{"id":7443,"date":"2018-10-04T12:47:56","date_gmt":"2018-10-04T02:47:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/?p=7443"},"modified":"2019-04-20T15:07:40","modified_gmt":"2019-04-20T05:07:40","slug":"debriefing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/debriefing\/","title":{"rendered":"Debriefing"},"content":{"rendered":"
[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]\n

Good Fathers and Mothers
\nTable of Contents Links<\/a><\/p>\n[\/vc_column_text]

1. Rules of Induction<\/span>...<\/span>Building a Better Family<\/span><\/div>
2. Debriefing<\/span>...<\/span>Undoing Roadblocks to Co-operation<\/span><\/div>
3. Assembling<\/span>...<\/span>Everyone Needs a Role<\/span><\/div>
4. The Terrain<\/span>...<\/span>5 Areas for Balance<\/span><\/div>
5. Reaching Agreements<\/span>...<\/span>The Decision Making Process (DMP)<\/span><\/div><\/div>
<\/div>
<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/div>
<\/div>[\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]\n

Undoing Roadblocks to Co-operation<\/h2>\n

Conducting a DMP is tough when it shouldn’t be<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

P<\/span>eople are naturally wired to co-operate. This is why many of us enjoy watching a well-played football or basketball game, couples ice skating, or any set of people working together to make something look easy that would otherwise be difficult.[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text responsive_text=”true” italic=”true” font_size=”20″ text_align=”left” css=”.vc_custom_1544698858445{margin-top: 15px !important;margin-bottom: 15px !important;}”]\n

When spending time together, what could be more natural than everyone sitting down and taking turns discussing what each person wants before coming up with a plan that satisfies everyone? Like when friends take time deciding what kind of pizza to order so everyone has a fun night.<\/span><\/p>\n[\/vc_column_text][vc_column_text]Unfortunately, our natural capacity to co-operate has been interfered with.<\/p>\n

This idea is not a new one. It dates as far back as Genesis in the Bible. In the story of the Tower of Babel,\u00a0the Lord\u00a0says,<\/p>\n

If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this (building the tower), then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.\u00a0Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other.”<\/em><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Who \u201cus\u201d was referring to is something for biblical scholars to argue. Our point here is simply that this is an ancient idea.<\/p>\n

Cut to the present and you will soon see there are a number of \u2018bad programmes\u2019 that, unless dealt with, will cause us to fight.<\/p>\n

Bad programmes are basically bad ideas that act like a kind of computer virus that can ‘infect’ whole crowds of people they touch.<\/p>\n

The contagion is spread in a number of ways\u2026 advertising being one of the main culprits.<\/p>\n

Most people feel that advertising does not influence them but if this was true, why would so much money be spent on it?<\/p>\n

Advertising works its way deep into our subconscious, with some very negative results.<\/p>\n

If this sounds speculative, consider this:<\/p>\n

‘Programming’ a person really just means getting them to do something.
\nAdvertising aims at doing just that.<\/strong><\/p>\n

The whole purpose of most ads is to make us believe we urgently need to purchase a product we probably don\u2019t need.<\/p>\n

The first tactic advertisers use is to target our insecurity, making us believe we are inadequate without their product. The second is scarcity, urging us to buy right away by pretending the product\u2014or time\u2014is running out.<\/p>\n

In this way, advertising programmes us with two very destructive beliefs, insecurity and scarcity. Often hundreds of times a day.<\/p>\n

Insecurity promotes defensiveness, while scarcity promotes competition\u2014and in this way advertising unwittingly programmes us to fight.<\/p>\n

Simon Who?<\/h3>\n

The bad programmes go even deeper than advertising. Consider for instance what benefit we create for our families by playing Simon Says<\/i> with our children? Isn\u2019t this simply training them not to co-operate by getting them, through repetition, to override their natural impulse to respond to even simple commands?<\/p>\n

If you want your family to learn to work together, you will need to work at unlearning these types of faulty programmes. Learning to identify these bad programmes and call them out, will help you stop them interfering with your family\u2019s decision-making and plans. This may take patience and considerable time.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t give up\u2014the goal is worth it. Cooperation is our natural state and hence natural to relearn.
\n<\/i><\/p>\n

Deprogramming Must Come First<\/h3>\n

Before we continue our list of bad programmes, let’s get very clear on one thing\u2014if a family member cannot let go of aggressive<\/em> faulty programming, such as using anger or malicious forms of mental and emotional aggression<\/a>\u2014such as gaslighting\/crazy making or guilt tripping, you may need to first work through the steps in\u00a0Back From the Looking Glass<\/a>\u201413 Steps to a Peaceful Home, before your family is able to run a successful DMP.<\/p>\n

In brief, on this point, never continue negotiating with a family member who is intimidating you emotionally or physically.<\/b><\/p>\n

Instead try these:-<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Set limits, e.g. \u201cAnger will not change my mind. If you continue intimidating me you will not be dealing with me, you will be talking to the police\u201d.<\/li>\n
  2. Make basic offers you will not budge on, e.g. \u201cUntil you can talk to us respectfully, the most I am prepared to offer is \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014, but I will not be helping with anything else\u201d.<\/li>\n
  3. End any conversation about sharing resources or making agreements until they are ready to \u2018play the game\u2019, e.g. \u201cUntil you are ready to drop your aggression,\u00a0there will be no discussion or agreements\u2014only an offer<\/i>.\u201d<\/li>\n
  4. With strong-willed children and young adults, you may decide to set up a system where they get points for co-operating, and lose points for emotional manipulation (swearing, disrespect, whining, etc.).<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row el_id=”cg”][vc_column][vc_column_text]\n

    We Were Not Born to Fight<\/h3>\n

    Action Point:<\/strong>\u00a0Rather than grounding children or using other punitive measures when they misbehave, consider playing\u2026<\/p>\n

    The Co-operation Game<\/b><\/h4>\n

    When a child or young adult has misbehaved, restoring privileges requires a tally of between 300 and 500 points (depending on the severity of the offending behaviour).<\/p>\n