the United States is no longer the strongest financial<\/a> or military world power,<\/a>\u00a0having recently been relegated to position number 2 after China and Russia respectively.<\/p>\n

US troops are coming home for the plain and simple reason of wanting to avoid having their long-grounded air force face a contest in Syria that it is by no means certain to win.<\/p>\n

Many will be alarmed at me saying this, but it is clear that the new balance of power in our now post-unipolar world provides an opportunity for peace the world has not seen for a long time.<\/p>\n

Are you old enough to remember the Cold War? How much more peaceful a time that was in the world than the \u2018hot wars\u2019 which have raged since the US and its allies became unchallengeable \u2018top dogs’.<\/p>\n

This chance for peace will only come if the chaos of the transition can be managed by putting in place new and more balanced systems and structures.<\/p>\n

If we continue to bay for blood and insist on a \u2018final victory\u2019 against opponents now stronger than us, this opportunity for peace may be lost.<\/p>\n

Because the fact of the matter is that we can never win the wars which the hawks are now rallying for.<\/p>\n

If we cannot come to terms with this and accept and firmly establish a new balance of power, space will be left for a whole host of aggressive predators to take advantage of the chaos.<\/p>\n

We must stop playing good guys and bad guys on the world stage if we want to end the conflict and destruction.<\/p>\n

We will never find peace in the world from tearing down and destroying each other.<\/p>\n

Of more concern should be the putting in place of new ideas on how to \u2018balance power\u2019 in our homes and communities\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

…<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

O<\/span>ne good result of the challenges we have faced in our family recently is that Steve is at last seeing the need for him to protect both his and my positions of authority in our family.<\/p>\n

Together we have been working to put a new organisational structure in place in the past few months (playing The Good King and Queen). The groundwork that has been laid with this is really coming into play now.<\/p>\n

The struggles we have faced this year have helped him begin to see just how much he depends on me.<\/p>\n

Just like in chess, a player relies most on their queen when their own position is challenged.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

…<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

M<\/span>eanwhile, our work developing The Good King and Queen will continue here with the aid of the few generous souls who have supported us so far in helping this programme become a reality.<\/p>\n

The truth is however, we are hopelessly under-staffed, and as our own family concerns must come first, progress may be slow as we continue developing this new programme in our own home.<\/p>\n

Over the next few days I will be renovating the Members area to make all our resources easier to access. My time, however, is very limited at present with the many family concerns I am facing. So from now on I will be available in the Members area only once a month for a live group chat where members should feel free to ask questions. We will be scheduling the next chat shortly, so members please look out for an email.<\/p>\n

As always, our group members are encouraged to support each other.<\/p>\n

Steve will be available much more often at the new desk we have just set up for him. We have not left our post\u2014we are still here fighting the good fight\u2014but I cannot keep beating myself up for not being able to be in more places than is physically possible.<\/p>\n

I hope you will join us in fighting the good fight!<\/p>\n

If you would like to begin setting up an organisational structure to balance power in your own home, begin reading here for more details:<\/p>\n

Men and Women Must Organise to Defend Their Families (Updated)<\/a><\/h2>\n[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row]\n<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Rather than allowing myself to be pushed aside, as many women do at the stage when their children grow up and their parents pass on, I am stepping up and claiming my true role as co-regent of our family.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":321,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[334],"tags":[393,307],"post_series":[],"class_list":["post-8201","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-codependency-self-help","tag-current-posts","tag-free-articles","entry","no-media"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8201","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/321"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8201"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8201\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8201"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8201"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8201"},{"taxonomy":"post_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/post_series?post=8201"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}