{"id":2711,"date":"2015-01-24T14:44:17","date_gmt":"2015-01-24T03:44:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.narcissismcured.com\/blog\/?p=2711"},"modified":"2020-11-17T12:48:42","modified_gmt":"2020-11-17T01:48:42","slug":"read-this-article-first","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/read-this-article-first\/","title":{"rendered":"Read this First – Part 1"},"content":{"rendered":"
[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]\n

Master Class Dashboard<\/a><\/p>\n[\/vc_column_text]

<\/div>[vc_column_text]W<\/span>hether you have been following my work for many years, or you are new here and just getting started; today I want to introduce a few ideas that I hope will make your journey into the world of emotional intelligence a little faster and easier.<\/p>\n

I have mentored many people now over the years who want to improve their family life. I have noticed\u00a0differences in people who learn the people skills\u00a0I teach quickly and others who work on our advice for years and, never really change the dynamic of their home life.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

That is why I have taken the time to write three introductory articles about this that will hopefully help remove any roadblocks to your success.<\/p>\n

Move Into the Fast Learners Zone<\/h3>\n

The first step is to move out of a results-driven focus and to instead to start learning from the experience.<\/p>\n

Despite progress in their own lives we often hear people say, “But he still won’t sit down and plan with me”, or even more common, “I want to try\u2014but I \u00a0just don’t see how it’s possible that things are ever going to change.”<\/p>\n

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This kind of mindset makes learning new relationship skills (including boundary setting) very difficult. Learning what we offer will require you to stop intellectualising and instead start experiencing the process in the moment.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

So let’s break this down and let me give you an example . . .<\/p>\n

On two separate days, your husband or wife comes home from work angry; on the first, you get drawn into an argument and before you know it their bad mood is being blamed on you. You know this is not the truth because you felt fine when they walked in the door and it was obvious they were already angry about getting caught in traffic.<\/p>\n

The second day instead of getting drawn into a fight\u2014you use our advice and leave them alone to process their negative feelings on their own. You might say something sympathetic such as, “Wow it looks like you had a tough day!” but then say something like, “I have some work to finish off, I will talk to you later when you are ready to have dinner.”<\/p>\n

The person whose mind needs to intellectualise things will say, “but how is that going to change anything? I want my partner\u00a0to be glad to see me, I don’t want to have to avoid them?”<\/p>\n

Meanwhile, the person who is good at experiencing the process will learn a lot from this exercise. Instead of intellectualising, they will try it and soon realise they do not have to get drawn into their partner’s ugly moods if they choose not to. This new way of responding will feel strange at first but soon they will get a sense of freedom from going with the process. Feeling less responsible for having to make their partner happy will make them feel freer and more in control of their own plans for the evening. Having their own work and goals as a new focus<\/em> will help them start to experience a greater sense of self-esteem.<\/p>\n

Their partner may still storm off and say, “Well if you are not going to talk to me I’m going out!” when this is what they would have done anyway.<\/p>\n

The results-driven mind in this situation will say, “Look nothing changed, this exercise isn’t working. Here I am alone and miserable again, please help me figure out what to say that will make my partner feel bad about what they are doing and want to come home”.<\/p>\n

The fast learner\u2014on the other hand\u2014will say, “Wow look how I avoided getting caught up in a fight this time and how much better I feel about myself because of that.”<\/p>\n

This will help give this person the confidence to disengage the next time their partner is not only looking for an excuse to go out but is genuinely on the warpath looking to pick a fight to justify some misdeed or mistake they have made.<\/p>\n

Instead of getting drawn into World War 500 and becoming a scapegoat for their partner’s downward spiral, they will sidestep the trap and not get knocked off balance.<\/p>\n

The results-driven mind will say, “but look he is still trying to pick fights and blame his mistakes on me!”.<\/p>\n

While the fast learner will say, “Wow I didn’t get drawn in that time, look at how much stronger I am becoming.”<\/p>\n

Put Down the Perfect Picture You Are Carrying<\/h3>\n

Most important of all, the results-driven mind will keep pushing for its own agenda. The perfect picture they are carrying in their mind that they want their family to fit into.<\/p>\n

The fast learner instead will start realising that their response can change the outcome for themselves dramatically. Their husband may still find excuses to walk out them now and then\u2014but by now they are using ‘magic scissors’ (described in Back From the Looking Glass<\/a>), working on their own goals and projects and not ruminating about what they should say to their partner next.<\/p>\n

This leaves more freedom to live in the moment and when the time comes to talk to their partner again they will be more open to hearing (and seeing) their partner’s truth.<\/p>\n

Maybe the picture they once had in their mind didn’t have much to do with the reality of who their partner really is.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Maybe he was not out with anyone but was visiting his parents, or maybe it was not another woman he was with and he was out on the street selling drugs.<\/p>\n

By now the fast learner is starting to have the confidence to make choices based on reality and not on the imaginary picture.\u00a0 Even if he was out with another woman or even selling drugs (our second example), she starts being able to make real choices.<\/p>\n

– Will she find a way to get him to walk away and forget her<\/em> so she can move on?<\/p>\n

– Will she toughen up and start to enjoy playing the role of a gangster’s wife?<\/p>\n

– Or will she become a lion tamer and domesticate her gangster mate?<\/p>\n

All of these outcomes depend on her watching and learning more about who she’s really married to\u2014while her power to choose what she will and will not engage in becomes stronger and\u2014in time\u2014give her more influence.<\/p>\n

She will never have a hope of taming a cheating spouse or gangster husband as long as she is using emotional manipulation trying to fit him into a fairy tale picture of what she wants.<\/p>\n

Relationships\u00a0just don’t work like that.<\/p>\n

Fairy Tale or Family?<\/h3>\n

People look at Steve sometimes and imagine that now he is prince charming. But that’s not it and I am far from the perfect wife. He still does things that anger and annoy me and we still have trouble making plans together sometimes that we agree on. He is not the partner I once imagined would carry me off into the sunset\u2014and I dare say neither am I.<\/p>\n

But we are family and even when we argue we know that eventually, we will come to a better solution together than we would have each come up with on our own. These days I am also much clearer about why we argue and don’t let fights ‘break their banks’ and contaminate other areas of our life.<\/p>\n

In the end, you need to decide if what you want is a fairy tale romance or to learn to live peacefully and productively with someone.<\/p>\n

If you need a hint, the fairy tale romance is an illusion anyway and so I am not one bit unhappy about the choice I have made.<\/p>\n

This doesn’t mean you need to accept living with someone who exploits and disrespects you\u2014but that has more to do with your own skill at handling yourself than you can probably imagine right now.<\/p>\n

Learning to Love Usually Means Toughening Up<\/h3>\n

There is not a school on the planet where the kids never bully each other. Yet some kids get bullied and others don’t.<\/p>\n

Once you grasp that your destiny in romance really is in your own hands, fast learners will hop in,\u00a0focus and take responsibility for learning these new skills.<\/p>\n

If you don’t trust that I have skills to help improve your family life\u2014don’t learn from me.<\/p>\n

If you do, then jump on board and go with the process and see how these new ways of reacting make you feel about yourself.<\/p>\n

This will include you needing to learn to handle some unpleasant feelings as well, such as vulnerability and uncertainty.<\/p>\n

Because if you cannot toughen up to learn how to handle a little more of these, you will never have a satisfying relationship with anyone.<\/p>\n

Back to our previous example . . .<\/p>\n

So you dodged the fight and he’s stormed out anyway. Is he with someone else right now? Who knows? The more important question is, are you going to spend your whole night letting your vulnerability and uncertainty twist your heart in two?<\/p>\n

I wonder if instead, you can learn to say, “Well if he is, I am not going to waste my night worrying about it – I may not know the truth for a while yet – but if I just look after my own interests I am sure the truth will come out soon.”<\/p>\n

Then use your magic scissors and get on with your night.<\/p>\n

Because true\u00a0happiness is something you can only decide to give yourself.<\/p>\n

Your partner may not notice these changes in you overnight, but by the time they do, your experience of yourself will have changed so dramatically you will be able to just smile and say, “Thank you darling\u2014yes I’ve noticed that too.”<\/p>\n

In the next article in this series, I will share what success looks like when you stop being goal-oriented.<\/p>\n

Part 2 – What is Success?<\/a>[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row]\n<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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