{"id":2814,"date":"2015-02-27T12:55:02","date_gmt":"2015-02-27T01:55:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.narcissismcured.com\/blog\/?p=2814"},"modified":"2016-10-01T15:23:58","modified_gmt":"2016-10-01T05:23:58","slug":"standing-up-for-yourself-part-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/standing-up-for-yourself-part-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Standing Up for Yourself – Part 2"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Dealing With Bullies Dashboard<\/a><\/p>\n[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]\n

The Relationships that Matter<\/h2>\n

Kids Need Positive Relationships with Adults More than Relationships with Other Kids<\/h4>\n

In the brilliant but harrowing book, Hold on to Your Kids, Gordon Nuefeld\u00a0describes the conclusions his team came to after years of experience working with the family and friends of teenage suicide victims. These conclusions were<\/p>\n

1. Teenage suicide is just about always caused by peer rejection and<\/p>\n

2. Kids\u00a0are protected from this rejection by having strong Vertical Attachment<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

What this means simply, is that positive relationships with adults protect kids from the trauma of being rejected by their peers.<\/p>\n

The problem is that Nuefeld\u00a0also describes how kids’ friendships with peers can make it very hard for adults to keep\u00a0their\u00a0relationships with their teenage children healthy and strong. Staying on good terms with your kids can be\u00a0a competitive battle with\u00a0their friends – but it is a battle you need to win.<\/p>\n

We outline\u00a0the 4 pillars of keeping relationships in your family healthy and strong in The Love Safety Net Workbook<\/a>, so today I only want to add a few ideas specific to ending bullying.<\/p>\n

One way that I have accomplished helping my children to form better relationships with adults is taking the trouble to make sure they transition well into a new school.\u00a0This can really help in some of the most powerful ways I have seen.<\/p>\n

In my first meeting with a new school, I try and let the interviewer know that my children are used to having very close adult relationships at home and that teachers taking the time to connect with them at the start of the year will be very important to them doing well. I also mention that when this hasn’t happened in the past my children have\u00a0struggled and had trouble with being distracted in class. I sometimes even mention schools that have made this effort at the start and ones that haven’t and the big difference this has made to my children’s grades.<\/p>\n

This can be aided by you dropping the school office\u00a0a warm hand written card, note or even small bunch of flowers to the new teacher(s) in your child’s\u00a0class(es) saying something simple such as you have heard good things about them as a teacher and you\u00a0look forward to your child being a valuable member of\u00a0their class.<\/p>\n

This will certainly help make sure the teacher notices your child and gives them their best in welcoming them into the class.<\/p>\n

Ask the office if they can please be sure to give the teacher(s) the cards\/flowers in their staff room (not the class room) because you do not want to embarrass your child. You might also\u00a0try and drop these off on Friday so they will take them home (not to their class room) so the other kids will not use this to single your child out.<\/p>\n

Moving schools may be necessary if your child has gained a stigma from being bullied and in this case the points above are vital. It is better not to talk to the new school about your child having trouble making friends at their last school. It is\u00a0much better to say that out of school your child has\u00a0good relationships with the adults in your family and neighborhood and that you feel their teachers making a solid connection with your child will be\u00a0key to them transitioning well into their school. If the school doesn’t understand or welcome this idea – you may want to consider if this is the right school for your child.<\/p>\n

You may also consider moving your child to a new school if they have a group of friends at school who are distracting them from their school work and your child is bullying you or their brother or sisters at home.<\/p>\n

In this case you should be careful not to make this move\u00a0a punishment and instead give a firm reason, such as you care about them and their failing grades, and you want to see them succeed.<\/p>\n

The same tactics can be used to make sure that at the new school this child develops connections with their teachers first – before they have time to make\u00a0too many new friends.<\/p>\n

If you want to form a better relationship with your kids I highly recommend the books; How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk and How to Talk \u00a0So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk. These books feature short cartoons you can turn to as refreshers every day before you talk to your children.<\/p>\n

You Are Not an Island \u00a0 \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

I was bullied by my sister as a child and this was very hard to avoid when my parents were not home (or were asleep) and I didn\u2019t have anywhere else to go. I needed an adult to help me by either making sure I was not left alone with her so often or helping me with some ideas of places that were safe to hang out near my home.\u00a0Moving closer to our local library\u00a0would have helped me much more than my parents\u00a0embarrassing me (as they did) by trying to help me find friends.<\/p>\n

Likewise if you live in an isolated place with an adult bully – you may need to find an excuse (such as a health problem or job) that makes it vital you move closer to town.<\/p>\n

If you live on your own – getting down to your local library to do your internet work or read will leave you less vulnerable to internet predators as you will be less likely to feel lonely or isolated and make poor decisions of who to interact with if you have\u00a0other people around.<\/p>\n

Isolating yourself only makes you vulnerable. Get out and do things and be seen. You can know a lot of people in your area even if you don’t consider them all friends.<\/p>\n

With neighbors it is always safe to say hello and something short about the weather, even if it is as simple as “Hi Margo, nice day isn’t it?”. Neighbors usually appreciate this kind of exchange as\u00a0warm, courteous and connected – but also signals that you respect their privacy and do not expect to be invited into their home.<\/p>\n

You may also consider joining a local church, political party or neighborhood action group. These type of organizations tend to welcome new members. The broader the base of interests and beliefs in the organization you choose the more likely you will be to find a sense of belonging in the group. Groups with very specific and rigid values and beliefs, tend to isolate them from other members of the community. These\u00a0are groups that people usually need to grow up in if they are ever really going to feel they are a member and that they belong. Consider this when you are choosing a group to join. Because regardless of your own beliefs, joining a group with a broad interest base (such as an interdenominational church) may help you find a group that is accepting, even if people in it do not believe the same things you do.<\/p>\n

Making the effort to form acquaintances in your community will help you start feeling more confident and connected to life in and out of your home.<\/p>\n

These connections will also help your children come to feel that they are an important part of a solid community. Research showsThat these kind of vertical attachments are much more important to their emotional development and success in life than being popular with their peers.<\/p>\n

Next week we will begin talking about ways to respond to put downs and verbal jabs.<\/p>\n

Kim Cooper<\/p>\n

Part 3 – Learning Comebacks to Deal With Put Downs<\/a><\/p>\n[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row]\n<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[vc_row][vc_column css=”.vc_custom_1475299432161{margin-bottom: 15px !important;}”][vc_column_text] Dealing With Bullies Dashboard [\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] The Relationships that Matter Kids Need Positive Relationships with Adults More than Relationships with Other Kids In the brilliant but harrowing book, Hold on to Your Kids, Gordon Nuefeld\u00a0describes the conclusions his team came to after years of experience working with the family and friends of…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":321,"featured_media":2875,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[329],"tags":[285,324,320],"post_series":[354],"class_list":["post-2814","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-forms-of-abuse","tag-dealing-with-bullies","tag-earning-respect","tag-gold-level-members","post_series-dealing-with-bullies","entry","has-media"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/02\/vertical_attachment.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2814","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/321"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2814"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2814\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2875"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2814"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2814"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2814"},{"taxonomy":"post_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/post_series?post=2814"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}