Getting to Know the Face in the Mirror
A large survey was once conducted in which respondents, considered to have lived long and happy lives, were asked their secrets.
What answer did they most have in common?
The importance of knowing yourself.
What Does Knowing Oneself Really Mean?
– Increased trust in yourself
– Better personal boundaries and relationships with others
– An ability to make better plans that meet your needs
Knowing yourself means having a strong sense of identity, which is a key indicator of positive mental health.
Since a sense of identity is such a valuable asset, let’s examine what knowing yourself involves.
I have compiled a checklist below of ideas to consider if you wish to improve your identity.
But first, I will share a slightly embarrassing story about myself regarding identity . . .
My wake-up moment
Many years ago, I signed up for a life coaching course. At the time, I really couldn’t afford it, but I was feeling at such a low point in my life that I went ahead with it anyway, scratching together the money as I went and sometimes having to ask my coach to wait to be paid.
We reached a point in the process where he asked me to stand within different circles marked on the floor, with a word allocated to each, and one by one, to talk about this area of my life. There were circles for career, resources, and many other areas, all of which I could speak clearly on for as long as required until I came to the circle marked identity . . .
While standing in this circle, my coach asked me to finish the sentence “I am . . .” and instantly, I froze. I stammered, stuttered, and, after many long minutes, spluttered, I was a rope.
My coach looked at me and, in his beautiful German accent, said, “You are a rope?” I felt helpless but shrugged, with my hands at my side, and tried lamely to explain that I was someone who tried to be there for others (a rope to climb up?) when they needed help.
He said, “I think maybe you need some work in this area of identity?” and relieved to have the pressure off, I instantly agreed.
This was a day I will always remember. A big hole had been exposed in my character. All my life I had worked hard to convince myself and the people around me of my worth, while inside I felt empty and in pain. I was working hard to please everyone and meet their expectations – with no real idea of my true needs or what I genuinely had to offer.
That day, my coach asked me a question to consider at home: If I had lost absolutely everything in my life, what would I still have?
It took me nearly a week to figure out my answer. I, too, will give you this question to ponder.
If you lost absolutely everything in your life, what would you still have?
Identity Checklist
Let’s take a look at what I have learned since that day about improving one’s sense of identity and what a sense of it means.
– Do you feel embarrassed by others’ actions?
If so, ask yourself why? If someone embarrasses themselves, why should this reflect on you?
Do you know when you need social time and when you need time alone?
Do you listen to your body’s signals in this regard?
Do you know how to communicate in a way that gets your needs met?
Do you know how to calm yourself when you are angry and upset?
Or do you take your moods and/or disappointments out on others and ‘do a number on yourself’?
Do you know what you like and don’t like?
Or how important it is to let your taste guide your choices?
This last point does not mean that you should let addictions that you may suffer from take hold of you or that you should give in to your baser instincts.
These desires are usually bio-chemically driven, and your chemistry is certainly not who you are.
Quite the opposite. Your biochemistry is the big elephant your identity rides on, and it must be tamed and trained for you ever to get to know yourself.
Letting Your Tastes Lead
To let your tastes lead, you may ask yourself, “Do I like this because it gives me a “high”, or do I really like it?” You might also ask this question about people. Sometimes, we will think we like someone who praises and flatters us, but if we were honest, we would admit that we really just like being praised and flattered, and maybe we don’t really know or like that person at all.
There are also things we may decide to like – because they give us a sense of belonging to a group, and this can also be misleading.
Teenagers often do this with bands or sports teams that are popular with their peers. They will say, “I am a —- supporter,” as if this defines who they are. While liking that team may certainly say a lot about a person, I would argue that it’s not who they are. Our tastes help us understand ourselves better but do not define us. We are each unique, and no two people like all the same things.
Another thing to watch with taste is if you simply follow the likes and dislikes of others or unthinkingly follow fashion. This is a sign that perhaps you need to get to know yourself better and learn to feel OK about liking things that may not be to everyone’s taste.
On the other hand, if you pride yourself on always being different—and what you like is always just a reaction against someone else’s taste—again, it’s a sign that you may need to listen more closely to your own inner voice and find the courage to say (starting with yourself) what it is you really like. If you were honest, that would probably sometimes be the same and sometimes different from what the people around you like.
Ultimately, our talents, more than our tastes, will truly define us.
Tougher Questions
Do you envy other people’s success or fear you will not measure up if you compare yourself to others?
Perhaps you are comparing apples to oranges?
This may indicate that you do not fully appreciate your strengths or honestly work on your weaknesses. There are many online personality tests that might help you get a better idea of these.
Are you constantly striving for perfection or the perfect completion of a project through which your worth will finally be established?
Does the result you hold in your mind seem to be forever slipping further from your reach, no matter how diligently you pursue it? Do your rewards never materialise?
This may indicate that you have issues of inadequacy that will not be relieved by any success in the world. In reality, success and perfection have little to do with each other.
Taking time to get to know and like yourself better is the only way you will find the success you crave. Success, in reality, is much more about who you are than what you do.
What principles and values are your projects based on? If they are not reflected in your work, it will never earn you genuine respect.
Our Conflict Resolution and Decision-Making Processes will help you learn to stand up for those values while aligning your relationships to the principles and values of your team.
This will help you learn to forgive yourself as you correct course regularly, collaborating on your goals in a way that brings you closer to people.
Do you live in an overly spiritualised or fantasy world?
Do you fear looking others in the face and seeing what they think of you reflected back in their eyes? Do you sometimes feel the internal dream world you hide in is somehow more real than your physical existence?
Avoiding being present because you fear what others think of you will never truly keep you safe. Only when you remain present and aware will you be able to react and respond appropriately to protect yourself.
If you relate to this point, you may want to work on getting back into your body with exercise, circuit work, or anything that mixes physical activity with the need to be present and respond quickly. As your physical strength and agility grow, so will your courage to be present with others.
Do you complain a lot and share your problems with others?
Or perhaps you mope and sulk, making it obvious you are angry or ‘not OK’, yet resent it when those close to you ‘interfere’ by trying to help you solve whatever it is you are upset about?
This may indicate that you have your identity mixed up with the people around you and that you need to take stock of who you are, what you truly want for yourself and what you can and cannot offer the people you share your life with.
If you start taking responsibility for solving your own problems and not taking your moods out on your loved ones, you may find they stop feeling the need to help solve your problems for you. This, in turn, will give you more freedom and space to develop and grow into the person you truly want to be.
Keep a journal and work on your own musical, artistic or creative pursuits or other projects that interest you at your own pace and when it feels right for you.
Do you feel like a fake who is incapable of truly being loved?
Or have trouble connecting with the people around you?
People who you also judge and criticise?
If so, maybe you need to spend some time listening to your heartbeat and noticing your body’s signals.
Are you really hungry at mealtime? If not, don’t eat.
Do you really have something to share, or are you just saying what you think is required of you because of social conditioning, habit or formality?
Stay quiet instead and only speak or act when your heart truly moves you.
The points above suggest ways in which you may avoid truly meeting and getting to know yourself, along with some ideas on how you might work to overcome this. If some of the points above ring true, you may have seen that your sense of identity might not be as solid as you thought.
If so, here is a list of further practical steps you might start taking today toward becoming your best friend.
Say Hello to the Person You Need the Most Help From
General advice on getting to know yourself
1. Make a list of foods you regularly eat and consider whether they make you feel good. Many foods such as coffee, wine and refined sugars have been the staple diet of very specific cultures (whose ancestors say live in southern Europe) and are not tolerated well by people from other cultures.
Alcoholism, for instance, only exists in a very small percentage of the Italian community (where it has been consumed for centuries) while further north in Russia the rates of alcoholism are much much higher. In indigenous cultures, where alcohol has only very recently been introduced to the culture, alcoholism regularly runs at over 90% of those who drink. If your ancestors were alcoholics or T-totalers (there may be a good reason for this) alcohol may be unsuitable for you, simply because of your genetic makeup.
In a similar way, coffee can cause major anxiety problems in people not historically adapted to drink it.
So, don’t stand by modern customs and habits. Look at your diet and be honest about your reactions to what you eat and drink and what this says about who you truly are.
In a similar way, people with ancestors from the British Isles may find they need to add oily fish to their diet or take fish oil supplements (or evening primrose capsules) if they want to avoid feeling depressed. This may be because their ancestors ate oily fish as a staple, and this is still what their bodies are adapted to need, particularly if they are not getting adequate sunshine.
As you make changes, be gentle with yourself. The Health Recovery Centre has a great program for recovering your health if you have had a problem with alcohol or drug addiction.
An addiction is a clear sign that your body’s biochemistry is out of balance. Don’t beat yourself up; just find out what supplements you may require to get back into balance. For myself, I need to take a range of Omega 3s every day (fish oil, flax oil, and Evening Primrose oil), avoid alcohol or coffee, and avoid sugar.
If I do ‘fall off the wagon’ with any of these, L-glutamine in water twice a day, lots of vitamin C and mixed protein amino acid capsules with breakfast and lunch take all the cravings away. A chromium supplement daily also helps me with sugar cravings. My body is not adapted very well to eating wheat, and it is estimated that as many as 60% of the population in the West may have this same problem.
Fish, vegetables, fresh herbs, fruit, nuts, and lamb are good choices for me and are usually not that hard to find.
2. Think about what you truly enjoy doing. Now, consider whether that activity is consuming or energising?
Consuming means that it suck you in and take away from other pleasures in your life (like some computer games and pornography often do) and leaves you feeling emptier than when you started (like smoking cigarettes).
Energising means it brings you into contact with like-minded friends and enriches your life (such as playing music, dancing or swimming).
For some people reading a book will restore their inner balance and health better than a holiday. Time spent alone will leave them feeling content and refreshed and ready to socialise with others later.
For others a hard game of competitive sport will do exactly the same thing.
The important thing to ask yourself is “Do I really enjoy this or is it just something I have been taught to do?” and secondly, “Does this leave me feeling satisfied and more content than when I started or does it leave me feeling empty and wanting more”?
Obviously it is the activities you enjoy which satisfy and enrich you that you should make an effort to make a regular part of your life.
3. Do you know when your body is telling you that you need time to yourself?
If you decline an invitation you will be much more likely to be invited again next time, than if you accept when you were not in any state to be socialising.
4. Are you present when meeting with others – or are you thinking about the past or rushing to the next thing with your head somewhere else?
If so you may want to learn how to ‘ground’ yourself and get into your body in present time. Stop your thoughts and try to empty your mind of all preconceived ideas or agendas before you meet with people you want to connect with.
See if you can guess what the person you are talking to is feeling and why?
Listen to the sounds around you.
Take in the smells and be aware of your environment.
Greetings such as hugging each other are ways we help each other calm our thoughts and come back into our bodies and be present. If the person you are talking with suddenly looks glazed eyed and ‘out to lunch’, don’t get angry or feel rejected, just reach out and rub or pat them on the back a few times or give them a one or two armed hug. This will help them ‘come back’ and be with you. For people who are very ‘spacey’, regular exercise will also help tremendously.
Other people are overly aware of other people looking at them and may not enjoy being touched or hugged. This person may benefit from giving themselves freedom sometimes to dance to music they like when no one is watching and take time to feel more comfortable about themselves.
5. Do you know your own boundaries of what is OK and what is not OK with you and how you defend those boundaries?
Are you able to politely excuse yourself if you become uncomfortable with another person’s behaviour?
Do you know how to do this without becoming judgemental or accusing, or in any other way starting a fight that may leave feelings hurt and only further inconvenience you?
Do you know how to enlist the help of others to stop someone who may be harassing or abusing you?
Do you know how to disengage from or change the subject away from conversation topics that don’t interest you?
Are you able to say what activities you will not sexually involve yourself in, without feeling guilty about saying no?
Are you able to say no about other things that you really don’t feel others have the right to ask of you – or you do not feel you should be asked to do?
“A fly can’t bird but a bird can fly and a fish can’t whistle and neither can I” runs part of the song ‘Cottleston Pie’ from the original tale of Winnie the Pooh. It is one of my favourites. What is right for someone else does not have to be right for you.
Having a clear sense of who you are, what you like and dislike and what your are and are not suited to, will make it easier and more relaxed for you to make the right decisions for yourself and sometimes say “no” without needing to put down the person you are setting the boundary with.
6. Are you free to do things your own way and do you allow others this same freedom? Discussion and negotiation may be time consuming and even boring – but really there is no alternative if you want a happy and productive life.
Forcing your agenda or way of doing things on others without allowing time for an agreement to be reached that suits everyone, or saying that you are OK with someone else taking the lead, without taking the time to really listen and declare your own needs honestly, can only lead to one party being resentful of the decisions that have been made later and will always lead to conflict and relationship breakdowns.
There is always a solution where everyone’s needs can be met, it may just take some time and patience to find it. Forcing through your own agenda or settling for compromises where no one is really getting their needs met will in the end actually waste a lot of time and often end up destructive.
Looking another in the face and truly being able to look and see what they are feeling towards you, without being guarded or defensive may not be what we choose to do with everyone. It is, however, what our whole body is ‘wired’ for. Our brain’s circuits are built for this connection and regular, relaxed socialising with people we love and trust is very beneficial on many levels. This type of intimacy is when we feel whole and complete.
This is only possible, however, if we have a strong sense of who we are and are also comfortable with that knowledge.
Last but not least, please make every effort to be kind to yourself and the people around you. Kindness is at the very top of the list of what both men and women find most attractive. Finding the courage to be kind is a good sign that you not only know yourself but also feel comfortable with who you are.
Kim Cooper
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