{"id":503,"date":"2012-09-13T20:00:36","date_gmt":"2012-09-13T10:00:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.narcissismcured.com\/blog\/?p=503"},"modified":"2024-01-28T21:27:09","modified_gmt":"2024-01-28T10:27:09","slug":"handling-verbal-abuse-part-1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/handling-verbal-abuse-part-1\/","title":{"rendered":"Part 1 &#8211; A Crash Course in Raising Your Status"},"content":{"rendered":"<p style=\"text-align: right;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/post-series\/verbal-abuse\/\">Earning Respect Dashboard<\/a><\/p>\n<h2>The Power Taboo<\/h2>\n<p><span class=\"dropcap\">W<\/span>hether you admit it to yourself or not, at a subconscious level, humans are constantly scanning and assessing whether we have more or less status than the people around us. The pecking order is real.<\/p>\n<p>Denying that we judge people this way won&#8217;t prevent us from abusing power; the more we are aware of these internal assessments, the more sensitive we will likely be to not abusing power in the hierarchies we live within.<\/p>\n<p>People don&#8217;t like talking about personal power; it is one of the few taboos left in our society, but how much power and influence each of us wields plays a major role in verbal abuse.<\/p>\n<p>Verbal abuse often occurs when a person uses a person lower in the pecking order to dump their stress and negative feelings on, often simply because they can get away with it.<\/p>\n<p>No matter how personal this type of abuse might feel, it is probably not personal at all. The offender will be likely to dump on anyone they believe they can get away with.<\/p>\n<h2>Underlings as Emotional Dumpsters<\/h2>\n<p>Bosses and supervisors are sometimes guilty of this with their employees and parents with their children.<\/p>\n<p>If you have kids, please stop and think about this. The next time you find yourself grilling your child about why they didn&#8217;t go to the bathroom before you left home when you are tired and grumpy, ask yourself, would I talk like this to someone my age or older?<\/p>\n<p>Most of us are guilty of this at some point, if not with our children, then perhaps with a younger brother or sister or someone else in a position &#8216;below&#8217; us.<\/p>\n<p>Because of this, any attempt to avoid verbal abuse must start with you making some serious moves to improve your position in the pecking order.<\/p>\n<p>This does not mean you need to become ruthless but move into a position of greater authority in your home or work environment. Once there, you will hopefully be able to set a better tone in how people are treated.<\/p>\n<h2>Are Positions of Power Allocated at Birth?<\/h2>\n<p>Don&#8217;t think your status is only about sex, race, money, or privilege.<\/p>\n<p>Wealthy people spend time and money educating their children to conduct themselves in ways that will command respect, but many don&#8217;t, and many fail. Happily, there are skills that anyone can learn to improve their standing.<\/p>\n<p>I will offer some practical scripts for countering verbal abuse soon, but first, let&#8217;s look at the factors affecting a person&#8217;s power within the hierarchy, why this causes fights, and how you can improve your standing &#8230;[private_silver level] [private_gold level]\n<h2>The Basics<\/h2>\n<p>An individual&#8217;s power is based on how much money, energy and time a person has. You can increase all three of these areas in your life by focusing on some well-chosen goals and systematically improving your daily habits.<\/p>\n<p>A few factors to consider;<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Your financial and emotional stability,<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>How trustworthy you are,<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>Your ability to clearly ask for what you need and expect from others.<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>Your ability to put across your point of view without putting anyone down.<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>Your addictions, including time and money-wasting habits.<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>There is also a lot of practical advice on becoming someone others have empathy for and who commands respect in my two short ebooks (with pictures) titled <strong>The Little Book of Empathy, Love and Friendship<\/strong> and <strong>Emotional Stupidity<\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p>Because this will be a long article, I want to put all the scripts at the end, where you can find them easily when needed. But before we get to these, first, I want to add a little more about why a power imbalance causes fights . . .<\/p>\n<h2>Righting the Power Imbalance<\/h2>\n<p>Unlike the relentless and sometimes grinding abuse that disempowered\/disenfranchised children\/workers may face, spousal abuse is somewhat different and, on the surface, less easy to identify and understand.<\/p>\n<p>Conflict between couples will sometimes arise when one partner is assumed to hold less power in the relationship but then does something that is seen as a challenge to their partner&#8217;s status.<\/p>\n<p>Steve used to claim the problem with our lives was that I didn&#8217;t let him be &#8220;the boss&#8221;.<\/p>\n<p>Whether I liked it or not, however, he was making most of the decisions, and the trouble was really (as I demonstrated later) that I had little power at all.<\/p>\n<p>Steve was in charge, and although he had no real idea of how to provide for us or manage a family, he interpreted any move I made to improve things as a threat to his standing.<\/p>\n<p>When I was down, he would blame me and say, &#8220;Come on, Kim, get in and help us!&#8221; but when I did, he would feel threatened and knock me down again, sabotaging anything I tried to do and taking over.<\/p>\n<p>He would also bad mouth me (especially to his family) whenever he felt that he might be losing his position. All the while, he still had hold of all the levers of power, including our finances. Unwisely, I had also given him sway over my self-worth and confidence.<\/p>\n<p>Years later, we had a Chinese student living with us (helping with the rent) who did something I will never forget: the kids were sitting around the table, and this young man said, &#8220;OK, who wants to be the boss?&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>The kids all jumped up and down in their chairs, saying, &#8220;Me, me, me! I want to be the boss!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>Our boarder said to each of them, &#8220;OK, so you want to be the boss. Are you going to take care of your whole family and make sure they are safe and all get fed?&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>The kids squealed, &#8220;No, no! I don&#8217;t want to do that&#8221;.<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Well then, you can&#8217;t be the leader because the leader has to be responsible for everyone, and that is why your mother and father have to be in charge.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>I am sharing this story because this idea (which I had realised many years before hearing this story) made me decide that it was OK for me to &#8216;seize power&#8217; from Steve when he was at his worst.<\/p>\n<p>Steve was only thinking of himself and not about us, and so it would have been irresponsible for me to let him remain in charge.<\/p>\n<p>My first ebook, Back from the Looking Glass, could be described as the &#8216;mutiny&#8217; I staged, which ultimately turned around our marriage.<\/p>\n<p>I was honest and transparent about my &#8216;mutiny&#8217;. I said, &#8220;Since you seem intent on dragging your life and reputation into the gutter with no regard for us, we are going to do things my way until you become more responsible. You are no longer fit to be in charge of this family!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>One of the first things I did in my mutiny was put stickers on every cupboard and drawer in the house saying what belonged inside.<\/p>\n<p>The kids were just getting old enough to read, so stickers were something Steve couldn&#8217;t argue with. Before that, the power struggle between us had been so bad that he would not even cooperate in putting things away in places where I had decided they should go. How much time do you think he wanted to spend on making those decisions? When I did try to discuss where he thought that things should go, it always turned into an argument. Until I found the sticker solution, every drawer and cupboard in our house was a junk drawer, but the stickers worked, and soon got that sorted.<\/p>\n<p>If Steve put things in the wrong drawers after that, the kids would tell him he couldn&#8217;t read!<\/p>\n<p>Once I had taken charge, I did my best to always be fair. We have an equal relationship now, which has led to good rapport between us, and I believe this equality is why we rarely fight now.<\/p>\n<h2>Don&#8217;t Mistake Emotional Overwhelm for Cruelty<\/h2>\n<p>In my early marriage to Steve (and in other past relationships), I had been guilty of verbal abuse. This was usually when (I am ashamed to say) I did not understand that men tend to become emotionally overwhelmed much faster than women.<\/p>\n<p>In difficult conversations, I mistook silence as stonewalling, a kind of deliberate insult or torture that would cause me to become hurtful at the worst possible moments.<\/p>\n<p>I feel terrible about this now; no matter how much you think someone is being deliberately unresponsive, it is much better to overcome the urge to use angry words because you may not fully appreciate what is going on in your partner&#8217;s emotional world. Instead, you might consider hitting the pause button and taking some time out for yourself.<\/p>\n<p>Maybe you can use empathy and remember a time when you couldn&#8217;t talk because you were emotionally overwhelmed?<\/p>\n<h2>Vying for Position<\/h2>\n<p>Verbal abuse can also occur when people are uncertain of their position in the hierarchy and are vying for power. You can witness this often with children, their brothers and sisters, co-workers, and kids at school.<\/p>\n<p>So, where is a healthy place to aim at rising in the power hierarchy I am describing?<\/p>\n<p>There will always be those who are weaker and those who are more powerful than us, and it is wise to remind ourselves of this.<\/p>\n<p>A healthy question to ask yourself might be how many people you are comfortable being responsible for in the framework you are now working within. The headmaster or principal of a school will, for instance, have responsibility for a greater number of students than a teacher does, even though the teacher&#8217;s responsibilities may be more comprehensive.<\/p>\n<p>If one person takes more responsibility for the kids (or the elderly) in a family, that person should probably have more say regarding decisions.<\/p>\n<h2>End Verbally Abusive Conversations Before They Begin<\/h2>\n<p>Suppose you are living or working within a family or organisation where a person in a role of authority is not being responsible about their treatment of others and not talking respectfully to those with less power and authority. In that case, it will be necessary to know how to protect yourself by avoiding conversations you know may lead to you being verbally abused. You may also need to learn how to protect yourself and minimise the emotional damage their harsh words may cause. This will not work long-term unless you also change your habits to increase your overall standing in the hierarchy.<\/p>\n<h2>You Won&#8217;t Win this Battle Head On<\/h2>\n<p>If you don&#8217;t know how to play chess, I suggest you watch a game or two or even take time and learn. The strategies needed to &#8216;bring down your opponent&#8217;s king&#8217; will help you to understand that this process is not about direct assault but instead having control of more of the squares on the board than your partner&#8217;s false pride (their &#8216;king&#8217; in this analogy). The king isn&#8217;t attacked but, once cornered, concedes defeat.<\/p>\n<p>I realised the benefits of understanding this kind of strategy at one point in my journey with Steve. I had been trying to get a business off the ground without success for several years when, while playing chess, one day, a specific position on the board struck me. I realised that a person could not &#8216;move ahead&#8217; with their strategy in &#8216;the game&#8217; if they are repeatedly put &#8216;in check&#8217;; in other words, I wasn&#8217;t going to be able to move forward in any area of my life as long as Steve was working against me.<\/p>\n<p>It was about this same time that I found the courage to get the police involved to help me end the physical intimidation I had lived with for a number of years.<\/p>\n<p>Suppose you are in a relationship that is physically aggressive or intimidating. In that case, before you even consider tackling the verbal abuse problem, it is imperative you implement and enforce a zero intimidation policy and become 100% ready and committed to calling in protection at the earliest signs of that behaviour.<\/p>\n<p>It is difficult to get police protection for domestic abuse these days, let alone verbal abuse (but do not let this dissuade you if you are facing physical abuse &#8211; there is advice in <a href=\"http:\/\/thencmarriage.com\/books\/back-from-the-looking-glass\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Back from the Looking Glass<\/a> on how to best approach the police) and because of this I get more enquiries on how to deal with verbal abuse than any other question that people ask me. Unfortunately, there is not a &#8216;one size fits all&#8217; solution, but I will end this article with scripts I have found effective.<\/p>\n<p>If the abuser in your life is a close family member who you care about, bringing down their false pride will need to be your aim, but at the same time, it is crucial you respect and remember the &#8216;real person&#8217; beneath their haughty exterior. You must build trust with the real person and try to help them feel secure while at the same time putting limits on their aggressive and arrogant behaviour. Similarly, parents are now wisely taught to limit their children&#8217;s bad behaviour without limiting the child. This is good advice that I believe is also true for adults. It can be a fine line to tread, but the better you become at reassuring the person you are dealing with that you love and accept them but will not tolerate being yelled at, put down or insulted, the better results you will get.<\/p>\n<h2>You Cannot Win an Argument with a Verbal Abuser.<\/h2>\n<p>Most importantly,\u00a0 these scripts need to be used to &#8216;close the door&#8217; on the conversation when you feel uncomfortable about where it is going. Thinking you can win an argument with a person who is set on verbally dominating you will not work. It does not matter how clearly you show them they are wrong or that they are being unjust; at the point of them being abusive, their ego is in charge, and it is doubtful they will back down and say, &#8220;Oh, sorry, you are right&#8221;.\u00a0 Refusing to engage without rejecting the person entirely will, however, force them to reconsider how they approach you in the future.<\/p>\n<h2>Some Scripts for Dealing with Verbal Abuse<\/h2>\n<p>&#8220;I don&#8217;t like where this conversation is going and I&#8217;m not prepared to talk about this anymore, I need to get to work\/home\/cleaning up (or whatever).&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>When you say this, you must disengage and do what you said you needed to do.<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;I am concerned that you think you can talk to me this way; if this continues, I will need to talk to [choose the most appropriate person for the situation who has some authority over the abuser such as a superior at work, your minister, doctor, the local police, the school principal (if it relates to the kids) but that is NOT a friend of theirs or member of their family] to get some advice, because I don&#8217;t know how to handle you when you are like this.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>Note: It is crucial that you give this first as a warning and don&#8217;t make this call too soon. Still, it certainly cannot be an empty threat. If the abuse continues, you must find the courage to speak to someone who has some authority over the abuser.<\/p>\n<p>Don&#8217;t expect that this person is going to fix this problem for you however. What you are doing is showing your spouse that you are not going to be silent; you mean what you say and that you are not a pushover.<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;I feel hurt by what you are saying and don&#8217;t want to say anything I might regret later, so I am going to go and calm down now. I hope we can discuss this in a day or two when you feel calmer.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>You can also say (and regularly)<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Stop putting me down.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;You are not better than me.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;I won&#8217;t give you a hard time if you don&#8217;t give me one.&#8221; (said with one arched eyebrow and your chin tilted down, or looking over your glasses)<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;You have had a bad day; why don&#8217;t you relax for a while? I will talk to you later.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Sometimes I am, and sometimes I&#8217;m not,&#8221; said in response to statements such as, you are stupid, careless, clumsy, etc.<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;I need to cool off before we talk about this any further, and I hope you will, too. I will talk to you at\u00a0 (time) when I have finished &#8212;&#8212;.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>At this point, I should mention that it is crucial you let your partner know when you will get back to them if you leave. It will undoubtedly escalate the situation if you simply storm off and don&#8217;t say where you are going or when you will talk to them again.<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;I am going to need an hour or two to calm down. I will call\/see you at (time). I hope you decide to calm down, too, before we see each other again.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;I am going for a walk to calm down; I will return soon. I don&#8217;t want to discuss this tonight as we are both too emotional. Let&#8217;s agree to give it a day or two. I love you, but I will not discuss anything with you while you are shouting at me.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;I can see that you are upset\/angry\/distressed about this, but I cannot talk now as I feel overwhelmed, and I need time to think about what you have said to me. I will call\/see you (time).&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>Besides these scripts, you can use clear body language, such as putting your hands out in front of you with your fingers pointing towards the sky at a slight distance from your body before you turn and walk away.<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;I am not going to argue with you; when you are ready to consider my point of view and discuss something that suits us, then we can talk more.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;I need sanctuary now; please do not come in here again until you have calmed down. Let&#8217;s agree to talk about this tomorrow.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>The finality in your voice with these statements is essential, as is keeping your voice even and in a deeper tone.<\/p>\n<p><span class=\"wpex-responsive-media\"><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"The Impact of Tonality (Video) - Charisma Matrix\" width=\"980\" height=\"551\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/kFgJCPzkuy8?feature=oembed\"  allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #800000;\">Commanding respect is essential, but thinking that you need your partner to be nice to you or resolve the fight in the heat of the moment is a HUGE mistake. Learning to self-soothe, calm yourself down, and find your own source of inner happiness\u2013 regardless of how others treat you\u2013is the most critical skill you can ever learn.<br \/>\n<\/span><\/p>\n<h2>Dealing with Emotions that are NOT Yours (but that you have been infected with)<\/h2>\n<p>Did you know that emotions are contagious?<\/p>\n<p>If other people&#8217;s anger or negativity surrounds you, you will pick it up, but if it is not yours, you cannot resolve it. Because of this, you must learn to let go of bad feelings you have picked up from others and get back to feeling happy as soon as possible.<\/p>\n<p>If you are feeling angry, hurt, depressed, etc., ask yourself if the emotion is yours or if you have picked it up from someone else around you.<\/p>\n<p>If it&#8217;s not yours, here is an exercise that might help . . .<\/p>\n<p>Go ahead and feel the emotion in your lungs and heart area, and then imagine it in a balloon inside you that keeps getting bigger as you breathe. When it finally gets larger than your body, see the balloon now become more like a soap bubble that will eventually pop on its own, and all of the bad feelings float away . . .<\/p>\n<p>Now imagine your happiness like a spring bubbling up inside you, washing away anything left of the bad feelings and making you feel better. After this, when you feel ready, begin very gently to share your own natural happiness with the people around you.<\/p>\n<p>If your happiness is genuine, this will help the people around you decide to be happy, too. This, however, is not the same as pretending to be happy!<\/p>\n<p>This exercise will take longer when you first try it, but you will soon get better at it with practice. If you can, be sympathetic to why the person\/people you are with are angry. Giving them some validation and understanding (once you are feeling better) will usually help.<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;I know that work is tough for you at the moment; I can only guess that you must be feeling stress about providing for us.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Being a mother is a tough job and must get lonely; you must miss your independence and feel overwhelmed by it Sometimes. It takes most women a long time to adjust to being a mother.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>You cannot regulate the feeling if the feeling is not yours in the first place. You can only clear it and bring your own happiness back, then offer empathy. Then, you must let your partner deal with regulating the emotion.<\/p>\n<h2>Add the Missing Virtue<\/h2>\n<p>If there is a positive virtue missing in a situation, rather than escalate the negative emotions, <em>once you are able to access your own sense of happiness<\/em>, you can then think about what virtue is missing and attempt to add it.<\/p>\n<p>For instance &#8230;<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Someone who is showing little understanding may need some understanding.<\/li>\n<li>A person who is showing little valour may need protecting or defending (from unrealistic expectations or too much pressure at work or from the expectations or pressure from their friends or family).<\/li>\n<li>A person showing little humility may need others around them to demonstrate humility.<\/li>\n<li>An irresponsible person needs a very responsible family.<\/li>\n<li>An insensitive person may need to be treated with extra consideration and care.<\/li>\n<li>A person who rarely appreciates others may need to feel appreciated.<\/li>\n<li>A person who lacks empathy may be anxious and need someone to feel for them and put themselves in their shoes.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>This is not the same as &#8216;turning the other cheek&#8217;. What I am suggesting here is not offering yourself as a victim but instead as a positive influence. If someone is regularly abusing you verbally (or in any way), you are not doing them a favour to let them continue behaving this way. Calling in the help of an outside agency may be necessary, but it will work best if it is done out of concern for the abuser rather than as retaliation or punishment.<\/p>\n<h2>Has this Happened Before?<\/h2>\n<p>Again, these ideas will not work in the heat of the moment unless you have taken time to think about these new strategies and practice them when possible. The truth is that if you are being verbally abused, this situation probably occurs regularly.\u00a0 You must start preparing yourself to respond better next time in a way that defends yourself (or those around you who may also need protection). In some instances, it may be necessary and possible to entirely cut contact with the person in question, but this is not always a guarantee that the abuse will end. Trying to break contact can also escalate the problem, so please take care.<\/p>\n<p>No one gets used to being abused, and your skin doesn&#8217;t naturally grow thicker over time. It has been proven that if a person is constantly subjected to verbal abuse, they become more sensitive to it and may suffer anxiety attacks or PTSD. It can be a mean old world out there, and even though some people may try, it is impossible to avoid being abused by becoming cold, hard and nasty.<\/p>\n<p>It is much healthier to face the fact that as unpleasant as it may be, sometimes all of us will face the wrath and disdain of another or end up being balled out or put down, and so it is well worth the time practising these techniques that can be used to help you deal with this type of dehumanising situation.<\/p>\n<p>I also suggest you think about this;<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>No matter how successful you are\u00a0 &#8211; not everyone is going to like everything you do . . .<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>Hang in there!<\/p>\n<p>Kim Cooper<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The pecking order is very real and whether you admit it to yourself or not, we make assessments all the time of whether the people around us have more or less power and influence than we do.<\/p>\n<p>Denying that we judge people in this way won&#8217;t make us innocent of power abuses, in fact the more we are aware of these internal assessments, the less likely we will be to abuse power in the hierarchies we live within.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":321,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[324,320,167,325],"post_series":[353],"class_list":["post-503","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-verbal-abuse","tag-earning-respect","tag-gold-level-members","tag-kim-cooper","tag-members","post_series-verbal-abuse","entry","no-media"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/503","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/321"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=503"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/503\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=503"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=503"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=503"},{"taxonomy":"post_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/post_series?post=503"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}