Today I want to deal with a couple more defensive behaviors you may come up against. These include a person who is needy and talking too much or the opposite ‘lights are on but nobody home’.
Glazed Eyed and Aloof
Do you know a person who sometimes sticks their nose in the air and gets a ‘glazed eyed’ look, as if they are not really present with you at all?
This is a common type of defensive behaviour.
It’s true they are not really present. As the saying goes; they are off in their own little world.
The trouble is because their nose is in the air, it may look like this person is very arrogant and aloof, but this may not be the case at all.
More than any other defense, this is a person who is in fact very fearful.
Arrogant or Just Plain Scared?
This person may have experienced trauma in their life, including physical abuse or feeling unwanted as a baby or child.
This one is pretty easy to deal with. Instead of being self conscious or feeling offended, it may help to actually get close to this person and hold the back of their arm, give them a pat on the back or if appropriate even give them a hug. You could also take their hand or do something reassuring that shows them they are physically safe with you.
You may help prevent this person going into defense around you if you give them this type of physical contact when you greet them and say goodbye.
This person lives in a fantasy world out the back door of their head so using touch to get them back into their body is a good place to start.
Mr. or Mrs. Manic
The person who talks too much and is needy and draining is tougher to deal with, but not impossible.
The key is to realize this person is scared of abandonment and may also fear you are secretly judging them.
As unpleasant as it can be to be around someone in this type of defense (who may also drink or smoke too much) and as much as you may feel like pulling away (and in fact judging them), the trick (as when dealing with most other defenses) is to do the opposite.
The reason is that our defenses unfortunately attract the very thing we fear.
So the person with their nose in the air who is afraid of violence makes people think they are arrogant and want to punch them . . . while the talker who is afraid of abandonment makes people want to get away!
This sets up a cycle, often making the defensive behaviour even more ingrained.
So with the talker, be clear you will stick around for awhile, but also be clear and honest about what you want to have happen and what you need from them. You can say “I am not going anywhere but let’s go and look at the stars for a few minutes – I need to see you relax.”
Helping them relax, may help them start being able to hear you.
This Baby is Feeling Unloved
Another thing is to feed this person and make sure that they are warm. You see when people are in this type of defense they feel like a baby who has been left alone too long and some inner memory of this is feeding their fear.
Calming down a hungry baby that is overwrought or upset is not always easy and so this can be a tough one, but walking away or competing to get a word in will probably just make the situation worse.
You cannot feed and keep this adult baby warm forever, but by helping them to calm down and giving some direct reassurance and speaking your mind, rather then scaring them you are silently judging them; you will slowly over time build trust with this person and they will hopefully learn to be a bit more relaxed around you.
If you fall into this type of defense yourself you cannot demand anyone do these things for you. Instead you may find it helpful to make yourself a nutritious snack (even if you don’t feel like it) and make sure that you are warm. You can also take yourself outside to spend some time in nature and ‘fill your self’ with some beautiful sights and sounds. Listening to the sounds around you and observing the landscape, while also feeling the sun or breeze on your skin and perhaps even taking in the smells.
It takes time and thought to help our loved ones feel safe when they are in defense but it is time and effort that will be well invested in the long run as their trust in you begins to grow.
Kim,
My son tends to use this defense,but I always got the feeling that he uses it when he wants to tell you something that you will not agree with. He will keep talking to avoid allowing you to respond if he thinks you will rain on his parade.
Hey Cindy – It is great that you can see it comes perhaps from nervousness. I wonder if there is a way you can help reassure your son that you are there and going to hear his ideas through and that you will ask questions before you make any comment? One of the hardest struggles I have had with my family is getting them all to understand that planning things together takes patience and a commitment to giving the process enough time. If everyone in the family starts to trust that there needs will be considered in the end – even if they don’t get exactly what they wanted – that helps. Being able to negotiate with patience and without emotional manipulation is a skill I am determined to teach my kids but it does require commitment and reinforcement to change that pattern if bad habits are already in place.
One tactic I use is ending the conversation and saying we are going to have to wait and talk about this later when you can be less emotional. I do that if the kids become aggressive at all or intimidating in their tone when they want something.
Another favourite of mine is “I am cheap but not free and my rates are going up so you best ask me nicely if you want my help.”
A firm rule in our house is that I will not do anything for anyone unless they ask me directly and with courtesy – allowing me to ask questions and negotiate the terms of our arrangement if I need to. I really stick by that rule too. The other day my daughter was in the kitchen with a friend of hers complaining, by moaning as if she was dying, that there is never anything to eat in our house. Of course there is lots of food – just no ready made snack food or junk and instead things that need a bit of preparation.
As my daughter continued with her theatrics I just stood there laughing at her saying “Your hungry are you? I wonder if what you are doing now is going to work at getting you something to eat?” She kept carrying on but I held firm and finally said “If you want something to eat I guess you better remember the only thing that works with me!” She finally gave in then and said “Can I have something to eat please?” and I said “Sure – how about some cocoa and scrambled eggs?” The best part was that her friend was laughing with me the whole time and looked a little amazed about the whole little drama that played out between us. There is always tons of junk to eat at this friends house – but she struggles with her weight and her parents are often not home to help her with sensible food choices – so the whole situation was quite new for her. They both loved the hot food I made for them and when I left them to eat it had a wonderful time chatting over their meal sitting up at the table eating off plates with knives and forks and big china tea cups of hot cocoa. Both of them remembered to thank me too and I heard it in their voices that they genuinely meant it.
So I can relate to what you are saying about your son Cyndy – and it is good you are perceptive about why he does this. Just try and make sure that his barrage of words doesn’t become a kind of intimidation.
One last note on this is that I never say that the kids can’t have what they want because they asked wrong – as I know this would just frustrate them and cause resentment. By making them wait and ask me when they have calmed down and are ready to be polite they still do have an option to have their request heard. If I say, “No” in the end it is on the requests merits – not because they asked wrong. I think this is important as blocking a person totally because they asked wrong is probably just going to be counter productive in the long run. The only exception to this is if they keep arguing after I say they need to calm down before we discuss the matter again – in that case there are consequences. Steve will sometimes back me up with that to and say “Not another word until you are have calmed down and are ready to discuss this politely – or you will be getting a very quick and final “no” right now. If they push it and you do say,”No” in that case you need to stand firm by that too and then next time they will not do it again!
Hi Kim, this is so very true! Mr Aloof and Mr Manic both sound familiar to me. And there is another defence I know from my partner. He refuses to be serious about anything, laughing and acting demonstratively devoted to anything superficial or to shiny objects – cars, design objects, cloths, silly movies. He is a bright man and a creative mind. This strange defence is always presented with a smile but hurts like hell, when he rejects emotions and treats you like a posession. Or shows more LOVING INTEREST in an object!
Any idea, how to deal with it?
Let me add, that I feel there is a huge amount of fear in my partner that people are not always there for him (and objects are). He silently accuses people to be not reliable and not worth his trust, especially women. When he was three years old, he had to got to hospital for a heart operation which was very dangerous. He once told me, when his Mom, who is a nurse, came to visit him, he used to turn his face against the wall…
Kim, it’s not easy to get through his many defenses although I can see the little boy and feel for him. Sometimes I feel helpless and exhausted.
Hi Hazel – While I am sure that the ‘defense’ you describe is painful for you – it is not exactly abuse. I wonder if you are working through the steps in our workbook or 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence? Trust is something that takes time to build and is earned rather than given. So in short I would suggest that rather than trying to ‘break through’ his defenses instead you spend some time giving your own emotions the attention and care they deserve. There is an article on this you might enjoy here; http://narcissismcured.com/blog/?p=990
Thanks, Kim!
Kim,
My husband puts his hands in front of his face, if my thoughts are threatening him. That could be any idea that that does not line up with his.
He had an emotional affair with a woman that he felt safe with and this has become his fantasy world. The affair is over with, but he is determined to find the next secure woman. He has worked hard to separate from me as emotionally as he can in order to follow this dream. This has been going on for over 5yrs. I have sought a lot of professional help and they have instructed me to do as you say. I really changed my thinking and way of dealing with life. I like myself and life so much more. I just get ganged up on to divorce him. His father hit him and his mother completely neglected him.
I did not know this until his father died 5 yrs ago and he feel apart and asked this woman to be his friend. She sowed him that everyone at work liked him and he was ok. She received her promotion and she has moved on. My husband understands the game she played professionally, but will not say one negative thing against her. He holds their past friendship in his heart as his future with another woman. This has been so difficult to deal with, but I am still finding the motivation and strength to find answers to the situation. My brother and sister in law were murdered a little over a year ago. So life has presented a lot to handle. Too bad, my soul will not let me quit.
Thank you for your experiences. I feel like someone finally gets it. You are taking me into territories that my therapist could not explain to me. I have been praying all the time to have God show me the way. You and Steve gave me the entire story. I only had 70 % of the picture, if that. You answered my weak areas and how to get past them. Even if my husband leaves tomorrow, I really I’m beginning to have a solid base of who I am and I will be ok.
Thanks for sharing your story with us Jill, I am so glad you see yourself growing stronger. The dream your husband is holding onto right now is not going to save him – but in the end he will not let it go unless you can help him feel safe.
Kim,
I am working hard to keep anger out of the relationship at all times. I tell him how much I appreciate his efforts.
I try to have at least a 10 minute face to face exchange with him everyday. I text him positive messages. We talk about the kids a lot.He still stays away from me. Goes on business trips and will not even suggest going for a cup of coffee together. I need some suggestions on how to get past this. Thank you…
Anger is a healthy signal that alerts us to when we are being disrespected – what matters is how you deal with it.
I wonder if his emotional affair with this woman is really all in the past?
You need to find out why he is pulling away. Don’t obsess just find out. Is there someone you can ask (saying you are concerned about him?) or perhaps you need a private detective? Until you know what you are dealing with it is hard to know the best response.