{"id":2311,"date":"2014-07-22T22:02:24","date_gmt":"2014-07-22T12:02:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.narcissismcured.com\/blog\/?p=2311"},"modified":"2016-12-06T13:26:45","modified_gmt":"2016-12-06T02:26:45","slug":"the-smart-way-to-forgive","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/the-smart-way-to-forgive\/","title":{"rendered":"The Smart Way to Forgive"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Brutus\"<\/a>Continued from Julius Caesar: A Hero for Our Times<\/a><\/p>\n

We can see that Julius\u00a0Caesar was well loved from the cult of\u00a0Divus Julius<\/span>\u00a0which sprung up after his death.<\/p>\n

Likewise, by the fresh flowers that still litter his funeral pyre, we see that the type of valor Caesar showed and what he stood for in Rome still resounds in many people’s hearts today.<\/p>\n

This plus the fact he was a great orator and commander, caring for his soldiers in wartime as in peace, shows very advanced \u00a0leadership skills; including valor, compassion and forgiveness.<\/p>\n

In terms of relationship skills, lets consider a little more of what Julius\u00a0Caesar\u00a0did right:<\/p>\n

1. He did not play victim but strengthened himself, trained his army and worked hard for victory for ‘his people’ (on and off the battlefield) at all cost.<\/p>\n

2. Ruthless but also humanitarian (he cut the throats of pirates he chased down and crucified, to spare them a long and agonizing death), he gained the respect of his enemies which in turn helped earn peace.<\/p>\n

3. Forgiveness would have\u00a0freed up a lot of energy for him to use in the challenges of his day to day work.<\/p>\n

Many would say Caesar was gullible or too trusting of Brutus and the senate and that he should have been better on guard, but today I want to explore another angle, where I speculate Caesar may have gone wrong \u00a0. . .<\/p>\n

“Caesar’s form of forgiveness didn’t leave much room for other men’s pride.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

We get a glimpse\u00a0into Brutus’ mind when\u00a0he immortalized the murder of Caesar\u00a0on a gold coin: on one side was depicted the ancient Brutus who had driven the last kings out of town (509 BC)\u00a0and\u00a0on the other Brutus himself\u2014the new Brutus\u2014who he believed like his ancestor, had freed the city and the world of the new king Caesar.<\/p>\n

As the historian\u00a0Francesco Carotta states;<\/span> “I<\/span>t would appear that\u00a0in Brutus\u2019 thinking, a life by Caesar\u2019s grace was the death of a free citizen.”<\/p>\n

This was obviously not how most of the populace thought, but gives us some insight\u00a0into how Brutus felt.<\/p>\n

\n

“It is all very well to be the bigger man and forgive; but what if that leaves the person you are forgiving\u00a0feeling resentful and small?”<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

This leads us into the most difficult part of our teaching being ‘gap work’, which\u00a0you will find in the Love Safety Net Workbook\u00a0as our\u00a04th Pillar to a happy home.<\/p>\n

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“My advice to Julius Caesar would have been to be cautious that forgiving Brutus not be seen as an act of his own pride.”<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Instead the smarter way to forgive is:<\/p>\n

\n

“To genuinely offer an opportunity for the person to redeem themselves by giving them a challenge that will help them fill in their developmental gaps.”<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

In Brutus’ case we we can only speculate (as we often must even with those close to us):<\/p>\n

Brutus was an\u00a0optimas <\/i><\/span>who\u00a0defended the interests of the upper class, as opposed to Caesar who was a\u00a0populares<\/i>\u00a0advocating reform in the interests of the masses.<\/span><\/p>\n

This political difference and the fact that Brutus had found his wealth from lending money for interest (usuary), leads to the idea that for Caesar to truly trust Brutus it might be important Brutus overcome\u00a0his love of money by developing better relationships (where our true wealth resides) and learning how to share.<\/p>\n

To effect this challenge without being patronizing Caesar might have written\u00a0to Brutus;<\/p>\n

“I am going to pardon you and have\u00a0them bring\u00a0you home where you are free to do whatever you like, but if you want to earn my respect again, come and see me, because I want to work with you and I have a plan.”<\/p>\n

Then if Brutus took up this offer Caesar might have said, “Brutus I want to give you a chance to win in battle, but I cannot help you raise an army until you have truly earned my pardon and I know that we see eye to eye.” Then if Brutus showed interest Caesar might have said, “To be a strong leader in battle you need to fight alongside your men and you also need to learn\u00a0how to share. I will consider helping you raise an army, but first I want to see you spend 6 weeks in the galleys with one of my rowing crews building yourself up.”<\/p>\n

Then if Brutus said, “What? Are you kidding?”<\/p>\n

Caesar might have said, “It will build up your upper body so no one in the field can better you and it will also give you maturity\u00a0by teaching you team work and that it is worth more than money to\u00a0learn how to share.”<\/p>\n

Brutus may have been offended by this and ready to storm off, but Caesar could have been ready for that too and said, “It is your choice, but it is what I am going to need from you if I am going to\u00a0give you that chance.”<\/p>\n

So in the end Brutus may have taken the challenge (which would have undoubtably been good for him and strengthened the two men’s friendship) and he may not. Either way Caesar would have given him his freedom while also being honest about his appraisal of his potential and gaps.<\/p>\n

Offering to help your enemy build up an army may sound crazy, but Brutus would have to earn Caesar’s respect first and this would also have helped build trust. Even more important, this\u00a0plan would have less likely seen Brutus harbour resentment at being left at home as a cleric while Julius went back out to conquer distant lands.<\/p>\n

This kind of forgiveness is less high handed than charity and much more like\u00a0love.<\/p>\n

It is a challenge to give so much time and thought to the needs of people in our life who betray or disrespect us – but in the end it is in their best interest and also in ours.<\/p>\n

It is a move however that cannot be made from a position of weakness and must\u00a0be made from a position of strength. To build that strength in yourself you may want to check out 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence<\/a>.<\/p>\n

In my estimation Brutus needed to learn that if you want to truly be wealthy, with a life full of love, meaning and respect, it is vital that you learn\u00a0how to share.\u00a0Some of us were fortunate and learned this when we were young, but many of us, especially in wealthier homes, did not.<\/p>\n

Caesar on the other hand needed to learn that if he truly wanted the release that comes in\u00a0forgiving ones enemies, he needed to really spend some time putting himself in their shoes and have genuine empathy for them too.<\/p>\n

Because no matter how great the leader there are always a few gaps.<\/p>\n

Kim Cooper<\/p>\n

PS.\u00a0To find your own and your partner’s gaps and learn how to challenge them in a way that brings you closer, we have developed the gap finder exercise at the end of\u00a0the Love Safety Net Workbook<\/a>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Continued from Julius Caesar: A Hero for Our Times We can see that Julius\u00a0Caesar was well loved from the cult of\u00a0Divus Julius\u00a0which sprung up after his death. Likewise, by the fresh flowers that still litter his funeral pyre, we see that the type of valor Caesar showed and what he stood for in Rome still…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":321,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[12],"tags":[320,309],"post_series":[],"class_list":["post-2311","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-emotional-intelligence-skills","tag-gold-level-members","tag-silver-level-members","entry","no-media"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2311","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/321"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2311"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2311\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2311"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2311"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2311"},{"taxonomy":"post_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/post_series?post=2311"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}