{"id":539,"date":"2012-09-13T19:55:29","date_gmt":"2012-09-13T09:55:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.narcissismcured.com\/blog\/?p=539"},"modified":"2018-09-04T16:56:23","modified_gmt":"2018-09-04T06:56:23","slug":"handling-verbal-abuse-part-6","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/handling-verbal-abuse-part-6\/","title":{"rendered":"Part 6 – Mr. or Mrs. Perfect: When the Verbal Abuse is Covert"},"content":{"rendered":"

Earning Respect Dashboard<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

T<\/span>oday we will discuss another type of defense you may come up against. But first I should share that the aim of these articles is not to judge, but to help you become aware of defensive behaviour and continue practicing ways to bring you back to expressing your authentic self.<\/p>\n

Herd Hiding<\/h2>\n

I will call the type of behaviour I will talk about here “hiding with the herd”. As with all the other defenses we have dealt with in this series (sulking, aloof and manic) the behaviour I am about to describe is simply a reaction to fear. There is no shame in this because we all use defenses now and again, because as humans we all sometimes feel scared.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, however, acting defensively may become a habit and a person may end up acting scared all the time. The real cause of what made them scared may have moved out of their life years ago and their own defensive behaviour may now be creating<\/em> what they fear.<\/p>\n

I have mentioned this problem before, but let’s refresh ourselves on the subject and look briefly at a few more examples of this . . .<\/p>\n

How we Attract Our Own Fears<\/h2>\n
    \n
  • The overweight person who feels embarrassed about themselves and eats to feel better – only bringing themselves further embarrassment.<\/li>\n
  • The person who is scared of being bullied and “zones out” with their head back and eyes glazed, attracts bullies who want to hurt them for being ‘stuck up’.<\/li>\n
  • The person who is lonely and fears abandonment acts needy, clingy, and desperate which then pushes people away.<\/li>\n
  • The person who fears betrayal and so acts controlling and dominating, and so ends up being betrayed (more on that defense soon).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    Next we meet a person who fears not being believed or validated and so tries too hard to be ‘normal’ and ‘just like everyone else’. Trying too hard makes them end up coming across as fake and hence they end up not validated or believed.<\/p>\n

    The problem with defensive behaviour is that it not only hurts the person who acts this out but also the people who become involved in the defensive game.<\/p>\n

    Learning to disengage from (and if possible disrupt this pattern), without pulling away from the very people we want to get closer to, will accomplish quite a few things . . .<\/p>\n

    a. People’s authentic self is much more pleasant to be around than their defenses
    \nb. We may learn to help them stop attracting the things that they fear
    \nc. We may prevent ourselves from experiencing the pain, guilt anger and confusion of being unwittingly drawn into a “play’ where we are ‘tricked’ into hurting someone we didn’t want to hurt (by playing along with a learned pattern of behaviour that is outmoded and not serving anyone anymore)<\/p>\n

    How they Hurt and How You Can Help<\/h2>\n

    ‘Hiding with the herd’ is tricky however because this person really isn’t doing anything overtly abusive or wrong (they are extremely careful about this in fact), but you can tell they are still not being real with you and this still can still hurt and cause a lot of friction, chaos and pain.<\/p>\n

    1. The herd hider is always looking for what is normal and ‘standard’ behaviour, because this is what they have decided is safe. When they told their parents anything to creative as a child they learned very quickly what happened if you told “tall stories” ie. you were disbelieved and treated like a silly child.<\/p>\n

    Now to stay safe they may unwitting do the same to anyone who is sharing anything too subjective. Anyone who behaves outside a very tight ‘norm’ may be treated in a slightly condescending manner in a number of subtle or not so subtle ways . . .<\/p>\n

    a. The herd hider will use manipulation to bring your ‘out of the norm’ behaviour back in line. This may include ignoring you, changing the subject or redirecting the conversation, or even scoffing or scolding you in a mild way. This may work for them in the short term but leave you feeling devalued and put down. The message you get is you are a bit weird or “too much” and you have been judged inferior to the herd follower who rather than communicate authentically, feels they need to manage you instead.<\/p>\n

    This may be subtle but can still be very hurtful. Even though herd hiders may not a have a huge number of friends, it can feel they believe they are superior to you and have a right to judge that you are not really an acceptable part of the herd.<\/p>\n

    b. They may give you a lot of compliments but leave you feeling a bit queasy about how sincere they are. The compliments can again be a way of avoiding honest communication.<\/p>\n

    d. Herd hiders may or may not be serial daters or change marriage\/business partners often, but if so, jumping from one partner to the next with no real regard for their last partner’s feelings can cause people who wanted to get close to them a lot of pain. This especially when they never had the courage to have an authentic exchange about their need to move on and the other parties feelings about this. The herd hider may seize on something the last partner did that they feel was clearly wrong as their excuse for terminating contact without any honest discussion or chance to ‘reframe’ the relationship.<\/p>\n

    If your relationship with this person is reframed, you may feel you have been delegated to the ‘charity case’ or ‘reject’ pile.<\/p>\n

    e. In organizations herd hiders may succumb to some of the worst kind of office bullying (because like smoke you can’t grasp it but it can still kill you), where people who don’t quite fit in with the herd don’t stand a chance of defending themselves as they find themselves judged and ‘managed’ with no room for honest discussion of whether there really even is a problem.<\/p>\n

    More than ever these days creativity is reflected, not just in the health of a business, but also in it’s bottom line. For creativity to flow authenticity and conflict must be tolerated. No new idea every came into being without some disagreement and honest debate (conducted on the basis that each party are equals).<\/p>\n

    As innocent as the standards and behaviour of the herd may look, herd hiders can really damage a business along with the creatives within it whose ‘outside of the box’ ideas may have been just what was required for success.<\/p>\n

    If we are not careful and R&D, creativity and innovation continue to lose out to the corporate status quo, the cautious behaviour of the herd may even lead to the collapse of the Western Empire.<\/p>\n

    2. Herd hiders tend to be good listeners and ask a lot of questions and it is tempting to try and ‘expand their minds’. This can be a mistake, however, because all you will probably find yourself doing is putting yourself more firmly on the outside of what they feel comfortable with, which for all their polite conversation really isn’t much.<\/p>\n

    Like the other defenses, what is actually needed is really the opposite of what your instincts will probably tell you. Remember that anyone in defense is trying to get you to play their game – but the game is a hurtful one and it in fact needs to be disengaged.<\/p>\n

    If you fall for trying to open the herd followers mind you may simply find yourself feeling stranger and more of a misfit than you ever suspected you were, while they shy away and feel less and less validated, because you – like the many other people they tried to get close to – are always trying to give them a ‘new reality’, as if theirs did not really matter or exist.<\/p>\n

    For this reason it is best if you can try and ask the herd follower questions and do your best to validate whatever they have to say. As you get them to open up slowly over time, hopefully you will get the chance to validate some stuff that is their own opinion and not just that of the herd.<\/p>\n

    This doesn’t mean you have to agree with them when they are wrong or going to do something disastrous (as following the herd will often lead people to do). Even just making an effort to listen and catch any little authentic feeling you pick up from them and try to forgive and ignore what sounds critical, over cautious or false, it will help.<\/p>\n

    3. Herd hiders need hugs and don’t usually get their fair share.<\/p>\n

    Ironically it is people who are overweight (and usually very conscious about being touched) who get the most hugs, while the ones who really want and need them miss out. Next time you see your friend who reminds you of a teddy bear, maybe think twice about the hug unless they offer it.<\/p>\n

    Instead give the hug to your friend who looks like their schedule revolves around tennis, business networking and the gym.<\/p>\n

    On this point ‘lights on but no one home’ aloof folk need and appreciate hugs as well.<\/p>\n

    You may be surprised that they welcome the hug and realise they don’t think they are so superior to you after all. (A good way to see that they really do want affection is by noticing how close they stand next to you when you talk.)<\/p>\n

    I know these ideas can take a while to get clear on. I might find some pictures to add to these articles eventually, to show what different kinds of defensive behaviour looks like. For herd hiding – you only need to look at the behaviour of most show hosts on TV.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Today we will discuss another type of defense you may come up against. But first I should share that the aim of these articles is not to judge anyone, but to help you become aware of defensive behaviour and continue practicing ways to bring you back to expressing your authentic self.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":321,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[324,320,325],"post_series":[353],"class_list":["post-539","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-verbal-abuse","tag-earning-respect","tag-gold-level-members","tag-members","post_series-verbal-abuse","entry","no-media"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/539","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/321"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=539"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/539\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=539"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=539"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=539"},{"taxonomy":"post_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/post_series?post=539"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}