Inner Connections 3 – Empathy

Master Class Dashboard

Inner Connections Dashboard

Walk a Mile in Someone Else’s Shoes

Now that we have slowed down our mind; stepped away from the little “I” of our ego and tuned into the wisdom of our heart and gut: let’s consider the people around us.

Take a little time now to put yourself in their shoes and consider their hopes and fears.

Before I learned better skills to handle the conflict in our home, I was pleading with Steve nearly every day to change his ways.

At that time he was staying out late, coming home drunk and leaving us with hardly any money for food, while many of our bills went unpaid.

The idea that our future happiness lay in his hands and that he had left me completely powerless tormented me.

I wanted him to feel bad for what he was doing, and most of all, I wanted his selfish behaviour to end.

Then one day, while backing up his computer, I found x rated sites he was visiting and conversations he was having with other women online.

When I confronted him with what I had found, the fighting got even worse.

Looking back on this now, I can’t believe how long it took for me to see that trying to make him feel bad about what he was doing wasn’t going to change his behaviour.

Instead, I finally put myself in his shoes and found that I could feel bad for him.

My ability to do this began when I remembered an earlier time in my life when I was in a previous bad relationship and wanted desperately to get away.

I remembered the incredible self-pity I felt at that time and that all I could think about was longing to spend time with someone who thought I was amazing.

So I grabbed that memory by the tail and understood that this must be how Steve was feeling!”

I also suddenly understood that Steve was probably feeling overwhelmed at the idea of being a husband and father.

I thought about times I had been tempted to neglect my responsibilities and be rebellious instead.

Suddenly his behaviour wasn’t so hard for me to understand and instead it just made me sad.

I saw the truth that Steve he had given up on us and just wanted to get away.

I had thought my family was dysfunctional, but genuinely feeling for him showed me that while my parent’s marriage had fallen apart when I was in my late teens, it had been a lot more stable than his. My parents eventually got divorced, but neither were cheating on each other or having affairs.

I also felt how angry and unfair Steve must be feeling that because he had never seen adults able to trust each other growing up, why would he think he could trust me?

After I saw this, one of the first significant changes I made was to stop telling Steve that he had to prove that I could trust him and instead I started showing him that he could trust me.

Seeing all of this helped me understand he did not hold our future happiness in his hands. Steve was spiritually and emotionally bankrupt at this time, instead of needing him to save us, I was the one who needed to rescue him!!!

At that point, he had control of the money and a job (which gave him time away from us) and so it appeared he had more power than me. Suddenly I saw that because I still had hope, really I was much stronger than him.

I stopped trying to get him to show me empathy and started to show him compassion instead.

Looking for empathy from a person who is irresponsible and selfish is like asking a drowning man to save you. Instead, I saw that it was me who needed to earn his trust and help him to believe that together we could be a winning team.

This new approach was not sympathy – because feeling sorry for a person who has given up on life isn’t going to help. Quite the opposite, this will reinforce their bad behaviour and leave you open to exploitation.

To show the leadership that is required to hold a family together requires taking time now and then to try and see things from our other family members point of view.

• I stopped making demands and instead took the pressure off by doing things I knew would help him feel better about himself.
• I stopped asking him to spend time with me and started spending more time having fun with our children.
• I addressed the porn issue with genuine concern for the negative effect it was having on his state of mind and reputation instead of talking about how it was hurting me.
• I made it clear that I was not going to tolerate porn in our home, but by the time I put spyware on his computer, Steve thanked me for this. I had shown him that I understood it was a serious temptation he needed protection from if he was to become the respectable father and community figure he wanted to be.
• I saw that Steve had given up his belief in virtues such as honesty and humility and that if I was ever going to restore his faith in us having a good life together, I needed to become a very dependable and trustworthy example of those qualities.
• I stopped complaining and got in and cleaned up my act instead.

I could not do this by making demands. Instead, I needed to have the courage and discipline to set boundaries to protect myself without emotional expectation or threats.

I separated our bank accounts and started making arrangements to slowly pay off our debts – while assuring him this was so our marriage might survive and not because I wanted a divorce.

I reassured him that I would never cheat on him – and stopped obsessing about the idea that he was cheating on me.

I stopped pleading with him to love me and help me feel better and bought some earplugs so I could ignore his snoring, letting both of us get more sleep.

I got to work learning solid leadership skills to help restore his faith in humanity and in the both of us as a team.

That was not going to happen from me crying like a baby and demanding he base his actions on not hurting me.

Because once I put myself in his shoes, I understood that he was so unhappy himself that of course, he was not able to base his decisions on not hurting me.

Once I had visited that dark place in Steve’s soul, I instantly saw that rather than asking him to save us – it was me who was going to need to find the courage to protect our family and that the change I had been looking for was really up to me.

Exercise

I want you to take a little time now to consider your present situation from your loved one’s point of view.

What can you learn from this? Is there a little less you could ask for and something a bit more solid you could offer instead?

Step 4: Conscience