The articles in this series, so far, have mostly been about dealing with other people in defense. It will be extremely helpful if you can begin to see when you are doing the same. It is much easier to see in others than it is to see in ourselves.
For starters, let’s first recognise that being in defense feels bad.
Look for the Symptoms
Even if you don’t feel miserable, you will not feel at peace with yourself (or the people around you) and may feel you are one of the following;
- A phoney or a fake
- Needy and craving a hero to save you
- Stuck in a rut
- Spaced out
- Superior and anxious to prove yourself
Here are some other signs you may be in defense …
A. You feel indignant and morally superior to someone who has angered you while also anxious to prove yourself right and deserving of praise and success. You may feel a victim of being misunderstood and want revenge – and easily find yourself becoming verbally abusive as a response.
B. You feel there is a hole inside you that can never be filled. You sometimes find yourself talking excessively (and too quickly) and perhaps smoking and drinking too much, with little interest in what the people around you are doing or saying.
C. You feel depressed, stuck-in-a-rut and embarrassed about yourself and like time is standing still. You feel angry at some people in your life, but generally take this out on them by being rude, moody and uncooperative rather than confronting them directly. Food may be a big comfort in your life.
D. You feel spaced out and like you are not really present and the answer to your problems may reside in the spirit or spiritual world. You may try to contact ghosts, angels, ‘spirit guides’ or talk to whoever you consider God all day, asking for constant help and advice. Sometimes escaping into this ‘other world’ will bring some relief, but the sensations can sometimes move beyond your control and real life remains dangerous and hard.
E. You feel like a robot ‘going through the motions’ and although ‘you get it all right’, no one really knows you or likes you. Deep down you feel like a phoney or fake and tend to judge and/or criticise others. You may build people up in speech to hide this from yourself, but in reality no one can live up to your standards and demands.
These are ways you may have learned to deal with fear in negative ways. It is import to forgive yourself for behaving this way while you learn better ways of responding. It is also important to understand that these methods of dealing with fear won’t protect you and will actually put you in more danger. This is like the kid who eats too much as a comfort because he is being teased at school but who, by getting fatter, gets teased even worse as a result.
Being in Defense Doesn’t Protect You
As challenging as it may be, I want you to see the safest way of conducting yourself is generally with these type of defenses down.
This does not mean being unaware of the potential for danger. Sharing your innermost feelings or vulnerabilities with people who may wish to hurt you is obviously unwise. But staying present, aware and allowing yourself to feel the true emotion you are experiencing (hurt or sadness for instance) rather than reaching straight for your ‘weapons’ or running away, will put you in a much better position to deal effectively with day to day situations that may understandably make you feel anxious or scared.
The fight or flight response, triggered by adrenalin, was what worked for humans when we were living in an age where we were regularly hunted and eaten by big cats. Putting on scary masks and making up intimidating dances (that made us look bigger and more threatening) probably made sense when we had to deal with lions and tigers every day who planned to have us (or our children) for dinner. Using weapons, screaming, hiding, or any other way of creating a scene or diversion in this context, probably made a lot of sense.
Thankfully this is no longer the case, but unfortunately our ‘internal circuitry’ remains somewhat over reactive to what life now tends to dish out day to day. When faced with insult or injury, our impulses still, all too easily, jump straight to raising our voice, threatening violence or even playing dead or playing crazy rather than standing our ground. Saying “Hey I feel hurt and a bit lost by what just happened but hope we can work this out.” would obviously not be appropriate with a tiger, but in most cases with a human it will work much better than any of the responses listed above.
Change Your State
Once in defense, unfortunately it can also be very hard to “reboot” your inner circuitry and get back to normal. Regrettably many people live much of their lives in defense (and hence in fear).
Because this causes so much pain and hurt (and can be so destructive), I now want to share a few suggestions that may help.
1. Try and see that you are in defense and that your instincts may be impaired. Just the same as if you were drunk or on drugs, when in defense you may not be making the best decisions for yourself.
Try and remind yourself of the negative results this kind of behaviour has had on your life in the past and give yourself some ‘time out’ to find your center.
2. Think of your life right now as a TV that is on the wrong channel. The show may look enticing but is it really what is best for you to be tuned into?
3. If you are feeling you must rush into action to prove that someone who put you down is wrong:
Sit down and remind yourself that you are solid and stable and need to take time choosing the best course of action now if you hope to experience a positive outcome.
4. If you are feeling needy or helpless:
Get on your feet and make yourself a nutritious snack like a piece of apple with some nut butter on it. Continue having small and regular snacks like this through the day. Shower and dress in something you feel confident and comfortable in. Allow yourself some fantasy time giving the sad baby or needy kid inside of you whatever it wants in your imagination. Be nice to yourself and make a list of all the things you like about yourself and all the times in your life when you felt the happiest. Start taking care of yourself and making plans you can achieve for yourself and not relying so much on others.
5. If you are feeling stuck and depressed:
Give yourself permission to write down everything you are angry about. Don’t give the letter to the person you are feeling this way towards, just write it down and hold nothing back. Keep writing until you feel better. After this you should then destroy what you have written. Ask yourself what your goals are in life and how you can start taking some small steps towards them? Get organised to start working towards these goals while still keeping an eye on your current responsibilities. Don’t allow yourself anymore excuses – take responsibility for moving closer to your goals without blaming anyone or anything else for being in your way.
6. If you are feeling ‘spaced out’:
Do some exercise or go lie on the grass (or on the sand) and feel the earth next to your skin. Become aware of your body, what it feels like to be in it and what it needs right now. Ask for a hug or give one to someone else. Listen to the wind or the rain. Try and see how many little sounds you can hear around you and also what you can smell, taste and feel. What can you see right now? Become an interested observer and take in what is going on around you without judgement. Look especially for what is happening that has nothing to do with you but that you find interesting.
7. Listen to some music that grounds you and brings you to a place of humility and calm. I like native American flute music for this and find it always grounds me and brings me back to myself when I find myself in ego or defense.
8. If you are angry:
Write down what upset you and then forget it and focus on something that will calm you and bring your natural happiness back instead.
9. If you need to set a boundary with someone you are feeling threatened by:
Try and stay grounded and focused on the outcome you want. Not wishful thinking just a practical outcome. Say for instance your partner has been irresponsible with money. Don’t waste words getting angry or imagine the problem will get better by itself. Instead focus on getting your accounts separated without a fight and this action solving the problem.
If you are focused on a positive outcome, it will be easier to communicate. In this example you might talk positively, saying it will help stop the fighting and improve your relationship. Your focus will help you decide on the best actions that will achieve the outcome you want. This is especially important if someone angers you and you get distracted from your goal and start wanting to hurt them instead. Write down what made you angry and deal with that later but for now refocus by asking yourself what is the outcome that you want and focus your attention on that.
10. Get some sleep and try and spend more time with people who care about you and who love you, if simply a grandparent or other relative. As the Desiderata says ‘many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness’.
11. Find a copy of the Desiderata and read it often.
12. Give yourself every little thing you desire in your imagination:
Give this to yourself totally and completely. Does your head ache? Lie down and ask it what it wants and then imagine that you have that thing right now. Once you feel better ask yourself why you needed that and why it was important? Then ask yourself, “Now I have that – what do I need next?”
Continue to give yourself all of the things that come up in your imagination. Be your own Santa Clause and create a space in your mind where you give yourself not only objects but also respect, love, appreciation or even revenge. Give yourself all of it, even if you think it wrong or forbidden.
By doing this you will probably find you will stop wanting these things in real life anyway!
Make sure you ask why. Why did I want that? What is even more important than that? Keep going till you are completely at peace and not feeling you need anything. When you reach this point go back and check and see if you really needed all of those things after all?
If you take an hour or so and do this exercise you will find that peace is something you can give yourself any time you decide to.
Once you can choose to be at peace in this way you will stop needing so many things to be different in your life and it will undoubtedly improve for the better.
13. Except while doing the exercise above, stop asking yourself ‘why’ and instead start asking ‘what’ and ‘how’. Ask “How can I improve my relationship with myself?” and “What can I do to improve this situation?” These are powerful, life changing questions to ask yourself while “Why are they doing this?”, or “Why is this happening to me?” are questions that are mostly unhelpful.
14. Worry about your relationship with yourself before you worry about your relationship with anyone else. Listen to what your conscience answers when you ask it each morning what you need to do today to live more peacefully with yourself.
15. Have an ‘I was wrong party’ and invite all your friends to come celebrate! Offer to eat grass on the person’s lawn that you offended or some other way you might have a laugh at yourself. What will really happen if you admit you were wrong or that you made a mistake or over reacted? It may feel like the world will cave in but really it won’t. Admitting you are embarrassed is, in fact, very endearing.
16. Watch a movie that makes you laugh. Remember at least one movie that made you cry laughing and watch it again tonight.
17. Stop telling yourself that you know what everything means. Does your partner ignoring you really mean they don’t love you? Does them always being late really mean they don’t respect you? Perhaps it doesn’t and there are other reasons that may not have anything to do with you.
18. Do more to respect yourself. Stay focused on what you can do for you and have a happy space of your own (in your house and in your head) that you can go to when others let you down or disappoint you.
19. If you feel like a phoney please read my article in this series about identity.
OK so that is enough ideas from me for today! I hope these points help you on your journey.
Kim Cooper 🙂
Hi Kim,
“Being stuck in a rut” pretty much sums up my state over the course of the last 2 years. I am happy to say that I am slowly but surely pulling myself out of that rut, thanks to your books The Love Safety Net Workbook, Back From the Looking Glass, and the 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence.
Perhaps the rut was more of an abyss in my case, but I am well on my way, thanks to you.
I now know that this is a process or journey and that set-backs are just temporary adjustments.
Also, I am past trying to improve my marriage with my NPD husband. I truly had to grieve this loss. (Strange, but it was like grieving something that never really was .)
Now I focus on myself and my children. Sadly, we moved home several hundred kilometers again (2 years ago) just so that we could all be together. I thought that by making this sacrifice I could save our marriage and family life and that I was being a loving wife. I was mistaken. This marriage is still a one-way relationship with all of the love and attention going toward him and his needs.
Only now, thanks to the “Personal Bill of Rights”(especially the #5 a and the #5b, #7, and #11.) and understanding what it means to establish boundaries, I no longer feel like I am being sucked into his hell hole of abuse.
Also, our children (teenagers) are doing much better and adjusting well without feeling all of the tension and anger between my husband and me.
One area I am having some difficulty with is building attachment while limiting abuse. Presently, there is no intimacy in this marriage and maybe this is ok for awhile. He told me recently that the reason I sleep in the guest bedroom is because I think I’m superior. HUH?? I don’t want to be put down about my body or shoved during my sleep. Now he denies ever saying or doing those things. Whatever! But, I still sleep better in my own bed. I have no desire to make love with someone who is either emotionally abusive or absent. Any suggestions? I was thinking of giving him framed photos of our wedding day to put in his office. Our anniversary is coming up very soon.
AS hard as it my be – the warm greetings are important including touch – if possible a kiss or simple caress (of arm or cheek?). I also wonder if you can see the lost child in him who feels unable to cope with what has been expected of him in life? Being very clear of what you expect of him and what you don’t and keeping your expectations doable and realistic might also help. Figuring out exactly what that unrealistic expectation is that is fueling his fear and you being understanding about it will probably be the best bridge.
Kim,
We do greet each other with a kiss. When he comes home from work I’m usually home and call out to him if I hear him come in and this brings him closer and I ask about his day. The latter is not usually reciprocated, but I no longer have any expectations. However, I had made it clear to him that I do expect him to reach out to his sons. Our eldest went through a very rough time when we moved here and was mostly ignored by his Dad (my husband) or yelled at for not being a better student, etc.. It was so hurtful for me to watch as my son grew more and more isolated, and despondent.
Then, my husband blamed me for our son’s tardiness and absence from school on several occasions when I was the only one doing any of the parenting. My husband used to come home and hardly say hello before plopping down in front of his laptop and T.V. and dinner conversation usually centered around him.
I realized that our children had been thriving in our last home and community when their Dad was mostly gone (really absent) for most of 5 years, and school tardiness or absence was NEVER an issue. They both loved school, had excellent grades, and had a good rapport with most of their teachers and coaches. They also had good friend and still do.
I also realized that I had been played for a fool by my husband who was not showing the slightest interest in being a better husband or father.
I was quite angry and resentful, BUT it was helping no one, least of all me.
To make a long story short, I got therapy and found that I was not alone. Then, I met an old neighbor on the sidelines of my son’s soccer game who was in a very similar situation to my own. I was very close to filing for divorce but decided not to after hearing her story. She told me about you.
This was over a year ago. I am forever grateful.
I used to think I was the only one in my marriage coming from a dysfunctional family situation. Over the years of my marriage,however, I learned more and more the reality of my husband’s childhood. He was physically abused by his father, and older sister of 5 years and neglected by his mother. He was also emotionally abused. His father is an alcoholic and a narcissist. He retired in his fifties and has been very ill for the last 4 years and drinks a lot less now. His mother is both codependent and passive-aggressive. She complains about everything and everyone especially her husband.
Fortunately, we do not see them very often because they are in another country.
Whenever we do go to see them, my husband drinks a lot and it usually takes him several days to recover.
I am sorry this is so long I will be brief next time.
Hey Mari – Your comment covers a lot of issues! I think you would gain a lot from looking at The Love Safety Net Workbook and sorting this from that! If you separated out these problems into the areas they correspond to in ‘the four pillars’ then it will be easier to tackle them one by one. You might also consider not asking about his day if he doesn’t reciprocate. You can still greet him very warmly but say you have work to finish and you will see him at dinner. There are scripts for this at the beginning of 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence 🙂
Thanks, Kim. Back to sorting…