{"id":2492,"date":"2014-09-30T17:45:40","date_gmt":"2014-09-30T07:45:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.narcissismcured.com\/blog\/?p=2492"},"modified":"2020-05-11T11:19:01","modified_gmt":"2020-05-11T01:19:01","slug":"reflection","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/reflection\/","title":{"rendered":"Inner Connections 1 &#8211; Review"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"wpb-content-wrapper\">[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]\n<p style=\"text-align: right;\"><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/kims-master-class-dashboard\/\">Master Class Dashboard<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: right;\"><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/post-series\/connect\/\">Inner Connections Dashboard<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]\n<h2><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Take Time For an Honest Review<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\"><span class=\"dropcap\">S<\/span><\/span>hould I leave my partner? Should I change jobs? Do I belong in this town? Am I fulfilling my life&#8217;s purpose?<\/p>\n<p>We should resist the urge to make these type of important decisions on the fly\u2014in response to something that pleased or upset us in the moment. Big questions deserve well thought out answers.<\/p>\n<p>At other times we may feel overwhelmed and avoid making decisions at all, continuing to take the path of least resistance.<\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Often we spend a lot of time avoiding things we should have looked at much sooner.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Taking time to review all of the information available honestly is the first step to choosing the best path possible. <em>T<\/em><\/span><em>aking time to reflect on our past performance, opens a pathway to using our brain well.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">The\u00a0<\/span><strong><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Inner Connections\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">process begins with a review that includes being completely honest with yourself and clear about where it is you are right now.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">You may wish to do a total life review upfront, or look at a few significant areas where you feel you\u2019ve been off track. Categories might include relationship, family, financial, spiritual, work\/career\/business, personal development, health\/fitness, social connection, social contribution, interests\/leisure, right up to life mission\/purpose. (There are parallels here in the Gap Finder process as part of The Love Safety Net Workbook for anyone who wants to look for gaps in their personal development.)<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><em><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Taking time to reflect on our past performance honestly, opens a pathway to using our brain well.\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\"><strong>Let&#8217;s get started&#8230;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Spend a moment to choose where you will do the work of reflecting on your past. Finding a quiet corner and curling up in an armchair might be ideal for some. At a work-desk might be right for others. On a long walk, in a warm bath, sitting in a car looking out over the landscape\u2014there are many potential settings. Block your calls and turn off your messages while you do this. If you have family commitments or small children, arrange to get a bit of time away. Important decisions are worth investing time into\u2014and even some funds if needed.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Record what comes up or keep things you recall in mind<\/span><em><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">.<\/span><\/em><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\"> Just make sure that you give this step adequate time and attention.<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Can you remember doing something similar in the past to what you are facing right now?<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Can you assess your performance and how others responded and appraised you?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">The trick here is to look at this as calmly as you can and see what you might learn. Even if you did poorly, or someone judged you unfairly, I wonder what you can learn by being honest with yourself about why that happened?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Was what you were expecting from the situation reasonable?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">If you were treated unfairly, I wonder what made that person feel they were able to take their problem out on you?<\/span><\/p>\n<p>If doing what you thought was right upset someone, did things still turn out for the better?<\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">If you cannot remember details you may have blocked from memory, find the courage to ask your friends and family about their recollection of the situations you will be recalling. A full review may even involve asking everyone that was involved.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">The first rule of this part of the process is that it leaves out looking for solutions. Notice where you are and how you got there, without trying to solve anything for now.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">What is most important is that you are honest with yourself and don\u2019t assess things as any better or worse than they are.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Along the way, you may notice some positive things developing, e.g.:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">I delight in my relationship with my daughter.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">I enjoy how well I\u2019m eating these days.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Appreciation is always a great base for any process of reflection.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Other areas may need action and decisions; a person might notice, for instance:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">My business profits are too low to meet my needs, or<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">My partner seems detached or uninterested in me.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Tempting as it may be to add to these, it\u2019s important not to cast judgement at this stage (e.g. \u201cI\u2019m not good at running a business\u201d) or jump to a solution, (e.g. \u201cI need to close my business and get a job\u201d). There is a world of possible responses, and you are not in a position to open yourself to these yet.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Data collection must come before rational analysis.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Once you\u2019ve set the scene for yourself, choose just one thing to follow through on with the whole\u00a0<\/span><strong><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Inner Connections\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">decision-making process.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Once you have done the whole process a few times, you will find it easier next time to apply the process to any decision.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><strong><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\"><a href=\"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/reflection\/attractive-woman-listening-to-her-boyfriend\/\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-2521\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-2521 alignright\" src=\"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/Reflection-300x300.jpg\" alt=\"Portrait of an attractive woman looking at him like she wishes she could read his mind\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\" \/><\/a>Reflection in Relationship<\/span><\/strong><\/h3>\n<p><strong>Reflection [ri-flek-shuhn] Noun: the act of reflecting or the state of being reflected<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">We often hear; \u201cDon\u2019t worry about what other people think,\u201d or we discredit others judgement of us by saying things like, \u201cThey are just jealous.\u201d These kinds of comments might be well-meaning, but in truth, people\u2019s opinions of us usually do affect our quality of life.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">So before we go any further into the process of remembering, let\u2019s look at one of the critical skills we will need to do this well.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><em><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">\u201cI was looking at you to see if you were looking at me looking at you.\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Reading a face means being able to correctly identify the emotions of the person we are conversing with\u2014while also assessing how they feel about us and what we are saying.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">If we are in a relationship that has become bitter or unhappy, reading hurt and disappointment in our partner\u2019s face may be painful.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Worse, if our partner has the bad habit of blaming their failures and shortcomings on us, reading the situation can become confusing and\u2014if we let it\u2014may even damage our self-esteem.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Noticing others response honestly, however, is crucial, alongside gaining awareness that they may be responding in ways that defend their areas of weakness. This awareness may include noticing the type of emotional rackets we discussed in Unit One.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">What kind of reality can you assess when it comes to their current attitude towards you and your relationship? Try not to judge or become emotional while you evaluate this.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Has your partner become rude because they are not attracted to you any longer? I wonder if you can look at their negative reactions honestly and accept the way things are for now?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">While not always an easy thing to do, time in reflection will give you insight. If you can accept things\u2014rather than continue using unsuccessful means to try and force things to go according to your will\u2014it will offer a starting point to choosing a healthier response to the situation.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>The more time that you have spent learning to read emotional signals (in yourself and others) in the previous units, the higher quality &#8216;data&#8217; you will have for this review. That doesn&#8217;t mean you can&#8217;t get started yet if you have not done those exercises. Work with what information you have and soon you will start appreciating the value of honest and accurate &#8217;emotional data&#8217;. This will lead you naturally back to the exercises in unit one and two.<\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">After you do this review, relax and let go.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">As you stop trying to control the situation, you will be in the perfect state to enter the next step, which is Release.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Most importantly if you are experiencing abuse in your relationship, first work through our\u00a0<\/span><a class=\"_e75a791d-denali-editor-page-rtfLink\" href=\"http:\/\/thencmarriage.com\/books\/back-from-the-looking-glass\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Steps to a Peaceful Home in Back From the Looking Glass<\/span><\/a><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Learn from the experience of others<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Is the situation you are facing something beyond your current experience? If so, you may want to do some research and gain from the experience of others.\u00a0<\/span><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Doing so will significantly assist you to mature emotionally.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">In many careers such as farming, this is essential.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">How many crop failures\u2014learning from trial and error\u2014can a person experience in their working life and still manage to hold on?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Before the invention of pain killers and birth control, humans faced many difficult moral issues. Some of these are outlined quite starkly in the novel Cider House Blues. (The movie\u2014by necessity\u2014toned these down somewhat). I recommend this novel highly if you wish to face the reality that moral dilemmas change over time and can be brutally challenging to resolve.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>A moral code should never be static.<\/p>\n<p>That is why an inner connection to our conscience\u2014which we are on our way to exploring here\u2014is so necessary.<\/p>\n<p>A story about my grandmother gives a simple example of this. My mother once explained to me that because she kept two house cats, in those times, this required her\u2014from time to time\u2014to drown their kittens.<\/p>\n<p>There was nothing unusual about my grandmother being a &#8216;kitten killer&#8217; in those times before animals could safely and inexpensively be de-sexed.<\/p>\n<p>Rats or mice in your home may pose a similar need for emotional maturity born from experience.<\/p>\n<p>They may look cute in movies, but once you have lived through a plague of rats\u2014as Steve and I once did when a new sewerage line was installed along our road\u2014you may need to reassess your feelings about killing animals.<\/p>\n<p>At one stage, we were catching more than five rats a day in a live trap left in our ceiling. When brought down the whole cage was put in water so that rats would quickly drown.<\/p>\n<p>We stopped counting after reaching a hundred.<\/p>\n<p>Any other way of killing them would have been unmanageable.<\/p>\n<p>Many houses in our street became uninhabitable after using rat poison. The carcasses remained in their ceilings, and soon the stench became unbearable.<\/p>\n<p>People who used the normal traps didn\u2019t keep up with their numbers.<\/p>\n<p>We fared much better.<\/p>\n<p>Rats destroyed the homes of people who did nothing.<\/p>\n<p>As challenging to face as these moral horror stories can be\u2014doing so may leave you with an improved opinion of humans role of importance on this planet.<\/p>\n<p>Have you ever encountered a female feral cat? Seeing the fear in her wild eyes may help you see just how much we have improved the lives of animals in our care.<\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">\u201cWhat is likely to happen if I do nothing?\u201d is just about always a helpful question to ask someone with experience.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>What is likely to happen may not be evident unless we seek answers<\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">While we may feel sure that drowning kittens or killing that cute little mouse is wrong, finding out what might happen if we don\u2019t\u2014from someone with experience\u2014will add decades of experience and maturity to our lives.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Grisly as it may be, considering potential outcomes\u2014from people with experience\u2014will help us feel steadier about decisions such as killing pests when necessary or de-sexing or euthanising a pet in our care.<span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Just as doing nothing may cause tragedy, at other times it may save us from taking a dangerous road\u2014through panic\u2014where the solution is worse than the original problem.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">I always ask this question\u2014along with enquiring about the potential side effects\u2014if a doctor recommends a drug to me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">&#8220;What will happen if we do nothing&#8221;, used to be a standard question asked at our local teaching hospital. The question was used systematically as an intended pause to make sure that staff were not rushing through too many steps without fully appraising all of the information at hand.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">I noticed when my mother died in that same hospital a few years back that unfortunately, that check is no longer in place now. Even once they knew they couldn\u2019t save her, they continued treatment that robbed her of her liberty and quality of life in her final months.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">\u201cWhat will happen if we discontinue what we are already doing?\u201d, is another question along these same lines.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">This question saved my daughter from potentially dangerous investigative procedures when she was a newborn.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">She had been placed in a light tank for jaundice without hospital staff noticing the temperature in the tank was too hot.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">When her breathing remained too fast for several days, some staff were ready to take their interventions further.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">Discontinuing treatment\u2014by monitoring her breathing out of the tank\u2014quickly solved the problem.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span data-preserver-spaces=\"true\">If what you are doing to solve your problems isn\u2019t working, maybe part of the review will require taking a similar step back.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Before the advent of pain killers and birth control, people often pondered moral issues by turning to novels and literature to gain experience of life without having to rely on our &#8216;faulty simulator&#8217; brains.<\/p>\n<p>The famous novel, Crime and Punishment is an excellent example of leading readers down the path of another man\u2019s experience\u2014to not have to find out for themselves the likely consequences of murdering someone for money.<\/p>\n<p>Who do you know who has lived through a similar experience as what you are facing? Who might recommend a good book on the subject?<\/p>\n<p>Once you have gathered as much data as possible, congratulate yourself on your courage and get ready for the next step which is <a title=\"Inner Connections 2 \u2013 Release\" href=\"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/2-meditation\/\" rel=\"\">Release<\/a>.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]<a href=\"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/2-meditation\/\">Part 2 &#8211; Release<\/a>[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row]\n<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Taking time to review all of the information available honestly is the first step to choosing the best path possible. Taking time to reflect on our past performance, opens a pathway to using our brain well.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":321,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[334],"tags":[322,320],"post_series":[358,392],"class_list":["post-2492","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-codependency-self-help","tag-connect","tag-gold-level-members","post_series-connect","post_series-kims-master-class","entry","no-media"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2492","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/321"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2492"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2492\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2492"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2492"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2492"},{"taxonomy":"post_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/post_series?post=2492"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}