{"id":2170,"date":"2014-06-02T19:51:33","date_gmt":"2014-06-02T09:51:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.narcissismcured.com\/blog\/?p=2170"},"modified":"2024-01-28T14:08:40","modified_gmt":"2024-01-28T03:08:40","slug":"verbal-abuse-is-a-really-big-deal","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/verbal-abuse-is-a-really-big-deal\/","title":{"rendered":"Overview – Verbal Abuse is a Big Deal"},"content":{"rendered":"

Earning Respect Dashboard<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

An Overview of What This Process Looks Like<\/h2>\n

S<\/span>teve Biddulph got me started with the ideas I will present in this series. My life changed after reading his classic book, The Secret of Happy Children. His advice was about dealing with children having tantrums. I would say that most verbally abusive people simply never had a parent capable of helping them grow out of this behaviour.<\/p>\n

Central to his advice, the more serious you are, the more you should LOWER your volume and tone of voice.<\/p>\n

He suggests that you vow to never<\/strong> again give in to a child’s tantrum.<\/p>\n

I developed his advice further to use with anyone who attempts to negotiate with you by using aggression or passive aggression.<\/p>\n

Regulating Anger<\/h3>\n

We are not saying that it is never okay to get angry.<\/p>\n

Anger is triggered by disrespect and is normal and natural. Genuine anger wells up in a person and then subsides pretty quickly.<\/p>\n

Like all other emotions, however, anger needs to be regulated. When you get angry, it is a personal warning\u2013primarily to yourself\u2013that a problem needs your thought and consideration.<\/p>\n

The best response to you becoming angry should be measured and not cause physical or emotional harm to anyone (unless in genuine self-defence). Anger is meant to protect you, not cause damage to your loved ones or relationships.<\/p>\n

Adult Tantrums<\/h4>\n

Aggression (and passive aggression) becomes problematic when anger is used as a negotiating tool for a person ‘to get their way’. It is then known as emotional manipulation and is sometimes called ‘an emotional racket’.<\/p>\n

This way of negotiating is learned behaviour that you may feel is completely natural, but for it to stop in your household every time it happens from now on, it needs to become a big deal.<\/p>\n

Keeping it Simple<\/h3>\n

Once you have read through the articles in this series, you can start applying the following basic rules. You are the only one who knows your situation and so, of course, you need to use your judgment. Always make sure you deliver these new scripts at a time and place where you are sure you are safe (or have backup ready).<\/p>\n

Rule 1:<\/strong> Disengage (the earlier, the better for your safety). Do not reason with someone who is being rude, aggressive or insulting. I offer many scripts and tactics for this in this article series.<\/p>\n

The scripts provided are not to change the person’s mind but to end the conversation.<\/em><\/p>\n

Only negotiate when the other person has calmed down completely. Until they get better at regulating their emotions, this will usually take at least a day or two. If they miss out on something they wanted from you, so be it. As uncomfortable as it will be at times, you must vow that you will never again give in to coercion.<\/p>\n

EG:<\/strong> “I will not help you with anything when you speak to me like this. I am going out the front for 10 minutes to cool off and hope you will do the same!”<\/p>\n

If said early enough, this eventually may nip the situation in the bud fast enough that you can resume the conversation in 10 minutes. In the early stages of this Process, however, this is unlikely.<\/p>\n

Rule 2: If the aggression or passive aggression continues, have a backup plan ready.<\/strong> Do not get drawn into the conversation. Be prepared to escape while also letting them know when you will be home.<\/p>\n

EG:<\/strong> “I am not going to stay here and listen to this – I am going next door\/the shops\/my mothers and will be back in an hour when\u00a0 you have hopefully calmed down.”<\/p>\n

If this means leaving dinner to burn or them to take care of the kids, so be it. Disengage early and leave them to deal with the consequences.<\/p>\n

Rule 3: Once they stop, if they are not apologetic and calm, refuse to engage in the conversation again until a few days later.<\/strong> If it is about something urgent, it might be brought forward if they accept some clear conditions.<\/p>\n

EG: “If you want me to consider what you are saying straight away, I need you to put what you are requesting in writing, and then we can go down to ——\u00a0 (your local coffee shop\/park, etc.), where hopefully you will be more inclined to speak to me respectfully.<\/p>\n

A public space is essential. It will help keep you safe and hopefully limit the likelihood of them becoming abusive.<\/p>\n

Rule 4:<\/strong> If they storm out and leave the fact they have verbally abused you unresolved, make sure the consequences that follow affect them more than they affect you.<\/p>\n

EG: “I love you and want us to have a better marriage, so I want to help you learn to discuss things with me without being rude or aggressive.<\/p>\n

I know this is a bad habit and will probably take some time to change. To help, I have vowed never to discuss things with you while you are putting me down or being aggressive.<\/p>\n

I have found a list of local courses you can do in communication and\/or parent training) and have asked the man who runs one of these to call you.<\/p>\n

If you verbally abuse me, from now on, I will either leave the room or leave the house.<\/p>\n

If it continues, I may also be forced to call your boss, our pastor, or the police (choose the best person) and talk to them about this problem and see what they can offer.<\/p>\n

One way or another, I know we can get through this. You don’t have to always agree with me, but your insults and aggression do need to stop if you want me to listen.”<\/p>\n

This speech needs to be written with your situation in mind, considering the defence types we will look at in the following series. Again, it would help if you delivered this in a public place (a public park?) where you feel 100% confident that your partner will not launch into a verbal attack again.<\/p>\n

After you deliver this message, you must be ready to get on with your day and leave them to think about what has been said.<\/p>\n

Don’t engage in conversation at this point, especially not trying to get them to apologise. Anger or promises will not cut it with you any longer; the only thing that matters is that they understand what you expect and are clear that every time they insult or disrespect you, you will be 100% true to your word about what you said would happen.<\/p>\n

Hang in there with the Process!<\/h3>\n

There are a lot more articles to follow about ending verbal abuse in your home, but this will never stop unless you are 100% committed to not allowing yourselves to ever be spoken to in this way again.<\/p>\n

Your partner will be shocked and angry at first, but hold your ground; this is a battle you must win!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Kim Cooper<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Next:<\/p>\n

A Crash Course In Raising Your Status<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Steve Biddulph got me started with the ideas I will present in this series. My life changed when I read his classic book, The Secret of Happy Children. His advice was about dealing with children having tantrums. I would say most verbally abusive people just never had a parent help them grow out of this behaviour.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":321,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[324,325],"post_series":[353],"class_list":["post-2170","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-verbal-abuse","tag-earning-respect","tag-members","post_series-verbal-abuse","entry","no-media"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2170","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/321"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2170"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2170\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2170"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2170"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2170"},{"taxonomy":"post_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/narcissismcured.com\/thelovesafetynet\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/post_series?post=2170"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}