It is often said that narcissism is blind to itself – but I have found that\u00a0 codependence can be just as hard to spot.<\/p>\n
Today I want to help you face your codependence square in the eye.<\/p>\n
This first happened to me watching Drew Pinsky\u2019s Celebrity Rehab . . .<\/p>\n
There was a woman Dr. Pinsky was counseling who became horrified when he suggested she needed to talk to her mother about her (her mother\u2019s) alcoholism. This woman\u2019s fear was so overwhelming and so irrational but at once I saw that I had that same fear too.<\/p>\n
Even the thought of talking to my mother about her drinking made me feel like my whole world would explode.<\/p>\n
He described this irrational fear as a symptom of codependence and this is when I first really saw this clearly in myself.<\/p>\n
Just like my own later experiences – when this woman\u2019s mother finally came in and they talked – really there was nothing to fear.<\/p>\n
The thing is that growing up as a codependent, the golden rule we are indoctrinated with is to never say anything directly that might upset or embarrass somebody else — and especially our codependent role model — whether it be Mum or Dad!<\/p>\n
Another great movie I watched recently called \u201cBully\u201d shows the story of a boy being bullied at school. When his dad tells him that the bullies are not his friends, he looks really sad and says, \u201cWell who are my friends then Dad?\u201d<\/p>\n
Even sadder is the story in \u201cHold on to Your Kids\u201d, of a young girl murdered by a group of children her own age. A\u00a0witness reported later that she was drowned by having her head held under water repeatedly – but instead of trying to escape, she was crying and pleading that she just wanted to be friends.<\/p>\n
All of these stories hold a connection for me which is such a terrible fear of rejection that the person involved fears being friendless or rejected more than they fear dealing with the obvious problems in their life, being insulted or even being killed.<\/p>\n
As I discuss in the following story, \u201cThe Myths of Bullying\u201d there is only one real reason that a person is ever bullied and that is that they don\u2019t know how to stand up for themselves.<\/p>\n
Learning those skills is not so difficult – but will be impossible if you fear rejection or being alone.<\/p>\n
Because without the courage to rock the boat sometimes – you are never going to earn people\u2019s respect.<\/p>\n
In my own journey there was a time when I walked away from so many unhealthy friendships — that besides Steve and my kids, I was totally friendless and alone. I had to put myself out there and take some risks, but eventually I did find much better people to fill my life with.<\/p>\n
This is why it is better to judge the success of our program over 3 month increments or even over years. Because when you develop better people skills this may cause your friend circles to change. At first it may even mean you are lonely for awhile because as your self respect improves you will not be as desperate to please everyone and be everyone’s friend.<\/p>\n
Rejection is so hard to take, that most of us would rather walk away (and reject the other person first) than risk being rejected ourselves.<\/p>\n
That reaction (to flee) can become so knee jerk that we never allow anyone to get close or any relationship to develop and grow.<\/p>\n
Until someone comes along that doesn\u2019t want to leave – but wants to hang around insulting us instead!<\/p>\n
If you are living with friends or family who abuse you, today I want to help you look that fear square in the eye.<\/p>\n
Because for our program to work for you – it is vital you learn to stop fearing your partner leaving or you being rejected by your peers.<\/p>\n
Believe me there are much worse things down the road for a Narcissistic\/Codependent relationship than your partner walking out when you begin setting real boundaries on the abuse.<\/p>\n
Because when you demonstrate that you are serious about not tolerating their abusive behaviour any longer, yes, the reality is that they may leave and never come back.<\/p>\n
But if this is the case, I can guarantee you are going to do much better on your own.<\/p>\n
More likely is that they will be angry for awhile and as they see you grow stronger, you will start to earn their love and respect.<\/p>\n
Now as a challenge today I want to encourage you to face the codependence in all of your life!!!<\/p>\n
Are you scared if you do this they may never talk to you again? Think about this and be honest with yourself if that would really be so bad?<\/p>\n
These are hard steps sure and not for the timid and feint of heart. But I can tell you from experience that only for those seriously wanting more genuine love, rapport and meaning in their lives, overcoming your fear of rejection is the only real place to start.<\/p>\n
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Kim Cooper<\/p>\n
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