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Narcissistic Husband

Narcissistic Husband

Song of the Male Narcissist

When I said that I would leave you
I meant “Don’t let me go”
and instead of saying yes to you
I said – I’ll let you know

I put myself above you
so you’d think me some great prize
and blamed my faults upon you
all because of my false pride

So I know you have good reason
for complaining like you do
because I never really thought of you
just ‘to mine own ego’ was I true

But the truth is I’m embarrassed
for how badly I’ve behaved
and for being such a coward
I really am ashamed

Cause I don’t want you to guess
how helpless that I feel
and that I don’t know how to save you
even though my love is real

There is so much I have to learn
and if you’re needing proof
just look at how I twist and turn
and struggle with the truth

I cannot be your hero
and I don’t always understand
and really I just want you to see
the child within this man

I’m so scared that you will leave me
when you see my act’s a sham
and that I gave up long ago
on being loved for who I am

I need a guiding hand in life
and need you to be strong
I need you to be virtuous
and let me tag along

Set me goals I can accomplish
and praise me where you can
not for the act – just for the steps
I take to become a man

Cause I still have tantrums like a baby
and think I must get my way
and I don’t know how to listen
and I haven’t learned to pray

So love and please don’t leave me
and help me learn to get along,
but stop crying and getting angry
cause it’s really you who’s strong

To make me feel bad won’t change things
cause I’m already wracked with shame.
and sometimes you must say “no” for me
and kindly say my name

and if I’m being brutish
you must make me face the law
You must show concern with courage
if you want my heart to thaw

Cause I won’t respect a victim
and you won’t beat me at that game
and if you really want to tame me
you can’t be scared of public shame

Cause it will take men with integrity
that I squarely have to face
you see I’m craving a strong father
and you’ll never take his place

And I’m trying hard to trust you
which I don’t know how to do
and I hope you can forgive me
and I hope that we’re not through

Kim Cooper

Please use the comment section at the bottom of this page to share stories about a narcissistic husband.

The Narcissistic Husband in Popular Culture

The Narcissistic Husband is a favourite of comedy writers everywhere, creating those classic characters that we ‘love to hate’!

Joey Boca

Laugh yourself to death watching narcissistic husband Joey Boca get what he has coming, in the classic comedy Love You to Death.

Hunter

A nobleman travels through time to save his granddaughter from her narcissistic husband in one of the funniest movies ever made – Just Visiting.

Gregory Anton

In the chilling mystery Gaslight, Paula’s husband Gregory Anton plays the part of the stern but caring husband, trying to help his wife cope with increasing anxiety and kleptomania, all the while manipulating her to believe she is going mad.

George Wickham

Mr Wickham, in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, captures the attention of the heroine Elizabeth Bennet, having every appearance of a fine man – good looks, good manners, charm and a smart uniform. He also has an engagingly sad story of how he has been ill-treated by others in life, which gains him the sympathy of all. He is ultimately revealed to be the quintessential cad – a liar and a gambler, with heavy debts and shady dealings with women – but not soon enough to prevent him from running off with a daughter of the town. The contrast between the charming outward image and the private reality is crushingly familiar to wives of many narcissist husbands.

Are you living with a Narcissistic Husband? . . .

In real life, living with a narcissistic husband is no joke!  It can take you to the edge of utter despair.  But are you truly dealing with a narcissistic husband or is this just ordinary family conflict?  Find out by looking for these signs:

This Post Has 18 Comments
  1. It took me ten years to put a name to this bizarre, insane, unreasonable confusing, crazy, scary behavior. I actually stumbled upon the word narcissist and as I read my floodgates opened because I finally found that this behavior had a name and it is real . And the more I read, the more I learn. I am angered by the behavior because I have been with this narcissist not married for all this time and have been blamed for everything u set the sun and if the think the sun disappeared one day, that too would be my fault . After this period of time I am extremely depressed barely functioning bit putting on a face for the world each morning. I am in the process of starting to see a psychiatrist . As the saying goes every person affected by a narcissist seeks professional medical help except the narcissist who maintains that there is nothing wrong with them . So much more to add but for another day. To fellow sufferers stay strong and we have each other to lean on .

  2. Kim,
    What a beautiful description, the best I’ve ever read!! Makes me want to not give up when I’m feeling discouraged with the relationship and all the struggles that seem to improve and then go backward again..

    Thank you so much for writing and sharing this!!!

    Blessings;

    Cathy Miller

  3. Who is this guy sleeping next to me? It’s certainly not the guy I married two and a half years ago. That man was charming, funny and sweet. That man would have moved mountains for me. That man wrote me a poem on our wedding day. But soon after we declared our vows to each other that man started to disappear and this one started to appear.

    This man is a stranger. This man has a tendency to say THE most hurtful things. This guy disappears into his shell for hours, if not days at a time. This guy blocks me and purposefully ignores me, and yet is a social butterfly with others. This guy has extremely childish tendencies and can not process emotions. This man did try to discard me like I was nothing.

    Why do I choose to lie next to this man and not walk away? Because I see him for what he is and what he needs. He is broken and needs love. A lot of it. He needs guidance on how to be a man,and not a child. He needs support. He needs barriers. He needs challenging on his behaviour. He needs teaching right from wrong. He deserves to get better.

    But why me? Because he has already taught me far more than any other guy could. He has taught me how to love myself. He has taught me independence and self-reliance. He has taught me how to love someone unconditionally. He has taught me how to grow up, how to self-soothe. He has taught me how to assert my self. He has taught me how to pray and to lean into God more than I have ever done. He has brought me back to me.

    It’s not a game for the faint-hearted. I am not expecting quick fixes. This is me, this is my husband. We were two broken people coming together. But slowly but surely the pieces are being put back together and God is creating something more beautiful than either of us could have imagined.

    1. This is my marriage this is my life , luckily I was able to leave the home 4 years ago so I could provide a same home for myself and kids , but I still allowed him into my world .. I love him , the hurt little boy that so desperately wants help , but not at the sake of losing myself anymore … Thanks for a great article !!

      1. Congratulations Kim,
        Me also trying things I never did before leaving is on the plan after38 years of marriage to a NPD , finely ,before I fall In pieces .good luck to you and your children !

        1. Hey Maria, Please get our steps in Back From the Looking Glass before you leave (there is advice on leaving at the end) as sadly if you are not careful it can make the fighting and abuse worse 🙁

  4. Claire, my eyes are tearing up from reading your piece. I too have come to see the beauty in self-realization and the lessons that come with it. My husband has been my greatest teacher and while he has since childhood viewed porn, with our open discussions and my honesty with regards to my feelings and the hardship that porn causes to intimacey and marriage . . . he has been improving and with my acceptance of what he leaned on in childhood, isn’t hiding and feeling self-loathing. This I think has been the greatest gift I could give him. To love myself first and then from that strong foundation . . . love him through it. My standpt. is strong and my personal mountain that I stand on and rely on is my foundation upon which my values, faith and vision remain. So now I see how God may have intended my beingness to grow . . . to face challenge and lift someone else by being an example and challenging someone who I consider “a worthy investment” to have a chance to be who they have the potential to be. So, my hubby has grown, grown, grown and while he may not be diagnosed with NPD per se . . . his family’s challenges and mental illness did not help his development. He must have known that I would be his “helper” in this lifetime and believe in him and he has also helped me in so many ways become wiser and to navigate the challenging behaviors of others and to accept and handle. He is my beloved and I cherish him.

    1. Great work Jennifer, thanks for sharing.
      What I really love about your post is that you understand that your strength comes from within.
      It’s great to see that your strength centers around your own inner wisdom now and not around him.
      Keep up the good work!

  5. I have been married to a NPD for 48 years and he is getting worse then better as he is getting older. He will not eat my food I cook for him unless a grand child is over or others. He brings himself food for dinner after I get home to eat for himself and won’t buy me anything to eat. I work he is reired (age 62) he is almost 69. I’m 65 and still working. He send a xmas card every year to people and doesn’t have my name on it only his.
    I could go on and on not sure if this is fair life for me when I have been so patient all these years. I make it by thinking I am his caregiver for a mental ill person.

  6. Cindi, yes you are his caregiver and it’s time to set limites ,I have a marriage like yours of 38 years and now I decide to do to him everthing he did and do to me and it’s working ,,,,and I no more ask for his love , attention or suport I learn they can givewhat they don’t have and don’t know what that is ,just take good care of myself ,,, now I put myself first ,it’s me me me and me again lol,never did so much ,I have the time for me not wanting time doing it for him ,,,, hope you too wakup and love youself ,God bless you and all of us that are dealing with a partner with these mental illness .

      1. Hi Kim!

        I’m dealing with a NPD hosbund and a doughter and the most hard part is he put aour doughter against me , I all my life work hard to keep our family together but that didn’t work,feeling very lost .
        It’s difficult to leave they are my family , I lost my son 18 years a go at 19 years old and that’s when things got worst ,, to this day we more apart , no pice , no love , they are completely cold ,selfish and have no concience of anything happening they don’t see or feel nothing for no body , righ now I’m sick for 2 weeks and not a phone call from my doughter , and she knows I’m sick but don’t want know anything else , I can’t complaint to my hosbund he thinks is normal not to care for me , but I have to care for both of them when they need me ,She well call me and ask for help and I do too ,, now I’m trying to care for myself and nothing else and waintting to se how far they go withe their coldness and luck of love , please respond me I really appreciated you advice .
        God bless you for all you do .

  7. It took 28 years of being married to a man that was controlling, selfish, manipulative, and indeed heartless to find out that there is such a thing as narcissism.
    And then comes the decision to try to work through it or to leave…
    It would be easy for me to keep the role of teacher, parent and friend as well as lover and business partner, if it were not for the fact that he has been unfaithful many times over the years. It took me this long to realize his lies were really lies and not just my own insecurities and jealousy like he had me believing. I sincerely thought I was going crazy.
    There has been so much deceit that I don’t know how I can ever believe ANYTHING he says again.
    No, he doesn’t think he has a problem. We attended a marriage counselor for the past few months just so I wouldn’t divorce him. But he doesn’t want infidelity or any other wrongdoing brought up. It is only done to appease me, so it looks like he tried.
    One of the big problems is that he doesn’t know why it is wrong to do the things he does but just knows it was wrong after he gets caught and fears punishment. I do not want to play “mommy” to the man I married. I want to be a wife who is loved and valued.
    My family wants to know mainly when I will leave him and just get it over with. It isn’t as easy as that; I am a Christian woman who believes in her vows of “For better or for worse”. This is definitely worse.
    If a husband develops a medical issue or gets brain damaged, should we just leave him?
    Unfortunately, I now see through the clouds of despair and there will be more storms ahead. I recognize now, the signs of this disorder in my husband’s father AND step-mother. (They didn’t stay married long but she adopted my husband and raised him part time). And I am starting to look at my own 25 year old son and seeing his tendencies to be self centered and indifferent towards other’s needs.
    Yes, I will admit I have been co-dependent. Now that I know that is a thing also. I grew up in a home where I was molested by an uncle, had to be the adult to both of my parents as well as 3 siblings and played peacemaker for everyone around me. I unintentionally carried that into this marriage.
    I moved out of our home in October 2015 and my daughters both came with me. They do not have any desire to be near their father due to the fact that he never really was involved in their lives even though he saw them on a daily basis. Since we left, he makes an entrance almost every day mainly to check up on me, with the pretense of wanting to see “his daughters”. The fact that we live in a small town and we are living only on the next road over makes it difficult to move on with our lives.
    I get conflicting suggested advice and suggests. My counselor does not believe this is healthy for me. My pastor says ” do not go back until you see a change of heart and he stops wanting to wallow with the pigs”. My husband is not a believer in God and does not think he should go to church or even support me in my decision to go. I have been praying for this man for many years and due to the tornado he has caused us to live in, started to think I was wrong in believing. But when I remember to step outside the tornado, I can watch it in all its fury but not have to be sucked into it. It fizzles and dies shortly after.
    He has been so cruel in his words and actions to me that I started wanting to be dead. I thought that then he would realize all the pain he has caused and feel remorse. I know now that he cannot feel remorse, he cannot feel empathy and he doesn’t even realize it exists. I also know that our words do not mean the same thing to a narcissist. Respect = fear. Love = what they can get out it.
    They want to be loved, at a distance, but cannot love back. They want to be respected but they try to gain that by making you fear them or fear them leaving you.
    I am finally starting to see that if I stay married to him, I will never have the relationship I wish to have but if I divorce him, I am shattering his delicate heart and I will probably never be totally free from him anyway.
    I can’t even understand why I still love him, but I do. Maybe it’s because I too, see the lonely, sad little boy in him. But if I look at it that way, it makes me seem like a pedophile. I , however see him as the most manly man out there. No other man compares to my husband except where his coldness is concerned.
    Biblically speaking, this would be considered hardness of heart and only God can change that and he has to want that change because God does not force His will on any of us.
    I am hoping that Kim and Steve’s materials get here quick and that they help ME to deal with this disorder and help my family that has been torn apart. I have had to be the strong and responsible one all along but I now need to know how to do that while keeping my own sanity. My health has deteriorated and I look at least 20 years older and am always tired.
    I am sorry for the extreme length of this message but I am very happy to have someplace to share what I have kept in for so long.

    1. Hi Kandi, I am sorry it took me so long to approve your comment. I have been busy building a new interactive online “classroom” where our members can all get online and help and support each other while we work on our emotional intelligence training. I understand the sad and lonely place you have found yourself. You are not alone! Please come and join our community : http://www.Narcissismcured.com/blog

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