Facing Your Codependence Square in the Eye

It is often said that narcissism is blind to itself – but I have found that  codependence can be just as hard to spot.

Today I want to help you face your codependence square in the eye.

This first happened to me watching Drew Pinsky’s Celebrity Rehab . . .

There was a woman Dr. Pinsky was counseling who became horrified when he suggested she needed to talk to her mother about her (her mother’s) alcoholism. This woman’s fear was so overwhelming and so irrational but at once I saw that I had that same fear too.

Even the thought of talking to my mother about her drinking made me feel like my whole world would explode.

He described this irrational fear as a symptom of codependence and this is when I first really saw this clearly in myself.

Just like my own later experiences – when this woman’s mother finally came in and they talked – really there was nothing to fear.

Find the Courage to Look Out for Yourself and Speak Your Truth!

The thing is that growing up as a codependent, the golden rule we are indoctrinated with is to never say anything directly that might upset or embarrass somebody else — and especially our codependent role model — whether it be Mum or Dad!

Another great movie I watched recently called “Bully” shows the story of a boy being bullied at school. When his dad tells him that the bullies are not his friends, he looks really sad and says, “Well who are my friends then Dad?”

Even sadder is the story in “Hold on to Your Kids”, of a young girl murdered by a group of children her own age. A witness reported later that she was drowned by having her head held under water repeatedly – but instead of trying to escape, she was crying and pleading that she just wanted to be friends.

All of these stories hold a connection for me which is such a terrible fear of rejection that the person involved fears being friendless or rejected more than they fear dealing with the obvious problems in their life, being insulted or even being killed.

As I discuss in the following story, “The Myths of Bullying” there is only one real reason that a person is ever bullied and that is that they don’t know how to stand up for themselves.

Face Your Fear

Learning those skills is not so difficult – but will be impossible if you fear rejection or being alone.

Because without the courage to rock the boat sometimes – you are never going to earn people’s respect.

In my own journey there was a time when I walked away from so many unhealthy friendships — that besides Steve and my kids, I was totally friendless and alone. I had to put myself out there and take some risks, but eventually I did find much better people to fill my life with.

This is why it is better to judge the success of our program over 3 month increments or even over years. Because when you develop better people skills this may cause your friend circles to change. At first it may even mean you are lonely for awhile because as your self respect improves you will not be as desperate to please everyone and be everyone’s friend.

Rejection is so hard to take, that most of us would rather walk away (and reject the other person first) than risk being rejected ourselves.

That reaction (to flee) can become so knee jerk that we never allow anyone to get close or any relationship to develop and grow.

Until someone comes along that doesn’t want to leave – but wants to hang around insulting us instead!

If you are living with friends or family who abuse you, today I want to help you look that fear square in the eye.

Because for our program to work for you – it is vital you learn to stop fearing your partner leaving or you being rejected by your peers.

Believe me there are much worse things down the road for a Narcissistic/Codependent relationship than your partner walking out when you begin setting real boundaries on the abuse.

Because when you demonstrate that you are serious about not tolerating their abusive behaviour any longer, yes, the reality is that they may leave and never come back.

But if this is the case, I can guarantee you are going to do much better on your own.

More likely is that they will be angry for awhile and as they see you grow stronger, you will start to earn their love and respect.

Face the Codependence in the Rest of Your Life

Now as a challenge today I want to encourage you to face the codependence in all of your life!!!

• Do you have friends you cannot set boundaries with? Like not calling before they come over – or not respecting the rules of your house? Next time they do this be prepared to tell them you value their friendship but you are busy and they cannot come in, or that since they cannot respect your house rules, really it is time they go home. Don’t wait until you are angry, do this calmly as soon as they cross the boundary, with scripts you have practiced ahead of time.

Are you scared if you do this they may never talk to you again? Think about this and be honest with yourself if that would really be so bad?

• Do you have to do things at work that don’t sit right with your conscience? Do your boss or coworkers put you down? Don’t make a scene and don’t wait until you are upset – but start practicing better comebacks. Do you fear they may reject you or you might lose your job? I wonder if that would really be the end of the world?

• Do you fear talking to either of your parents about ways that their behavior impacts on your life? Is that fear wildly irrational – and make you feel like your whole world would explode if you did? If so you need to see this as an opportunity to get a glimpse of how deeply you have been conditioned (brainwashed) and find the courage to test these fears in the light of day. You do not have to be confrontational – in my case I took my mum out to lunch and said as kindly as I could that if she didn’t look at her drinking her marriage probably didn’t have much hope.

• Do you fear being honest with your church about areas you may not agree with your churches doctrines? Again you do not need to make a scene – but if there are doctrines your conscience disagrees with – you should find the courage to admit you hold a different opinion or even that you are having some doubts. If your church elders and fellow members of the congregation cannot treat your beliefs with respect (without feeling the need to preach and patronize) how might your life improve if you started looking around for a new church?

These are hard steps sure and not for the timid and feint of heart. But I can tell you from experience that only for those seriously wanting more genuine love, rapport and meaning in their lives, overcoming your fear of rejection is the only real place to start.

 

Kim Cooper

 

Continue Reading – The Myths of Bullying