{"id":2842,"date":"2015-03-18T19:28:05","date_gmt":"2015-03-18T08:28:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.narcissismcured.com\/blog\/?p=2842"},"modified":"2020-11-17T13:20:25","modified_gmt":"2020-11-17T02:20:25","slug":"read-this-first-part-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/read-this-first-part-3\/","title":{"rendered":"Read This First – Part 3"},"content":{"rendered":"

Continued from What Success Looks Like\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n

When Magic Scissors Don’t Work<\/h2>\n

I can’t tell you the number of people who\u00a0thank me for sharing the idea of magic scissors with them. (You can read about this concept and self soothing in Back From the Looking Glass<\/a>.)<\/p>\n

Now and then however I come across a person who can’t make their magic scissors work.\u00a0Every time their spouse is disrespectful or unkind or their efforts to get their attention or sympathy don’t work . . . \u00a0they fall apart and can’t find a place of self care to put things back together again.”<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I don’t doubt the pain these people are feeling at the time; but I do want to make it clear that this drama is something we create in ourselves.<\/p>\n

And because we create it we can also make the decision for it to stop.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

To highlight this I want to share\u00a0an imaginary example;<\/p>\n

I am sitting talking to a woman named Sally who has caught her husband flirting online. She is crying and tearing herself to pieces over this and giving a hundred reasons why\u00a0she can’t self soothe and pull herself together on her own. <\/em><\/p>\n

“I can’t help it” Sally says as she wails and cries some more.<\/em><\/p>\n

I say, “But Sally your kids are all sad and hungry and need you to be stronger than this!”<\/em><\/p>\n

“I can’t help it”, Sally says and continues to cry and wail.<\/em><\/p>\n

I say, “But Sally you are hurting yourself and this stress is no good for your heart. The doctor warned you about this, really you must stop!”<\/em><\/p>\n

“I can’t help it”, Sally\u00a0says and continues to cry and wail.<\/em><\/p>\n

I say, “But Sally you are losing your family and friends respect carrying on in this way and besides, you being upset is not going to soften his heart!”<\/em><\/p>\n

“I can’t help it”, Sally\u00a0says and continues to cry and wail.<\/em><\/p>\n

The next minute\u00a0there is a noise out front\u00a0and Sally\u00a0sees a tow truck about to tow her car away. There are news cameras too\u00a0and she has no idea what is going on.<\/em><\/p>\n

Suddenly Sally\u00a0stops crying, dries her eyes and rushes out to tell them to stop and that they have made a mistake.<\/em><\/p>\n

I say, “But Sally but what about your husband flirting?”<\/em><\/p>\n

Sally says, “I can’t worry about that now I have to stop them towing my car away!”<\/em><\/p>\n

———–<\/p>\n

Next, I want you to imagine you are still at school.<\/p>\n

A teacher called Mr Edwards calls you in after class to talk to you about your bad grades.<\/p>\n

When everyone else leaves the room he starts crying and wailing and asking how you could possibly hurt him the way you have by not paying attention in his class. “You should be looking at me”, he wails, “but even today you were talking to the person next to you instead!”<\/p>\n

I wonder how you would feel in this situation? Would it encourage you to want to do better in Mr Edwards class?<\/p>\n

If your relationship is filled with emotional drama, you need to consider very carefully what you are trying to achieve with this. Because the truth is that trying to get someone to feel for you by being sick or upset is a losing battle that might even cost you your life!<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Trying to make someone feel bad that they don’t have more empathy for you (to try and squeeze more love out of them than they really feel for you) is not that different than people who use anger to try and force their will.<\/p>\n

They too will say they can’t help getting angry, but strangely they will never get angry with people who are bigger or stronger than them or in situations where it might cost them their job.<\/p>\n

Whether you are trying to make someone feel bad because they have hurt or disappointed you; beating yourself up saying you are stupid or no goo; or using anger to try and force your will\u2014all of this is learned behaviour. No matter how natural it feels it is also behaviour you can learn to stop.<\/em><\/p>\n

Next time you are feeling torn apart\u00a0by your relationship drama I want you to stop and ask yourself this;<\/p>\n

Do I really need to keep doing this to myself or could I just stop and be kind to myself?”<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Because really Sally could pull herself together<\/em> it was just a matter of how much was at stake.<\/p>\n

The problem is deep down Sally believed that by crying, somehow she would eventually convince enough people that her husband Joe was hurting her and\u00a0they would all help her to soften Joe’s heart.<\/p>\n

But Sally is wrong about this and the truth is there is more at stake than she knows.<\/p>\n

Joe isn’t impressed by her crying and complaining any more than she is impressed by his flirting online. And making herself sick by being distraught is impressing him even less.<\/p>\n

Sally might claim that this makes him callous and cruel\u2014but everyone’s empathy is selective\u2014and from where Joe sits he has had enough.<\/p>\n

I wonder what it will take for Sally to see this and how bad things will need to get before she wakes up?<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\u2014For me, it took my mother telling me I was neglecting my kids.<\/p>\n

——————————————————-<\/p>\n

This is the last of my three introductory stories.<\/p>\n

There are skills we offer that will give you more power and authority in your home life\u2014but you need to claim back emotional self-control first.<\/p>\n

Dig deep and find the self-respect and self-love that you need to soothe yourself\u2014or nothing else we offer is going to help!<\/p>\n

Let your Magic scissors do their job.<\/p>\n

Kim Cooper<\/p>\n

Note:<\/strong> Making the decision to let go of our emotional drama is always difficult. Choosing to detach and calm ourselves and self soothe is a step that requires self-discipline and a throat large enough to swallow our pride!<\/p>\n

However, when we finally see that this drama is not going to accomplish anything, except to push people away from us, most of us can make the decision to stop<\/em>.<\/p>\n

However, if you are suffering from PTSD or have other emotional baggage that you feel is really making this step impossible, we have a new team member; Dallas Fell – who is offering one on one video sessions using powerful tools (from the cutting edge of modern psychology and brain science) that will help you move past these old patterns fast.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

To check out Dallas’s Baggage Dumper package, please visit the page here . . .<\/p>\n

BAGGAGE DUMPER<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

Or for instant help in recognising these unhealthy patterns in yourself check out 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence<\/a> which includes an audio tutorial on self-soothing.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Continued from What Success Looks Like\u00a0 When Magic Scissors Don’t Work I can’t tell you the number of people who\u00a0thank me for sharing the idea of magic scissors with them. (You can read about this concept and self soothing in Back From the Looking Glass.) Now and then however I come across a person who…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":321,"featured_media":4170,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[331],"tags":[320,373,325],"post_series":[363],"class_list":["post-2842","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-narcissism-in-your-marriage","tag-gold-level-members","tag-kims-master-class","tag-members","post_series-read-these-first","entry","has-media"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2842","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/321"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2842"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2842\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4170"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2842"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2842"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2842"},{"taxonomy":"post_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/post_series?post=2842"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}